Mother Noise

So, I just realized something important - I have been wanting to read this book " Between Me and Life" for a long time - It's about the artist Romaine Brooks and her relationship with her abusive mother. I was thinking about it again the other day and wondering how it is she felt that her mother affected her relationship with the world, and I'm pretty sure that I had just had therapy, so I was thinking about my own mother issues. I realized that I am afraid to make plans because I always think about how people say that if you make plans, God steps in and takes you in a completely different direction, and so I have been afraid.

Meanwhile, it occurred to me that this "God" is actually my mother, and that I am afraid of defying her, MAYBE, and that my lack of plans and goals, which so severely holds me back (no LITERALLY holds me back,) might be healed with a little left brain activity (GOALS! DEADLINES!ASPIRATIONS!) I could do really well. This part is very true.

Possibilities and Plans

Just woke up. In a strange head space. But good. I feel like I overslept but there is clarity there.

I am thinking about how I need to marry the left and right side of me, the masculine/feminine,etc.

It's funny because I am thinking about how I love hair/makeup, clothes, and there's just not enough of that kind of thing in my life. Like a carrot, if I dangle it, I know I will do anything.

So I'm thinking that I will make a to do list and put one of these little treats as a reward for each task accomplished by my fierce masculine self. It's fitting that the doer/masculine self will chase the feminine. It's me altogether. What a fabulous couple.

Then there's this fear that I can't possibly have what I want. Isn't there an expression (isn't there always an expression?) about making plans and having God laugh at them and override them? Or is this just another of my fears about my mother -- an authority figure coming in to sweep aside my agenda, punishing me for trying, and maintaining control?

Thank God for therapy. I maybe would have had a hint of that tickling my consciousness, maybe I would have considered this as the reason I hold back from life and asserting myself - making plans, meeting goals, etc. As it is it seems pretty clear.