Vicious, Horrible Head

Envy has brought me back here. Sometimes it can be good.

I have been alternating between Facebook, and Gawker for hours, and saw a friend's post about her creative work.

I fell asleep when I came home from work, and had a dream about gay men having sex that I'm not sure I understand, except that I think that your sexuality is part of the engine of your being, and that when you are true to it, you are empowered.

When I woke up, I was in an odd head-space I sometimes venture into when I've overslept and am kind of tripping/lucid dreaming. I was inspired, but I was still craving winter foods and hibernation, so there was this tug of war that I think was settled when I had some carbs. So I didn't go out, but aside from the aforementioned activities, I paid a bill, started to prepare for class tomorrow, went food shopping. I also found a good article on Lifehacker: http://lifehacker.com/how-to-feel-confident-sharing-your-creative-work-in-pub-1490089104 that discusses putting yourself out there.

Recently I found someone to finish my jewelry, which, long story short, did not work out well. I didn't want to let that stop me, so I wound up taking it to a store in Union Square, where they fixed it free of charge. It was a good reminder to not wait for a feeling of inspiration; like exercise, I think that remembering how you feel AFTER you do it, prompts you to do it again. I just took a picture of the necklace, and am considering whether to post it on Facebook. Not sure.

I spoke with J recently, who appears to be having the same relationship with the same type of man endlessly, like that art project you do as a kid: folding up paper, cutting out the shape of a "gingerbread" man, and opening the paper up to reveal a chain of identical men

In class yesterday, and my sister-in-law, who is a lesbian, accidentally included both me and my mother in on a text, where she let her mom know that she was being framed for sexual harassment by another woman. My mother got back to her with an odd, but typical of her response: " Everything will be O.K.. I had a dream of you where you were biking down hill." I find it hilarious that a dream where someone is going downhill is sign of good times ahead, but she means to be comforting.

A rainbown of green: Chartreuse, Hunter, Olive /////....

So  I don't really want to write about this, but I'm feeling jealous of someone.

First, it wasn't so bad. I actually spoke to her, and that was helpful (reality-based, she has problems too, I saw the whole picture.) Now, I haven't interacted with her in awhile, and all I can think about is the life I see through Facebook. I've been really living in my jealousy, and unable to see why I thought I was so great.

When I scratch the surface, and wade in the muck, and I know what's going on. She puts herself out there all the time, people are always singing her praises, and when she had her birthday about a month after mine, everyone knew about it. I told a few friends, felt unacknowledged and hurt, then spent my birthday/thanksgiving with a dear friend, and her strange friend (who talked about communicating with her cats, they were so tight,) and refused to celebrate because I didn't really want to talk about being 40.

I was playing it safe, afraid of judgment, being invisible, and it felt horrible as ever.

You have to stick your neck out if you want the crown.