Self-help Overdose

I am in pain.

I didn't go out to dinner with friends, because I am not sure if they ARE my friends.

Things started going downhill with A, and then soon after, with another girl in the group, whose girlfriend reminds me of a sheep dog. This is mean. I am trying to work on this.

So, am alone this evening, and trying to work on my self-sabotage issues. I started going to DA/UA meetings (Debtor/Underearners), I recognize myself in the traits listed, but get turned off when people in meetings start referring to these problems as their, "disease". What the hell.

I asked my therapist at my session today if she thought I sabotaged myself - previously, she said I did this with things I didn't actually want. Now, she says on a scale of 1-10 that I am an 8. I am not sure if I trust her, as she wants me to come in for more sessions.

I am also uncomfortable because I recently read about daughters of narcissistic mothers
one type of daughter is an overachiever and the other is a self-sabotaging addict. I saw myself too clearly in the latter type. Also some very useful information here:

(http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/Daughters%20of%20Narcissistic%20Mothers.pdf

It was/is awful to see this - my therapist "helpfully"added: "She's also sadistic!" (Ouch)

At any rate, after all is said, done, and micro analyzed, the thing I care about - reaching for things I want wholeheartedly, without shame or guilt, producing art and sharing it consistently - can be done without "figuring it all out". I hide there.

On that Note - Honesty

I have to be more honest. Sometimes I pretend to like people I hate, and lately, I find myself using exclamation points and smiley faces whereas before I would never. I looked down on them and the people who used them, secretly holding it against them if we were friends, or never letting them in.

It's more. I feel out of touch with myself, the more I am around other people. I can't stand that I was so nice to that girl A (the questionable friend), from my previous post, hurling compliments at her when in retrospect, I wish they were insults. Or bullets. I hate myself when I'm not immaculately true to myself.

Anger

I don't know if it's winter in NYC or what - but last time this year I was REALLY angry about things, and here it is creeping up on me again.

There's 2 friends(?) I've been hanging out with who have been bothering me and 2 (previous) employers also who I had a falling out with - I think it's that I don't know how to communicate very well and am hyper-sensitive? Or is that the way I'm saying it so that it makes me feel that I'm special ? Many questions.

I feel out of touch with my writing. I talked on the phone with some guy from OK Cupid - I don't know...I had to pull more than my weight in the conversation, and that's annoying, and a deal breaker, unless he's REALLY good in bed. Also, he's a librarian who is older than me, so no high hopes there. He asked me to coffee next week and I said that I'd check back in but probably won't. It felt dishonest, and I hated myself for lying.

Then, there has been this cat who keeps coming into our building, desperately meowing. The other day the super (who I hate), broke a broom trying to smack him so that he'd leave. I stopped him and though, but he told me that the people upstairs had moved, and left the cat. Today, I find the cat trying to get in again, except there's this kid who seemed pretty slow outside as well. Turns out the cat is his sisters, and she has not actually moved, she just didn't want the cat inside anymore. What the hell is that? It's winter! Between their callousness, and my super's big lie I'm disgusted, and yet again I am facing this finance stuff, like WHY AM I HERE? Ugh, the HELL is wrong with people (and maybe me, too).

The decoration! The apartment!

I've been tuning into my dreams at night, and it's good to do so as always.

Awhile back, I wrote about a girl I was jealous of, because she's creative and always putting herself out there, and last night she was in my dream:

--
I lived in an apartment - she and another woman come to visit. There's a competition/performance and they both go before me. They are very talented. Objectively speaking, I can't really believe I am in the same league.I perform and surprise/remind myself of how good I am. A third woman says: " I didn't know you had it in you."

I look around me and everything is perfect, and as it would be in my dream apartment *

To Give is To Receive + maybe add new: "You want to give what she gives

 I've been having money/work fears, and some days waking up unhappy. Today it feels like that is starting to change.

I have been connecting with this girl in AA named D. Sometimes it is awkward relating to her - I try to offer love, guidance and support, but sometimes I'm just miserable and feel like a fraud when doing so. Today she checked in by text: :"HEYY!!"She's always so excited to talk and I am generally not feeling similarly enthused. Someone weird school had emailed me for a job interview; I'd missed it, and they didn't include their contact info, so I was hating on myself anyway because I'd Googled it several times and when I called the numbers I found no one answered.

I didn't know what else to do, so I answered her text and then we spoke.I just put aside my misery for a bit, and was just there for her - present. After a bit, I felt myself fill up with happiness. By the time we said goodbye, I felt inspired.

I then looked up the school again, found a new number for them and called it, and explained to the woman who answered that I wanted to set up another interview time.

She wasn't sure who had gotten in touch with me, so I emailed her my resume to discuss it. She said: " OH, you worked at the drama bookshop, I've gone there for years...." and she was really interested, and we talked for quite awhile, then she suddenly realized that I've contacted her school by mistake - it is not the school I was looking for, but they share the same name. She goes on interviewing me at length anyway, because it's a "happy accident:, and they happen to need people with my background.

I love synchronicity and am always thinking about how it works, and how to have more of it in my life - and here I felt like I'd just experienced it -   a connection to the divine I'd accessed, and a gift I'd received through openness, giving of myself, and forgetting myself. I felt my heart do backflips.

Why?

I've always had a problem with putting my work out there. Even getting something like jewelry done is difficult for me.

Recently I had a dream or a realization that I need to think of other people - the exact thought was: Where is the love I have for people that I offer them through my work?

That, I think, can give me the strength I have been looking for, to get past myself, and my fears and all their many faces.

Overwhelmed

I have a new roommate and need a job.

Everything feels very clear in the morning, first thing, then little by little, I'm irritated, distracted, and overwhelmed. I feel awful.

I'm going to try to do a day focused to all these tasks in each area of my life -- such as today, being apartment day, etc.

In other news, I dreamt about Matt Damon, and woke up with my cat :)