Dreams...?

I went to see Gone Girl tonight. When I go to movies, I like the whole thing to be peaceful, I want to be incubated and instead I went with 2 friends who drove me crazy, and wound up sitting alone, so I guess it worked out.

I was really into the movie, as I haven't been in awhile, mostly because of the actress, Rosamund Pike who is wonderful in it.

At some point, I started thinking about my desire to be an actor, to be famous, and I tried to consider that this acting dream might never (obviously?) happen for me and the world seemed dull/real(?), and I couldn't stand letting the possible reality sink in any further.

Which leaves me with the whole thing - will I ever make this dream come true - maybe I'm too crazy, maybe I should accept it or NOT and do something about it.

I signed up for Tisch Acting Guild casting notifications recently, and haven't seen any films to submit to.

When depressed, I drown in shallow water.

So back to that pain. I'm dealing with physical pain. In my mind I compose a story to tell others - "I'm older, and all of the sudden my body hurts," but I know that's not true. There was pain creeping in on my body and I just ignored it. I wanted to go to get a massage, and I ignored THAT as well, so now there's this depressing pain.

According to one Dr., it's the onset of arthritis, which she said affects everyone. I Googled that and discovered that to be untrue.

According to another, I probably have bursitis, because he said, " You're too young for arthritis." ( I like this Dr. for this and other reasons.)

He is my new psychiatrist, who is dealing with my depression in a thoroughly comprehensive way, that I've not experienced since I had my first major depression years ago. He doesn't think I'm bipolar, he's introduced me to healthy supplements like fish oil. I trust him. I also think he's cute, but I don't trust that.

I've been feeling like a fraud lately - I'm trying to pinpoint why and I wonder if AA is part/all of it? I don't know. I find myself smiling, not meaning it, being positive, when it's not how I feel, and also saying "God" when I don't feel comfortable with the word. Between that and work, which is low and lame half the time.My manager is a dick, the school often feels like a sham. I feel best when connecting with students, but then half the time recently, there's no students for me, and I sit there purposeless. There's also my strange co-worker, and the ugly bureaucracy that breeds gossip and self-hate.

Writing has felt off - I guess it's not surprising? There's been a drop-off in the thought process which results in an intuitive/bodily "click" when the right words fall into place.

I need change! On quite a few levels. Christ - ugh, time to put in earplugs, because my neighbor thinks his noise is my problem. I imagine him thinking "they gotta deal with it, we live in a building", when it's THE OTHER WAY AROUND YOU HATEFUL MORON.