Choices/Hiding

The meeting I went to yesterday was good, and like yesterday, I feel like writing.

It is interesting to me because both times, I shared at the meeting when it was my turn to speak - instead of passing. I have a very weird, self-conscious fear about sharing. I don't feel like myself, I feel judged, and so usually avoid it.

But speaking up is making me feel more creatively productive, so I'm going to do more of it.

Possibly because of my mediation practice, I am not burdening tasks with thought. I think this is because during mediation I label any thoughts as " thinking" and go back to my breathing.

After the meeting I walk home with L. the woman who was my first sponsor - I feel such a deep connection to her, and I was glad to re-connect.

Not thinking of how much of a drag it is, I grabbed my laundry and headed out to get it over with. I read GQ, while my whites and darks washed together, and read about celebrities. And thought about how much I wanted to be one when I was growing up. Still would want to.

Came home and cleaned, ( why is there always more to do?) and recognized my mother in my behaviour, not to mention that poor character in The Yellow Wallpaper.  I was being slightly obsessive to avoid my feelings. Maybe did I want to act more? Sing again? I know that I fear failure, self-sabotage etc, so I avoid things.

Last summer before I started writing the blog I had a dream, where a voice in me said that not choosing life and taking the journey is the real mistake/failure.

I have been thinking that I have self-prescribed limitations and keep myself fenced in by telling myself in a convincing manner that I know the truth of a situation ( it wont go well), long story short, I have fear masquerading as fact.

All for now. Have an important interview in the morning.