Possibilities and Plans

Just woke up. In a strange head space. But good. I feel like I overslept but there is clarity there.

I am thinking about how I need to marry the left and right side of me, the masculine/feminine,etc.

It's funny because I am thinking about how I love hair/makeup, clothes, and there's just not enough of that kind of thing in my life. Like a carrot, if I dangle it, I know I will do anything.

So I'm thinking that I will make a to do list and put one of these little treats as a reward for each task accomplished by my fierce masculine self. It's fitting that the doer/masculine self will chase the feminine. It's me altogether. What a fabulous couple.

Then there's this fear that I can't possibly have what I want. Isn't there an expression (isn't there always an expression?) about making plans and having God laugh at them and override them? Or is this just another of my fears about my mother -- an authority figure coming in to sweep aside my agenda, punishing me for trying, and maintaining control?

Thank God for therapy. I maybe would have had a hint of that tickling my consciousness, maybe I would have considered this as the reason I hold back from life and asserting myself - making plans, meeting goals, etc. As it is it seems pretty clear.