Creative Time

I have been trying very hard to get new work -- and getting nowhere. The situation isn't desperate - but it is frustrating.

I keep thinking about all this time I have on my hands and how I should devote at least some of it to work I love.

I asked the I Ching about it yesterday and received hexagram 9, changing to 37, which as it turns out, is about feeling a tug to do other things, and answering that.

So even though the work situation is bothering me, I am going to spend this day, at least a good part of it, being creative. - working on jewelry, figuring out  where/how to do a new voice over sample, etc.

What!!? There's No Room Here!

I had the idea months ago of doing a voice over demo. It tied in nicely with the fact that the ESL company I freelance for had a media/voice over department.

Finally, I arranged to do it with M, the singer-songwriter, and my former roommate.

I put a lot of effort into it; The night before I came home from work and had a few hours left before going to bed, and sat at my computer to listen to voice over demos. I decided to check in on Facebook and discovered that someone I had dated (which had ended painfully) was now moving here with their girlfriend.
Oh no. MY city, not yours.

I had actually just (finally) gotten into a healthy place about him. Boom! He was such a stoner..maybe he will forget to move here.

I managed to get out of my immediate response which was to FB sleuth, and went back to my project, but it was hard. I made my demo the next day - it went well. I know I can do better, but I want to send it asap.

Coincidences/Career Advice

I wrote to the director and sent in a headshot and some background details and she got back to me right away. Turns out she is also from Philadelphia, where I was born. Exciting/interesting coincidence.

Irritated because of 2 conversations I had over the weekend. First one was with K, an older woman in AA, who has been giving me career advice in terms of choosing a certificate vs. a Masters in ESL. She really laid into me on our walk home from a gallery event in Greenpoint. She knows about my background with my parents, but keeps encouraging me to ask them to help pay for graduate school, and let me know that I really had to get on it, she said (sotto voce), because of my age !!

Feh.

That was Saturday. Sunday, I went to see my friend M speak at his church. I've been to the church and other born again meetings before, and like other times, again I felt this peaceful feeling come over me. We got a coffee after that, and I let him know about my conversation with K, and he sympathized. Then, he asked me about my attendance at the meetings and that he knew I was into the goddess and all, but that being born again was the way to go and he kept going on and on, and I felt like I needed to explain myself, and qualify my spirituality in his eyes. I felt small, and today thinking about it, felt angry, but I said nothing. He
knew he had gone too far, (he even said I wear sunglasses too often), and started to apologize, but I told him it was not a big deal.

 I felt small, and today thinking about it, I felt angry.

He called me this afternoon, thinking we were back to normal, and I explained to him, that being a woman, a Goddess appeals to me - and pointed out that cultures have worshipped a Goddess for centuries.

The conversation ended on an awkward note; I don't think our relationship will be the same.

Synchronicity/I Ching

I am reading a book called "The Path of Synchronicity", and am looking out for them, but haven't seen any so far.

I've mentioned it before, though, and I have read the I Ching for about 20 years. I sometimes take it's accuracy for granted, but sometimes am still blown away by readings that get exact months, and nail relationship dynamics that I have asked about.

Here is the website I use, which has a member's forum, and also provides readings: http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/

Not This

Today I started my application to NYC Teaching Fellows. There are a few essays, and I know I will be perfectionistic about it, and it will be grueling, and I'm a bit wary.

Also, today, the 12 year old I babysit for was kind of obnoxious. His mom wants him to do these chores when he gets in, and for the first few weeks he was alright with it. Now, he comes home everyday and has this scowl on his face, and refuses to do things. I asked him today to take his lunch box out of his bag and he said," You do it. You're right next to it." I was all, " NO, I'm not your maid". He did it eventually, but it bothered me for awhile. I think I'm going to start to look for other things. It has been in the back of my mind - I like them and all, and I'm sure I can talk to his mom and she will be understanding and back off - but I just want more. SO MUCH MORE.

I was on my way home thinking of the exciting life people think we all live in NY, and how I should be out every night, meeting people who are dazzling, who will change my life. Usually, I'm pretty tired at the end of the day, and just want to read, and hang out with my cat. I don't think I'm the only one who feels that way either.

Hmmm..

My horoscope says I will meet a handsome and exotic stranger.

Maybe I will meet someone from the Bronx.

Stop That

I realized the other day that I avoid a lot of things that irritate me in life by taking refuge in a romantic fixation.

Today, for instance, waiting for the subway that was taking too long, I started to think about an ex. Now, this is a guy who I know is not perfect for me - but thinking of the moments that were promising, is preferable to sitting there bored or frustrated.

There are so many of these moments - the subway isnt running, or it is and it is too crowded, and someone elbows me and/or talks too loud (or there kid does, and they think it's charming, and I'm fuming). Sometimes I will even be in my apartment by myself and find myself interacting with him in my mind - and it's freaky to me.

I realized that my tendency to do this can be likened to having a really delicious chicken dinner and then for weeks, and months, holding on to the chicken bone. And realizing that I am responsible for getting that new thing. That I shouldn't judge myself into the ground, either. But that I should, you know, put it down.