Healthy Focus - Forget Yourself Now Darlin' It'll Be OK

Didn't mention, but am going to UA/DA. Slowly  checking out meetings. Saw this article,
http://m.vice.com/read/filthy-lucre, about money/art, and decided to write some.

Also, researched shame/fear about sharing creative work and found this

:http://riskplaycreate.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/artists-writers-are-you-scared-to-show-your-work-take-your-fears-along-for-the-ride/.

Great quote from the second article regarding doing your art, and I'm thinking of acting because I've been making myself submit for productions " Your not shaking because you're nervous, you're shaking because you are alive -- art makes us alive."

I don't want to concentrate, and it's hard to. Even with earplugs in (which I finally submitted to wearing), I can hear all this noise, like the kid outside my window who was burp/talking earlier, like woman yelling at her husband for hours at 4 in the morning: " You USED me. GO BACK TO YO BABY MAMMA".
Also -- last week, I asked a kid who was hanging out in the hallway on the floor above me to keep his voice down, and he kicked down a hair ball that had orange Cheetos powder in it)

It's not all bad - it's just a tug of war between what I want to focus on. Bullshit, or the fact that I have a nice new roommate. The beast who yells in the hallway for his dog to come down, or the fact that I have 2 closets and 2 rooms. When I finally  (why so hard?) focus on the good, it's there: I've been nesting, have money and time off from work, and feel like the hibernating I am doing will produce good results by the time the season changes.

Maybe this struggle with the contradictions in me is necessary - things like -- I say I want to be famous, but I shudder with the thought of being known. I'll be big, I'll fall, I'll do something stupid, I don't want anyone to know me at all.

Maybe it's not a coincidence that I am thinking of how I can do things just to be seen a certain way, and that later, I was thinking that the best thing to do is to forget yourself and serve. To not be self-conscious, insecure and hiding. But to not be afraid to be seen and not caring how you look.

Puppy Love

I have off from school for the next 2.5 weeks, and have been caring for a dog at my apartment for the past 3 days.

This dog is just lovely. Whenever I want a nap or a hug, he's right there. I like to think this is a change from the typical crumbs I get from my cat, and I think this is the start of my changes with others as well. It's pouring love from this dog - and I need it. There's nothing measly about it.

I went for a walk after talking with M on the phone, because I wanted to get my shoes fixed, and found a new pair of shoes on the walk - black booties that are LEATHER, because I won't stoop to pleather, (never); this too, feels fortuitous.

Last night on the train, I was sitting with the dog carrier on my lap and this young guy said to me "Pet sitting?"
and we started talking because he pet sits too, and I wondered how he had guessed. "Because" he said, "if you can afford a dog, you can afford to have someone take care of it over the holidays." This, I thought was true. But how did I wind up the pet sitter?

I was reading this article online about how we are all catering to the wealthy in NY, and everyone is leaving (not true), and I was talking to M but did not ask about how to raise and make things happen with your creative work, and I think a plan, SOME plan, is a good way to go, and there can be change from there.

I sent in my head shot and resume for a film that has several Middle Eastern characters...we'll see.

Am in a weird head space. Have done a lot all day, and still nothing feels quite done. I think the things that I AM getting done are happening because I'm not around both emotionally AND physically. I thought today that I needed a new calendar, and that if my mom could put one out with a toxic thought for every day of the year.