Church

I went to the church. I'm kind of surprised I made it there. I was really nervous. I thought: it's not like I'm getting married there.  Also, later I thought: God has always loved me - why am I so afraid.

Church makes me think of - high ceilings, grandeur, good acoustics, congregates filling polished wood benches, fanning themselves. This church was small, with low ceilings and about 20 people in it - amongst them a very fashion forward queen, in heels. They were nice, real, welcoming, not fake - which I've found in churches and is such a turn-off to me.

At the end, someone prayed with me/over me. I stood in a long line to receive grace. I didn't know what that entailed. There was a nice man who took over the sermon and talked about Christ, and receiving his body and blood. Once again, I nudged myself forward - O.K, food, wine - you know you want in.
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I went up and this woman prayed with me for a job. I really liked being supported in that way --  I'm not taking anything away from you by receiving. And its ok to pray for things to be good for someone else and know that I'm included in this. Its not a competition..It's arrogant to assume that I need to hold myself back for anyone.

I can be helpful and generous, but always forget about taking care of myself first -  I know it, but I need to practice. That is the healthy way to go about things - so that I'm not jealous, hungry etc, and I can share from that place, unselfishly.