Family

 
I am leaving my family emotionally and want to create a new one. I have been emotionally attached to them for too long and it has inhibited me - sexually, emotionally - work-wise. O.K, on all levels.

Here is something about leaving them -

At 23 years old, I was all ready to graduate college, but was more invested in obsessing about a guy, who kept letting me down, and I wouldn't let him go. I failed my final course in logic (no surprise). Around the same time, my acting teacher had cast me in his play. I was doing horribly, and he threatened to kick me out of the production. I summoned my faith, and my belief in myself; I performed beautifully, and felt incredibly happy.  A voice deep within me said " Now I have a surprise for you." I went to the restaurant where I worked to have a celebratory drink, and he was there. He'd come to see me, and it was the cherry on the cake. We talked, and I felt this voice in me again, say " Now go home." But I wouldn't. I kept trying to get him to leave with me, and he finally agreed. Then the voice said, " Now it will take longer." I didn't know what was meant by that, but we got to my apartment, he was afraid, and left.

I was livid. I felt torn between this new heaven in me, and this anger towards someone. I felt like I'd never learn, never fly again, and my faith was punctured. I remember sitting there meditating on this, and at one point, I opened the IChing randomly and saw a line, pertaining to taking the wrong path, which led to dependency on one's parents.

I tried to perform the next evening, but sank. I didn't understand that voice, and I was haunted by this idea that I had failed and would suffer the consequence of waiting for god knows how long untill I would experience that heaven again. I couldn't really live with myself.

At 23 years old, I was all ready to graduate college. I had a lot of things going on at the time that weren't going well - a relationship I couldn't get a way from - an acting class, working 4 days a week, etc. My plan was to save money, graduate and go to Europe.

I failed my logic course, (no surprise) and fell into a deep depression. I felt I had failed everything - creatively, romantically. I worked the summer through this depression so that I could travel anyway -  which was really fucking horrible and painful.

My parents (particularly my mom) did not want me to go. She said she was totally worried and since I was going anyway, set up an 800 number so that I could call her anytime. She said it was a favor to her. I used it. A lot. When I came back after a trip that was shorter than it should have been, she said that I couldn't have travelled without it. (Whatever. I would have traveled faster, longer - better - without it.)

I went to Ireland, England, France and Brussels, the last being my favorite. I met a boy in a youth hostel then. Nothing romantic, just a friend.

After Europe I moved to San Francisco. I moved in with this guy, (maybe in his 40's?), who was pretty strange. What was stranger for me was that after I moved in I saw a picture of the guy I had met in Brussels on his fridge. He had lived there - it felt like a sign.

My roommate, as it turns out, had quite a lot of emotional problems. One day I came home and saw him sitting there with his step dad doing basic math. It turns he had been in therapy for years - and had a lot of issues with his parents, obviously.

It felt that I met him to learn from him; Still tied to parents, stuck. Inert.

Why didn't I leave them before? Maybe I wasn't ready. There were always teaching me that family came first and implying that I would be nothing without them. I feel like I obeyed them;I haven't yet flourished here - and I've starved myself emotionally.