Dreams...?

I went to see Gone Girl tonight. When I go to movies, I like the whole thing to be peaceful, I want to be incubated and instead I went with 2 friends who drove me crazy, and wound up sitting alone, so I guess it worked out.

I was really into the movie, as I haven't been in awhile, mostly because of the actress, Rosamund Pike who is wonderful in it.

At some point, I started thinking about my desire to be an actor, to be famous, and I tried to consider that this acting dream might never (obviously?) happen for me and the world seemed dull/real(?), and I couldn't stand letting the possible reality sink in any further.

Which leaves me with the whole thing - will I ever make this dream come true - maybe I'm too crazy, maybe I should accept it or NOT and do something about it.

I signed up for Tisch Acting Guild casting notifications recently, and haven't seen any films to submit to.

When depressed, I drown in shallow water.

So back to that pain. I'm dealing with physical pain. In my mind I compose a story to tell others - "I'm older, and all of the sudden my body hurts," but I know that's not true. There was pain creeping in on my body and I just ignored it. I wanted to go to get a massage, and I ignored THAT as well, so now there's this depressing pain.

According to one Dr., it's the onset of arthritis, which she said affects everyone. I Googled that and discovered that to be untrue.

According to another, I probably have bursitis, because he said, " You're too young for arthritis." ( I like this Dr. for this and other reasons.)

He is my new psychiatrist, who is dealing with my depression in a thoroughly comprehensive way, that I've not experienced since I had my first major depression years ago. He doesn't think I'm bipolar, he's introduced me to healthy supplements like fish oil. I trust him. I also think he's cute, but I don't trust that.

I've been feeling like a fraud lately - I'm trying to pinpoint why and I wonder if AA is part/all of it? I don't know. I find myself smiling, not meaning it, being positive, when it's not how I feel, and also saying "God" when I don't feel comfortable with the word. Between that and work, which is low and lame half the time.My manager is a dick, the school often feels like a sham. I feel best when connecting with students, but then half the time recently, there's no students for me, and I sit there purposeless. There's also my strange co-worker, and the ugly bureaucracy that breeds gossip and self-hate.

Writing has felt off - I guess it's not surprising? There's been a drop-off in the thought process which results in an intuitive/bodily "click" when the right words fall into place.

I need change! On quite a few levels. Christ - ugh, time to put in earplugs, because my neighbor thinks his noise is my problem. I imagine him thinking "they gotta deal with it, we live in a building", when it's THE OTHER WAY AROUND YOU HATEFUL MORON.

Magic Library in NYC

Just discovered that there is a library for magic in Midtown called The Conjuring Arts Research Center:

http://conjuringarts.org

Focus

I'm 40. It was really painful for a bit, but I have to admit that now that I'm settling into it, I'm really appreciating the perspective it's giving me. I don't really feel like I am in the eye of the storm of my emotions all the time, almost afraid to do things because I knew that if they didn't go well there'd be hell to pay in terms of emotional torment. God, that feels weird to admit.

So anyway, there's been this clarity and a brain that's functioning independently of emotions - in other words,  there's an adult in charge.I like her.

I read something the other day that said something like - " Your 40's are a great age, besides the fact that you're really getting your shit together, you've got great cheekbones."Yes!

So then I read this Lifehacker post which talked about doing just 3 things a day, and I've been trying that. Much better. I do these things and I feel like I've accomplished something, whereas doing a bunch of things and then looking back and thinking "What did I do with that time? Why does everything still feel like it's a mess?" was not working for me.

Today, I worked on a necklace, it's been bothering me for some time and it's still not perfect, but it's progress --OHHH, and that feels right.

Mother Noise

So, I just realized something important - I have been wanting to read this book " Between Me and Life" for a long time - It's about the artist Romaine Brooks and her relationship with her abusive mother. I was thinking about it again the other day and wondering how it is she felt that her mother affected her relationship with the world, and I'm pretty sure that I had just had therapy, so I was thinking about my own mother issues. I realized that I am afraid to make plans because I always think about how people say that if you make plans, God steps in and takes you in a completely different direction, and so I have been afraid.

Meanwhile, it occurred to me that this "God" is actually my mother, and that I am afraid of defying her, MAYBE, and that my lack of plans and goals, which so severely holds me back (no LITERALLY holds me back,) might be healed with a little left brain activity (GOALS! DEADLINES!ASPIRATIONS!) I could do really well. This part is very true.

Possibilities and Plans

Just woke up. In a strange head space. But good. I feel like I overslept but there is clarity there.

I am thinking about how I need to marry the left and right side of me, the masculine/feminine,etc.

It's funny because I am thinking about how I love hair/makeup, clothes, and there's just not enough of that kind of thing in my life. Like a carrot, if I dangle it, I know I will do anything.

So I'm thinking that I will make a to do list and put one of these little treats as a reward for each task accomplished by my fierce masculine self. It's fitting that the doer/masculine self will chase the feminine. It's me altogether. What a fabulous couple.

Then there's this fear that I can't possibly have what I want. Isn't there an expression (isn't there always an expression?) about making plans and having God laugh at them and override them? Or is this just another of my fears about my mother -- an authority figure coming in to sweep aside my agenda, punishing me for trying, and maintaining control?

Thank God for therapy. I maybe would have had a hint of that tickling my consciousness, maybe I would have considered this as the reason I hold back from life and asserting myself - making plans, meeting goals, etc. As it is it seems pretty clear.

Vicious, Horrible Head

Envy has brought me back here. Sometimes it can be good.

I have been alternating between Facebook, and Gawker for hours, and saw a friend's post about her creative work.

I fell asleep when I came home from work, and had a dream about gay men having sex that I'm not sure I understand, except that I think that your sexuality is part of the engine of your being, and that when you are true to it, you are empowered.

When I woke up, I was in an odd head-space I sometimes venture into when I've overslept and am kind of tripping/lucid dreaming. I was inspired, but I was still craving winter foods and hibernation, so there was this tug of war that I think was settled when I had some carbs. So I didn't go out, but aside from the aforementioned activities, I paid a bill, started to prepare for class tomorrow, went food shopping. I also found a good article on Lifehacker: http://lifehacker.com/how-to-feel-confident-sharing-your-creative-work-in-pub-1490089104 that discusses putting yourself out there.

Recently I found someone to finish my jewelry, which, long story short, did not work out well. I didn't want to let that stop me, so I wound up taking it to a store in Union Square, where they fixed it free of charge. It was a good reminder to not wait for a feeling of inspiration; like exercise, I think that remembering how you feel AFTER you do it, prompts you to do it again. I just took a picture of the necklace, and am considering whether to post it on Facebook. Not sure.

I spoke with J recently, who appears to be having the same relationship with the same type of man endlessly, like that art project you do as a kid: folding up paper, cutting out the shape of a "gingerbread" man, and opening the paper up to reveal a chain of identical men

In class yesterday, and my sister-in-law, who is a lesbian, accidentally included both me and my mother in on a text, where she let her mom know that she was being framed for sexual harassment by another woman. My mother got back to her with an odd, but typical of her response: " Everything will be O.K.. I had a dream of you where you were biking down hill." I find it hilarious that a dream where someone is going downhill is sign of good times ahead, but she means to be comforting.