On that Note - Honesty

I have to be more honest. Sometimes I pretend to like people I hate, and lately, I find myself using exclamation points and smiley faces whereas before I would never. I looked down on them and the people who used them, secretly holding it against them if we were friends, or never letting them in.

It's more. I feel out of touch with myself, the more I am around other people. I can't stand that I was so nice to that girl A (the questionable friend), from my previous post, hurling compliments at her when in retrospect, I wish they were insults. Or bullets. I hate myself when I'm not immaculately true to myself.

Anger

I don't know if it's winter in NYC or what - but last time this year I was REALLY angry about things, and here it is creeping up on me again.

There's 2 friends(?) I've been hanging out with who have been bothering me and 2 (previous) employers also who I had a falling out with - I think it's that I don't know how to communicate very well and am hyper-sensitive? Or is that the way I'm saying it so that it makes me feel that I'm special ? Many questions.

I feel out of touch with my writing. I talked on the phone with some guy from OK Cupid - I don't know...I had to pull more than my weight in the conversation, and that's annoying, and a deal breaker, unless he's REALLY good in bed. Also, he's a librarian who is older than me, so no high hopes there. He asked me to coffee next week and I said that I'd check back in but probably won't. It felt dishonest, and I hated myself for lying.

Then, there has been this cat who keeps coming into our building, desperately meowing. The other day the super (who I hate), broke a broom trying to smack him so that he'd leave. I stopped him and though, but he told me that the people upstairs had moved, and left the cat. Today, I find the cat trying to get in again, except there's this kid who seemed pretty slow outside as well. Turns out the cat is his sisters, and she has not actually moved, she just didn't want the cat inside anymore. What the hell is that? It's winter! Between their callousness, and my super's big lie I'm disgusted, and yet again I am facing this finance stuff, like WHY AM I HERE? Ugh, the HELL is wrong with people (and maybe me, too).

The decoration! The apartment!

I've been tuning into my dreams at night, and it's good to do so as always.

Awhile back, I wrote about a girl I was jealous of, because she's creative and always putting herself out there, and last night she was in my dream:

--
I lived in an apartment - she and another woman come to visit. There's a competition/performance and they both go before me. They are very talented. Objectively speaking, I can't really believe I am in the same league.I perform and surprise/remind myself of how good I am. A third woman says: " I didn't know you had it in you."

I look around me and everything is perfect, and as it would be in my dream apartment *

To Give is To Receive + maybe add new: "You want to give what she gives

 I've been having money/work fears, and some days waking up unhappy. Today it feels like that is starting to change.

I have been connecting with this girl in AA named D. Sometimes it is awkward relating to her - I try to offer love, guidance and support, but sometimes I'm just miserable and feel like a fraud when doing so. Today she checked in by text: :"HEYY!!"She's always so excited to talk and I am generally not feeling similarly enthused. Someone weird school had emailed me for a job interview; I'd missed it, and they didn't include their contact info, so I was hating on myself anyway because I'd Googled it several times and when I called the numbers I found no one answered.

I didn't know what else to do, so I answered her text and then we spoke.I just put aside my misery for a bit, and was just there for her - present. After a bit, I felt myself fill up with happiness. By the time we said goodbye, I felt inspired.

I then looked up the school again, found a new number for them and called it, and explained to the woman who answered that I wanted to set up another interview time.

She wasn't sure who had gotten in touch with me, so I emailed her my resume to discuss it. She said: " OH, you worked at the drama bookshop, I've gone there for years...." and she was really interested, and we talked for quite awhile, then she suddenly realized that I've contacted her school by mistake - it is not the school I was looking for, but they share the same name. She goes on interviewing me at length anyway, because it's a "happy accident:, and they happen to need people with my background.

I love synchronicity and am always thinking about how it works, and how to have more of it in my life - and here I felt like I'd just experienced it -   a connection to the divine I'd accessed, and a gift I'd received through openness, giving of myself, and forgetting myself. I felt my heart do backflips.

Why?

I've always had a problem with putting my work out there. Even getting something like jewelry done is difficult for me.

Recently I had a dream or a realization that I need to think of other people - the exact thought was: Where is the love I have for people that I offer them through my work?

That, I think, can give me the strength I have been looking for, to get past myself, and my fears and all their many faces.

Overwhelmed

I have a new roommate and need a job.

Everything feels very clear in the morning, first thing, then little by little, I'm irritated, distracted, and overwhelmed. I feel awful.

I'm going to try to do a day focused to all these tasks in each area of my life -- such as today, being apartment day, etc.

In other news, I dreamt about Matt Damon, and woke up with my cat :)

Dreams...?

I went to see Gone Girl tonight. When I go to movies, I like the whole thing to be peaceful, I want to be incubated and instead I went with 2 friends who drove me crazy, and wound up sitting alone, so I guess it worked out.

I was really into the movie, as I haven't been in awhile, mostly because of the actress, Rosamund Pike who is wonderful in it.

At some point, I started thinking about my desire to be an actor, to be famous, and I tried to consider that this acting dream might never (obviously?) happen for me and the world seemed dull/real(?), and I couldn't stand letting the possible reality sink in any further.

Which leaves me with the whole thing - will I ever make this dream come true - maybe I'm too crazy, maybe I should accept it or NOT and do something about it.

I signed up for Tisch Acting Guild casting notifications recently, and haven't seen any films to submit to.

When depressed, I drown in shallow water.

So back to that pain. I'm dealing with physical pain. In my mind I compose a story to tell others - "I'm older, and all of the sudden my body hurts," but I know that's not true. There was pain creeping in on my body and I just ignored it. I wanted to go to get a massage, and I ignored THAT as well, so now there's this depressing pain.

According to one Dr., it's the onset of arthritis, which she said affects everyone. I Googled that and discovered that to be untrue.

According to another, I probably have bursitis, because he said, " You're too young for arthritis." ( I like this Dr. for this and other reasons.)

He is my new psychiatrist, who is dealing with my depression in a thoroughly comprehensive way, that I've not experienced since I had my first major depression years ago. He doesn't think I'm bipolar, he's introduced me to healthy supplements like fish oil. I trust him. I also think he's cute, but I don't trust that.

I've been feeling like a fraud lately - I'm trying to pinpoint why and I wonder if AA is part/all of it? I don't know. I find myself smiling, not meaning it, being positive, when it's not how I feel, and also saying "God" when I don't feel comfortable with the word. Between that and work, which is low and lame half the time.My manager is a dick, the school often feels like a sham. I feel best when connecting with students, but then half the time recently, there's no students for me, and I sit there purposeless. There's also my strange co-worker, and the ugly bureaucracy that breeds gossip and self-hate.

Writing has felt off - I guess it's not surprising? There's been a drop-off in the thought process which results in an intuitive/bodily "click" when the right words fall into place.

I need change! On quite a few levels. Christ - ugh, time to put in earplugs, because my neighbor thinks his noise is my problem. I imagine him thinking "they gotta deal with it, we live in a building", when it's THE OTHER WAY AROUND YOU HATEFUL MORON.

Magic Library in NYC

Just discovered that there is a library for magic in Midtown called The Conjuring Arts Research Center:

http://conjuringarts.org

Focus

I'm 40. It was really painful for a bit, but I have to admit that now that I'm settling into it, I'm really appreciating the perspective it's giving me. I don't really feel like I am in the eye of the storm of my emotions all the time, almost afraid to do things because I knew that if they didn't go well there'd be hell to pay in terms of emotional torment. God, that feels weird to admit.

So anyway, there's been this clarity and a brain that's functioning independently of emotions - in other words,  there's an adult in charge.I like her.

I read something the other day that said something like - " Your 40's are a great age, besides the fact that you're really getting your shit together, you've got great cheekbones."Yes!

So then I read this Lifehacker post which talked about doing just 3 things a day, and I've been trying that. Much better. I do these things and I feel like I've accomplished something, whereas doing a bunch of things and then looking back and thinking "What did I do with that time? Why does everything still feel like it's a mess?" was not working for me.

Today, I worked on a necklace, it's been bothering me for some time and it's still not perfect, but it's progress --OHHH, and that feels right.

Mother Noise

So, I just realized something important - I have been wanting to read this book " Between Me and Life" for a long time - It's about the artist Romaine Brooks and her relationship with her abusive mother. I was thinking about it again the other day and wondering how it is she felt that her mother affected her relationship with the world, and I'm pretty sure that I had just had therapy, so I was thinking about my own mother issues. I realized that I am afraid to make plans because I always think about how people say that if you make plans, God steps in and takes you in a completely different direction, and so I have been afraid.

Meanwhile, it occurred to me that this "God" is actually my mother, and that I am afraid of defying her, MAYBE, and that my lack of plans and goals, which so severely holds me back (no LITERALLY holds me back,) might be healed with a little left brain activity (GOALS! DEADLINES!ASPIRATIONS!) I could do really well. This part is very true.

Possibilities and Plans

Just woke up. In a strange head space. But good. I feel like I overslept but there is clarity there.

I am thinking about how I need to marry the left and right side of me, the masculine/feminine,etc.

It's funny because I am thinking about how I love hair/makeup, clothes, and there's just not enough of that kind of thing in my life. Like a carrot, if I dangle it, I know I will do anything.

So I'm thinking that I will make a to do list and put one of these little treats as a reward for each task accomplished by my fierce masculine self. It's fitting that the doer/masculine self will chase the feminine. It's me altogether. What a fabulous couple.

Then there's this fear that I can't possibly have what I want. Isn't there an expression (isn't there always an expression?) about making plans and having God laugh at them and override them? Or is this just another of my fears about my mother -- an authority figure coming in to sweep aside my agenda, punishing me for trying, and maintaining control?

Thank God for therapy. I maybe would have had a hint of that tickling my consciousness, maybe I would have considered this as the reason I hold back from life and asserting myself - making plans, meeting goals, etc. As it is it seems pretty clear.

Vicious, Horrible Head

Envy has brought me back here. Sometimes it can be good.

I have been alternating between Facebook, and Gawker for hours, and saw a friend's post about her creative work.

I fell asleep when I came home from work, and had a dream about gay men having sex that I'm not sure I understand, except that I think that your sexuality is part of the engine of your being, and that when you are true to it, you are empowered.

When I woke up, I was in an odd head-space I sometimes venture into when I've overslept and am kind of tripping/lucid dreaming. I was inspired, but I was still craving winter foods and hibernation, so there was this tug of war that I think was settled when I had some carbs. So I didn't go out, but aside from the aforementioned activities, I paid a bill, started to prepare for class tomorrow, went food shopping. I also found a good article on Lifehacker: http://lifehacker.com/how-to-feel-confident-sharing-your-creative-work-in-pub-1490089104 that discusses putting yourself out there.

Recently I found someone to finish my jewelry, which, long story short, did not work out well. I didn't want to let that stop me, so I wound up taking it to a store in Union Square, where they fixed it free of charge. It was a good reminder to not wait for a feeling of inspiration; like exercise, I think that remembering how you feel AFTER you do it, prompts you to do it again. I just took a picture of the necklace, and am considering whether to post it on Facebook. Not sure.

I spoke with J recently, who appears to be having the same relationship with the same type of man endlessly, like that art project you do as a kid: folding up paper, cutting out the shape of a "gingerbread" man, and opening the paper up to reveal a chain of identical men

In class yesterday, and my sister-in-law, who is a lesbian, accidentally included both me and my mother in on a text, where she let her mom know that she was being framed for sexual harassment by another woman. My mother got back to her with an odd, but typical of her response: " Everything will be O.K.. I had a dream of you where you were biking down hill." I find it hilarious that a dream where someone is going downhill is sign of good times ahead, but she means to be comforting.

A rainbown of green: Chartreuse, Hunter, Olive /////....

So  I don't really want to write about this, but I'm feeling jealous of someone.

First, it wasn't so bad. I actually spoke to her, and that was helpful (reality-based, she has problems too, I saw the whole picture.) Now, I haven't interacted with her in awhile, and all I can think about is the life I see through Facebook. I've been really living in my jealousy, and unable to see why I thought I was so great.

When I scratch the surface, and wade in the muck, and I know what's going on. She puts herself out there all the time, people are always singing her praises, and when she had her birthday about a month after mine, everyone knew about it. I told a few friends, felt unacknowledged and hurt, then spent my birthday/thanksgiving with a dear friend, and her strange friend (who talked about communicating with her cats, they were so tight,) and refused to celebrate because I didn't really want to talk about being 40.

I was playing it safe, afraid of judgment, being invisible, and it felt horrible as ever.

You have to stick your neck out if you want the crown.