Changes

It seems like a real blizzard. Not the fake kind. People are advertising for blizzard boos on Craig's List.

My roommate is not home, I feel glad and slightly guilty about it. I'm hibernating. I don't want to be polite.

I am starting to eat differently and this is because I am making gentle changes.

More fruits and vegetables, less meat. I feel energized instead of heavy and sleepy - even though I find that to be real nice, as I am a bear/cat, easily lulled into sleep.

I finished gluing a picture together - (I'm remaking art postcards), I did vocal exercises while tidying up my already tidy place. These are changes. It's weird. It's pleasant. I'll take it.

Say No, And Then Let Go

I just came back from a freelance "opportunity", which turned out to be an opportunity to get blown off. I traveled 30 minutes, to wait in a coffee shop for someone who then cancelled, didn't apologize, and then tried to blame me for it. It sucked. I was so angry that I'd gone and wasted my time.

After deliberating whether to respond to her cancellation text by blowing her to smithereens with sarcasm, I settled for calling her on her bullshit (gently), and then saying we couldn't work with her because her behavior didn't bode well for a professional relationship. This was light rage. I wouldn't have to deal with text insult/combat cause I don't need ANY of that.

I was so glad. I had learned! LEARNED!

 She got back to me, confused about the "mix up". No apology, but good luck and all that. And I was at peace.

Until I put an end to that. I felt this nagging: WHAT WAS THAT "CONFUSION" AND NO APOLOGY BULLSHIT!!?!

It wouldn't stop. It was right, and I would be just. So I set her straight - cut her and her bullshit down to size -  we argued, and now I felt right and miserable.

When will I learn? Sigh.

Money - Releases Lifes Possiblities

I bartended yesterday and made a lot of money. I happened to be on Facebook, when someone posted they needed help at their art party, and got in touch. She needed 2, so I brought a sober friend.

It was a celebration of "lofty and beautiful things"; we wore red capes, and served Absinthe made by upstate witches; black cats appeared and mingled shyly.

The hostess seemed to have a charmed life, and I had a blast serving the 100 most interesting people she'd met in New York. My tip jar piled up - some of her friends asked me in how I'd gotten the job, and one in particular seemed ridiculously jealous and possessive. "What was that?" I asked my friend. "All these scenes have queens", she knowingly replied.

I came home flush, and considered how more money could open my life,  revitalize and sustain my me.

I woke up today, and worked again, for a poet in the program who was leaving her apartment of 10 years, and her husband. She was getting rid of so many things, and let me know she'd need me on an ongoing basis. Though I tried so hard, I wasn't sure if that would be the case. She didn't pay very well, but mentioned she had some things to give me, but when I'd asked for something, she seemed hesitant, and I demurred. I left, and it was rainy; I felt poor and used again, and wished I had taken it.

I waited for the G train for a long time. A girl on the platform was dressed normally, but had an odd expression on her face. I watched her as she did pirouettes over and over again. 

Apt - Roommate

Thinking sympathetically about new roommate yesterday.She's having problems with an ex and has a cold. Then heard her cough, and thought: DIE

I need peace and quiet.

Today, I am wearing earplugs, which have been saving my sanity in this apartment building. A little girl in the building next door was playing called: knock-on-the-wall-torture-people-and-giggle, for a few months, which I have finally (mostly) quashed by talking with her parents. It's late, and mostly quiet though. I miss my old roommate's sense of style. I wish I had bought all her living room stuff before she left, now wish I had asked.

Daily Annoyances/Fundamentals of Living

I am in a good place this morning. I'm reading a book called "How to Be a Heroine" and it's got me thinking about things, different/better/more clearly. Like I clearly need to be doing more of everything, otherwise I will wind up with nothing and no one.


OH, I have a million things to do if I'm to function effectively in society. Like count - I meaning that I don't do basic things like keep track of my finances, which I can't really function well at all without. To that end, I went to another UA/DA meeting at the LGBT Center, which was great, and I have an app called iSpending which I need to use daily. A lot of resistance there.

I need to trust myself and make some moves on things. I have been avoiding the fuck out of a pile of papers in my other room. And a school notebook has been missing for months, mysteriously, and it's awful.

 Here. I have returned. This is the thing. I need to do the most basic things. Like eat first etc. make a list, cross things off of it, etc.I will go do these things.

Back - I tackled a pile of receipts, which once upon a time was a big deal that they were all in one place, now it's ridiculous that I finally open it and see a receipt from 2012. Or receipts where the ink has worn off.

Another Day. Some Growth. Some Sarcasm

A weird start this morning. I'd overslept, so was in a funky head space, and then later napped. I was tired because I have a cold, and also probably to avoid things as usual.

My apartment is a mess, and I didn't work hard to fix it like I usually do - I went to a (weird) job interview. My therapist says that I "hobble" myself by under earning, and I don't like to admit it but all the bullshit I do in place of making cash at a legit job do seem to tie me up, distract me from fixing the actual lack of funds problem, and are definitely lame and exhausting.

After the interview, I went to Sephora, because I am superficial and obsessed with my appearance, I suppose. Then I went to an AA meeting, and then a bunch of us went to dinner, where I saw a frenemy (A), and there was some fanning of flames (from me), and afterwards, outside, some smoothing over (from both parties).

A girl (B), who I have tried to be supportive of, because she is new, acts strangely around me. I think she thinks I am attracted to her, when really when I am looking at her it is because I am wondering how someone who reminds me of one of Marge Simpson's sisters can be so deluded in terms of her looks and seemingly has convinced others she is hot as well. I mean I guess I can see it, but there is a lot of flaunting of her admittedly good-looking figure, so whatever - who knows who is projecting what? and LOOK, I'm being mean again.

What else...I had a good time but found myself trying too hard to in an effort to control it all, and it feels good to recognize that and let go. A little.

Ugh

I hate my roommate right now and kind of in general. She just put out some throw pillows and framed photos and I think they are ugly. I have no idea how to tell her without being mean, and I'm sure she will ask (?) and I'll have to say something because if I come home everyday, and see the reindeer blanket up on the couch, it will feel like a kick in the gut.

In other news, I have a cold, otherwise I would be cleaning my apt and the building itself (which is gross, too), something I do everyday.

My mood is awful! I am taking a break because I have to go face my credit score and work on disputing errors.

Self-help Overdose

I am in pain.

I didn't go out to dinner with friends, because I am not sure if they ARE my friends.

Things started going downhill with A, and then soon after, with another girl in the group, whose girlfriend reminds me of a sheep dog. This is mean. I am trying to work on this.

So, am alone this evening, and trying to work on my self-sabotage issues. I started going to DA/UA meetings (Debtor/Underearners), I recognize myself in the traits listed, but get turned off when people in meetings start referring to these problems as their, "disease". What the hell.

I asked my therapist at my session today if she thought I sabotaged myself - previously, she said I did this with things I didn't actually want. Now, she says on a scale of 1-10 that I am an 8. I am not sure if I trust her, as she wants me to come in for more sessions.

I am also uncomfortable because I recently read about daughters of narcissistic mothers
one type of daughter is an overachiever and the other is a self-sabotaging addict. I saw myself too clearly in the latter type. Also some very useful information here:

(http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/Daughters%20of%20Narcissistic%20Mothers.pdf

It was/is awful to see this - my therapist "helpfully"added: "She's also sadistic!" (Ouch)

At any rate, after all is said, done, and micro analyzed, the thing I care about - reaching for things I want wholeheartedly, without shame or guilt, producing art and sharing it consistently - can be done without "figuring it all out". I hide there.

On that Note - Honesty

I have to be more honest. Sometimes I pretend to like people I hate, and lately, I find myself using exclamation points and smiley faces whereas before I would never. I looked down on them and the people who used them, secretly holding it against them if we were friends, or never letting them in.

It's more. I feel out of touch with myself, the more I am around other people. I can't stand that I was so nice to that girl A (the questionable friend), from my previous post, hurling compliments at her when in retrospect, I wish they were insults. Or bullets. I hate myself when I'm not immaculately true to myself.

Anger

I don't know if it's winter in NYC or what - but last time this year I was REALLY angry about things, and here it is creeping up on me again.

There's 2 friends(?) I've been hanging out with who have been bothering me and 2 (previous) employers also who I had a falling out with - I think it's that I don't know how to communicate very well and am hyper-sensitive? Or is that the way I'm saying it so that it makes me feel that I'm special ? Many questions.

I feel out of touch with my writing. I talked on the phone with some guy from OK Cupid - I don't know...I had to pull more than my weight in the conversation, and that's annoying, and a deal breaker, unless he's REALLY good in bed. Also, he's a librarian who is older than me, so no high hopes there. He asked me to coffee next week and I said that I'd check back in but probably won't. It felt dishonest, and I hated myself for lying.

Then, there has been this cat who keeps coming into our building, desperately meowing. The other day the super (who I hate), broke a broom trying to smack him so that he'd leave. I stopped him and though, but he told me that the people upstairs had moved, and left the cat. Today, I find the cat trying to get in again, except there's this kid who seemed pretty slow outside as well. Turns out the cat is his sisters, and she has not actually moved, she just didn't want the cat inside anymore. What the hell is that? It's winter! Between their callousness, and my super's big lie I'm disgusted, and yet again I am facing this finance stuff, like WHY AM I HERE? Ugh, the HELL is wrong with people (and maybe me, too).

The decoration! The apartment!

I've been tuning into my dreams at night, and it's good to do so as always.

Awhile back, I wrote about a girl I was jealous of, because she's creative and always putting herself out there, and last night she was in my dream:

--
I lived in an apartment - she and another woman come to visit. There's a competition/performance and they both go before me. They are very talented. Objectively speaking, I can't really believe I am in the same league.I perform and surprise/remind myself of how good I am. A third woman says: " I didn't know you had it in you."

I look around me and everything is perfect, and as it would be in my dream apartment *

To Give is To Receive + maybe add new: "You want to give what she gives

 I've been having money/work fears, and some days waking up unhappy. Today it feels like that is starting to change.

I have been connecting with this girl in AA named D. Sometimes it is awkward relating to her - I try to offer love, guidance and support, but sometimes I'm just miserable and feel like a fraud when doing so. Today she checked in by text: :"HEYY!!"She's always so excited to talk and I am generally not feeling similarly enthused. Someone weird school had emailed me for a job interview; I'd missed it, and they didn't include their contact info, so I was hating on myself anyway because I'd Googled it several times and when I called the numbers I found no one answered.

I didn't know what else to do, so I answered her text and then we spoke.I just put aside my misery for a bit, and was just there for her - present. After a bit, I felt myself fill up with happiness. By the time we said goodbye, I felt inspired.

I then looked up the school again, found a new number for them and called it, and explained to the woman who answered that I wanted to set up another interview time.

She wasn't sure who had gotten in touch with me, so I emailed her my resume to discuss it. She said: " OH, you worked at the drama bookshop, I've gone there for years...." and she was really interested, and we talked for quite awhile, then she suddenly realized that I've contacted her school by mistake - it is not the school I was looking for, but they share the same name. She goes on interviewing me at length anyway, because it's a "happy accident:, and they happen to need people with my background.

I love synchronicity and am always thinking about how it works, and how to have more of it in my life - and here I felt like I'd just experienced it -   a connection to the divine I'd accessed, and a gift I'd received through openness, giving of myself, and forgetting myself. I felt my heart do backflips.

Why?

I've always had a problem with putting my work out there. Even getting something like jewelry done is difficult for me.

Recently I had a dream or a realization that I need to think of other people - the exact thought was: Where is the love I have for people that I offer them through my work?

That, I think, can give me the strength I have been looking for, to get past myself, and my fears and all their many faces.

Overwhelmed

I have a new roommate and need a job.

Everything feels very clear in the morning, first thing, then little by little, I'm irritated, distracted, and overwhelmed. I feel awful.

I'm going to try to do a day focused to all these tasks in each area of my life -- such as today, being apartment day, etc.

In other news, I dreamt about Matt Damon, and woke up with my cat :)

Dreams...?

I went to see Gone Girl tonight. When I go to movies, I like the whole thing to be peaceful, I want to be incubated and instead I went with 2 friends who drove me crazy, and wound up sitting alone, so I guess it worked out.

I was really into the movie, as I haven't been in awhile, mostly because of the actress, Rosamund Pike who is wonderful in it.

At some point, I started thinking about my desire to be an actor, to be famous, and I tried to consider that this acting dream might never (obviously?) happen for me and the world seemed dull/real(?), and I couldn't stand letting the possible reality sink in any further.

Which leaves me with the whole thing - will I ever make this dream come true - maybe I'm too crazy, maybe I should accept it or NOT and do something about it.

I signed up for Tisch Acting Guild casting notifications recently, and haven't seen any films to submit to.

When depressed, I drown in shallow water.

So back to that pain. I'm dealing with physical pain. In my mind I compose a story to tell others - "I'm older, and all of the sudden my body hurts," but I know that's not true. There was pain creeping in on my body and I just ignored it. I wanted to go to get a massage, and I ignored THAT as well, so now there's this depressing pain.

According to one Dr., it's the onset of arthritis, which she said affects everyone. I Googled that and discovered that to be untrue.

According to another, I probably have bursitis, because he said, " You're too young for arthritis." ( I like this Dr. for this and other reasons.)

He is my new psychiatrist, who is dealing with my depression in a thoroughly comprehensive way, that I've not experienced since I had my first major depression years ago. He doesn't think I'm bipolar, he's introduced me to healthy supplements like fish oil. I trust him. I also think he's cute, but I don't trust that.

I've been feeling like a fraud lately - I'm trying to pinpoint why and I wonder if AA is part/all of it? I don't know. I find myself smiling, not meaning it, being positive, when it's not how I feel, and also saying "God" when I don't feel comfortable with the word. Between that and work, which is low and lame half the time.My manager is a dick, the school often feels like a sham. I feel best when connecting with students, but then half the time recently, there's no students for me, and I sit there purposeless. There's also my strange co-worker, and the ugly bureaucracy that breeds gossip and self-hate.

Writing has felt off - I guess it's not surprising? There's been a drop-off in the thought process which results in an intuitive/bodily "click" when the right words fall into place.

I need change! On quite a few levels. Christ - ugh, time to put in earplugs, because my neighbor thinks his noise is my problem. I imagine him thinking "they gotta deal with it, we live in a building", when it's THE OTHER WAY AROUND YOU HATEFUL MORON.

Magic Library in NYC

Just discovered that there is a library for magic in Midtown called The Conjuring Arts Research Center:

http://conjuringarts.org

Focus

I'm 40. It was really painful for a bit, but I have to admit that now that I'm settling into it, I'm really appreciating the perspective it's giving me. I don't really feel like I am in the eye of the storm of my emotions all the time, almost afraid to do things because I knew that if they didn't go well there'd be hell to pay in terms of emotional torment. God, that feels weird to admit.

So anyway, there's been this clarity and a brain that's functioning independently of emotions - in other words,  there's an adult in charge.I like her.

I read something the other day that said something like - " Your 40's are a great age, besides the fact that you're really getting your shit together, you've got great cheekbones."Yes!

So then I read this Lifehacker post which talked about doing just 3 things a day, and I've been trying that. Much better. I do these things and I feel like I've accomplished something, whereas doing a bunch of things and then looking back and thinking "What did I do with that time? Why does everything still feel like it's a mess?" was not working for me.

Today, I worked on a necklace, it's been bothering me for some time and it's still not perfect, but it's progress --OHHH, and that feels right.

Mother Noise

So, I just realized something important - I have been wanting to read this book " Between Me and Life" for a long time - It's about the artist Romaine Brooks and her relationship with her abusive mother. I was thinking about it again the other day and wondering how it is she felt that her mother affected her relationship with the world, and I'm pretty sure that I had just had therapy, so I was thinking about my own mother issues. I realized that I am afraid to make plans because I always think about how people say that if you make plans, God steps in and takes you in a completely different direction, and so I have been afraid.

Meanwhile, it occurred to me that this "God" is actually my mother, and that I am afraid of defying her, MAYBE, and that my lack of plans and goals, which so severely holds me back (no LITERALLY holds me back,) might be healed with a little left brain activity (GOALS! DEADLINES!ASPIRATIONS!) I could do really well. This part is very true.

Possibilities and Plans

Just woke up. In a strange head space. But good. I feel like I overslept but there is clarity there.

I am thinking about how I need to marry the left and right side of me, the masculine/feminine,etc.

It's funny because I am thinking about how I love hair/makeup, clothes, and there's just not enough of that kind of thing in my life. Like a carrot, if I dangle it, I know I will do anything.

So I'm thinking that I will make a to do list and put one of these little treats as a reward for each task accomplished by my fierce masculine self. It's fitting that the doer/masculine self will chase the feminine. It's me altogether. What a fabulous couple.

Then there's this fear that I can't possibly have what I want. Isn't there an expression (isn't there always an expression?) about making plans and having God laugh at them and override them? Or is this just another of my fears about my mother -- an authority figure coming in to sweep aside my agenda, punishing me for trying, and maintaining control?

Thank God for therapy. I maybe would have had a hint of that tickling my consciousness, maybe I would have considered this as the reason I hold back from life and asserting myself - making plans, meeting goals, etc. As it is it seems pretty clear.