Money/Right Work

Have been working  furiously to make ends meet. The other evening, I sent out a flurry of resumes, one for an upcoming promotion.

The next morning I went to the library for awhile, and finally came home. I was frustrated and decided to spend some time getting organized.

I was sitting on my bed and the phone rang - it was a woman from an upcoming Dove campaign, who interviewed me briefly and asked me for a photo. I checked my email, and saw my daily reading from Tarot.com, which advised me to "focus on loose ends, even though a lucrative offer arrives," so I continued organizing, which now included looking  my computer for a suitable photo, couldn't find one, and I ran around like crazy for about an hour or so trying to get an one over to her.

In the midst of this, I got an email letting me know there was a status update on my Fellows application. I dreaded opening it. Later, I did, and was informed that I was advanced to the final acceptance pool, which was a complete surprise.

The next day, I found out I got the Dove campaign (which I now have to work - thinking of Morrisey's line : "I was looking for a job and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now...")

 I was at the library, sending resumes again, when I got 2 surprise emails: one from a company I had sent a voice over sample to, letting me know I was being considered for a foreign language production, and another from a craft website, asking me for writing samples.

Choices/Hiding

The meeting I went to yesterday was good, and like yesterday, I feel like writing.

It is interesting to me because both times, I shared at the meeting when it was my turn to speak - instead of passing. I have a very weird, self-conscious fear about sharing. I don't feel like myself, I feel judged, and so usually avoid it.

But speaking up is making me feel more creatively productive, so I'm going to do more of it.

Possibly because of my mediation practice, I am not burdening tasks with thought. I think this is because during mediation I label any thoughts as " thinking" and go back to my breathing.

After the meeting I walk home with L. the woman who was my first sponsor - I feel such a deep connection to her, and I was glad to re-connect.

Not thinking of how much of a drag it is, I grabbed my laundry and headed out to get it over with. I read GQ, while my whites and darks washed together, and read about celebrities. And thought about how much I wanted to be one when I was growing up. Still would want to.

Came home and cleaned, ( why is there always more to do?) and recognized my mother in my behaviour, not to mention that poor character in The Yellow Wallpaper.  I was being slightly obsessive to avoid my feelings. Maybe did I want to act more? Sing again? I know that I fear failure, self-sabotage etc, so I avoid things.

Last summer before I started writing the blog I had a dream, where a voice in me said that not choosing life and taking the journey is the real mistake/failure.

I have been thinking that I have self-prescribed limitations and keep myself fenced in by telling myself in a convincing manner that I know the truth of a situation ( it wont go well), long story short, I have fear masquerading as fact.

All for now. Have an important interview in the morning.

Work, etc.

Woke up completely unhappy, still anxious about yesterday's conversation with my landlord. Still beating myself up about having spoken to him, when nothing but problems seem to come from doing so.

I went to work - taking care of 2 girls in Park Slope, that utopia for children.Their mother had gone to a food co-op meeting, as there was an important vote. I took them to their dance class. Other days it is violin lessons, Chinese class or Hebrew school.

The older daughter kind of bothers me - I came into their house, and didn't take my shoes off. She kind of has a lisp, and she glared at me and let me know that theirs is a  "no thew household."

I am not bitter. In fact, taking care of the younger girl really put me in a better frame of mind. I was suddenly happy, content, wondering why I was worried about things; I was very present. I felt this calm come over me. It was a gentle way to spend an afternoon. I waited for them in the dance class lobby... creativity, children. Nice.

Later went to a meeting, and to dinner with a friend.

I have steadily been building my meditation practice - every morning and evening. So far just moments of peace that I wish wouldn't end.

I am reading a book about meditation called, "Turning Your Mind into an Ally", (instead of a critical voice that sounds faintly like your mother.)

Family/Landlord

The family thing went well overall.

 I went to meet my mom and nephew at the hotel - he woke up while I was playing with his hair, and spent the first hour looking at me and crying, so that wasn't the best start. Then we walked around Times Square, to Toys R Us, the Disney store, M&M, etc, and finally to lunch at McDonald's, where we seemed like we could be in a commercial - content with our happy meals and each other.

My mother busted out at one point with with her typical: " Don't you ever MISS us?"and this time I was ready with a response: "Yes, but I never know when you are going to be mean, and I get tired of mentioning it to you".

She denied it, of course, and we left it there.My nephew sat on the table, eating french fries.

I came home in a good mood, only to bump into my landlord, who thanked me for my rent check and let me know he didn't blame me for the leak in my kitchen (which he didn't fix until it burst into my neighbor's ceiling).

This totally got under my skin, and I tried to shake it off. I had mentioned it to them several times, and they repaired in their typical half-ass fashion, which bit them in the ass, typically.

" Fine" I said, " there is a sink problem above me, and its going to become a bigger problem, you can come up and see it now." He did, and yelled at me that I should have let him know about the other leak... I told him I did...

What the fuck, I can't talk to this guy and know this.  My soup burned while I bitched about him to a friend. He is still downstairs in his apartment, yelling. He does this all the time - he likes to get high and play "master of the house", and throw his weight around. Then he steps out into the hallways --all the world's a stage -- and continues.

- I can hear all of his conversations (which is sometimes useful).

Uncomfortable and Unhappy

I woke up early today; my sister called me and asked to meet. I had to work, so I let her know I couldn't. 

Next I went to babysit -  for a mom who has a son with a disability, and a newborn. I asked her about specific instructions for an emergency, as last time she came in and asked casually, " Did he have a seizure?"
( I'd had no idea he had health issues.)

She told me that she would be gone for 4 hours, and turned up after an hour and a half. She said: " I'll still pay you 30", (which is my rate for 1.5 hours... thanks). I let her know that wouldn't be acceptable. Never done this before. It worked - I got $50. It didn't feel great standing up for myself, but now it feels nice. She had been underpaying me before, and when the baby came along, I let her know that my rate went up -- she said, " You charge more for 2 kids?"

Whatever. I am not looking forward to seeing my mom tomorrow, who wants closeness without honesty. We still haven't talked about our argument over the summer, so I will try for a nice/polite meeting.

The Teaching Fellows interview went pretty well, but I feel I did not get it. Almost 90% sure.There was a moment in the one on one interview where I felt like I was being seriously considered; and then, later, I answered a question, and intuitively sensed that it was not what she wanted to hear, and felt her wriggling off my hook.

I'm not sure if I want it - but I pretty much feel like I gave it my best. It has been in my life for some time now, and I am glad to be done with it.

I went to the book store today and sat in the spirituality section and opened book after book looking for a job spell. Specifically, looking for one I had found years ago; it seemed promising, and I said it quietly in the bookstore - I still remember the feeling when I did - a strange psychic pull, like how I feel when I am using a good set of tarot cards.I received out of the blue calls about jobs shortly after. Did I write this spell down? No. Why? I don't know. I'm a more organized person I am now. I probably thought, " I'll get it later," and that was years ago.

What Do I Do?

I have had about 5 babysitting interviews, and haven't gotten one. It's very discouraging, but its certainly not something I want to do forever.

I did an IChing reading about my job search, and got 27 (which is about how you nourish yourself) changing to 41 ( Depletion ). So very accurate.

When I asked about how to change this, I received 24 - 51 = focus on surprising new avenues. It feels a little obvious - I mean I have to try different tactics/venues for work, simply because it is practical to do so, but I always wind up feeling so nurtured and protected after a reading.

I am working with a book called, "Creating Money", which was very helpful to me before. I love re-reading it, but am a little frustrated with my tendency to hide in spirituality, and cuddle with a book, when I need to be working hard.