Changes

It seems like a real blizzard. Not the fake kind. People are advertising for blizzard boos on Craig's List.

My roommate is not home, I feel glad and slightly guilty about it. I'm hibernating. I don't want to be polite.

I am starting to eat differently and this is because I am making gentle changes.

More fruits and vegetables, less meat. I feel energized instead of heavy and sleepy - even though I find that to be real nice, as I am a bear/cat, easily lulled into sleep.

I finished gluing a picture together - (I'm remaking art postcards), I did vocal exercises while tidying up my already tidy place. These are changes. It's weird. It's pleasant. I'll take it.

Say No, And Then Let Go

I just came back from a freelance "opportunity", which turned out to be an opportunity to get blown off. I traveled 30 minutes, to wait in a coffee shop for someone who then cancelled, didn't apologize, and then tried to blame me for it. It sucked. I was so angry that I'd gone and wasted my time.

After deliberating whether to respond to her cancellation text by blowing her to smithereens with sarcasm, I settled for calling her on her bullshit (gently), and then saying we couldn't work with her because her behavior didn't bode well for a professional relationship. This was light rage. I wouldn't have to deal with text insult/combat cause I don't need ANY of that.

I was so glad. I had learned! LEARNED!

 She got back to me, confused about the "mix up". No apology, but good luck and all that. And I was at peace.

Until I put an end to that. I felt this nagging: WHAT WAS THAT "CONFUSION" AND NO APOLOGY BULLSHIT!!?!

It wouldn't stop. It was right, and I would be just. So I set her straight - cut her and her bullshit down to size -  we argued, and now I felt right and miserable.

When will I learn? Sigh.

Money - Releases Lifes Possiblities

I bartended yesterday and made a lot of money. I happened to be on Facebook, when someone posted they needed help at their art party, and got in touch. She needed 2, so I brought a sober friend.

It was a celebration of "lofty and beautiful things"; we wore red capes, and served Absinthe made by upstate witches; black cats appeared and mingled shyly.

The hostess seemed to have a charmed life, and I had a blast serving the 100 most interesting people she'd met in New York. My tip jar piled up - some of her friends asked me in how I'd gotten the job, and one in particular seemed ridiculously jealous and possessive. "What was that?" I asked my friend. "All these scenes have queens", she knowingly replied.

I came home flush, and considered how more money could open my life,  revitalize and sustain my me.

I woke up today, and worked again, for a poet in the program who was leaving her apartment of 10 years, and her husband. She was getting rid of so many things, and let me know she'd need me on an ongoing basis. Though I tried so hard, I wasn't sure if that would be the case. She didn't pay very well, but mentioned she had some things to give me, but when I'd asked for something, she seemed hesitant, and I demurred. I left, and it was rainy; I felt poor and used again, and wished I had taken it.

I waited for the G train for a long time. A girl on the platform was dressed normally, but had an odd expression on her face. I watched her as she did pirouettes over and over again. 

Apt - Roommate

Thinking sympathetically about new roommate yesterday.She's having problems with an ex and has a cold. Then heard her cough, and thought: DIE

I need peace and quiet.

Today, I am wearing earplugs, which have been saving my sanity in this apartment building. A little girl in the building next door was playing called: knock-on-the-wall-torture-people-and-giggle, for a few months, which I have finally (mostly) quashed by talking with her parents. It's late, and mostly quiet though. I miss my old roommate's sense of style. I wish I had bought all her living room stuff before she left, now wish I had asked.

Daily Annoyances/Fundamentals of Living

I am in a good place this morning. I'm reading a book called "How to Be a Heroine" and it's got me thinking about things, different/better/more clearly. Like I clearly need to be doing more of everything, otherwise I will wind up with nothing and no one.


OH, I have a million things to do if I'm to function effectively in society. Like count - I meaning that I don't do basic things like keep track of my finances, which I can't really function well at all without. To that end, I went to another UA/DA meeting at the LGBT Center, which was great, and I have an app called iSpending which I need to use daily. A lot of resistance there.

I need to trust myself and make some moves on things. I have been avoiding the fuck out of a pile of papers in my other room. And a school notebook has been missing for months, mysteriously, and it's awful.

 Here. I have returned. This is the thing. I need to do the most basic things. Like eat first etc. make a list, cross things off of it, etc.I will go do these things.

Back - I tackled a pile of receipts, which once upon a time was a big deal that they were all in one place, now it's ridiculous that I finally open it and see a receipt from 2012. Or receipts where the ink has worn off.

Another Day. Some Growth. Some Sarcasm

A weird start this morning. I'd overslept, so was in a funky head space, and then later napped. I was tired because I have a cold, and also probably to avoid things as usual.

My apartment is a mess, and I didn't work hard to fix it like I usually do - I went to a (weird) job interview. My therapist says that I "hobble" myself by under earning, and I don't like to admit it but all the bullshit I do in place of making cash at a legit job do seem to tie me up, distract me from fixing the actual lack of funds problem, and are definitely lame and exhausting.

After the interview, I went to Sephora, because I am superficial and obsessed with my appearance, I suppose. Then I went to an AA meeting, and then a bunch of us went to dinner, where I saw a frenemy (A), and there was some fanning of flames (from me), and afterwards, outside, some smoothing over (from both parties).

A girl (B), who I have tried to be supportive of, because she is new, acts strangely around me. I think she thinks I am attracted to her, when really when I am looking at her it is because I am wondering how someone who reminds me of one of Marge Simpson's sisters can be so deluded in terms of her looks and seemingly has convinced others she is hot as well. I mean I guess I can see it, but there is a lot of flaunting of her admittedly good-looking figure, so whatever - who knows who is projecting what? and LOOK, I'm being mean again.

What else...I had a good time but found myself trying too hard to in an effort to control it all, and it feels good to recognize that and let go. A little.

Ugh

I hate my roommate right now and kind of in general. She just put out some throw pillows and framed photos and I think they are ugly. I have no idea how to tell her without being mean, and I'm sure she will ask (?) and I'll have to say something because if I come home everyday, and see the reindeer blanket up on the couch, it will feel like a kick in the gut.

In other news, I have a cold, otherwise I would be cleaning my apt and the building itself (which is gross, too), something I do everyday.

My mood is awful! I am taking a break because I have to go face my credit score and work on disputing errors.

Self-help Overdose

I am in pain.

I didn't go out to dinner with friends, because I am not sure if they ARE my friends.

Things started going downhill with A, and then soon after, with another girl in the group, whose girlfriend reminds me of a sheep dog. This is mean. I am trying to work on this.

So, am alone this evening, and trying to work on my self-sabotage issues. I started going to DA/UA meetings (Debtor/Underearners), I recognize myself in the traits listed, but get turned off when people in meetings start referring to these problems as their, "disease". What the hell.

I asked my therapist at my session today if she thought I sabotaged myself - previously, she said I did this with things I didn't actually want. Now, she says on a scale of 1-10 that I am an 8. I am not sure if I trust her, as she wants me to come in for more sessions.

I am also uncomfortable because I recently read about daughters of narcissistic mothers
one type of daughter is an overachiever and the other is a self-sabotaging addict. I saw myself too clearly in the latter type. Also some very useful information here:

(http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/Daughters%20of%20Narcissistic%20Mothers.pdf

It was/is awful to see this - my therapist "helpfully"added: "She's also sadistic!" (Ouch)

At any rate, after all is said, done, and micro analyzed, the thing I care about - reaching for things I want wholeheartedly, without shame or guilt, producing art and sharing it consistently - can be done without "figuring it all out". I hide there.