Self-help Overdose

I am in pain.

I didn't go out to dinner with friends, because I am not sure if they ARE my friends.

Things started going downhill with A, and then soon after, with another girl in the group, whose girlfriend reminds me of a sheep dog. This is mean. I am trying to work on this.

So, am alone this evening, and trying to work on my self-sabotage issues. I started going to DA/UA meetings (Debtor/Underearners), I recognize myself in the traits listed, but get turned off when people in meetings start referring to these problems as their, "disease". What the hell.

I asked my therapist at my session today if she thought I sabotaged myself - previously, she said I did this with things I didn't actually want. Now, she says on a scale of 1-10 that I am an 8. I am not sure if I trust her, as she wants me to come in for more sessions.

I am also uncomfortable because I recently read about daughters of narcissistic mothers
one type of daughter is an overachiever and the other is a self-sabotaging addict. I saw myself too clearly in the latter type. Also some very useful information here:

(http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/Daughters%20of%20Narcissistic%20Mothers.pdf

It was/is awful to see this - my therapist "helpfully"added: "She's also sadistic!" (Ouch)

At any rate, after all is said, done, and micro analyzed, the thing I care about - reaching for things I want wholeheartedly, without shame or guilt, producing art and sharing it consistently - can be done without "figuring it all out". I hide there.