Staying Away from Hell. Mine and Others

The other day I went to the beach, which I love doing.  I find living in the city to be unhealthy for me often. I'm always in my head.

After the day was over, I just felt so happy and connected to my body/spirit. I related to people differently as well. Not constantly weighing out what to say/do, be or feel, I just was. I didn't know what to attribute it to and I think it was this - I just said what I felt, behaved in a way that was natural to me without my head, the middle man.

I am being more creative and I attribute it to this - I have a list of chronic offenders in my life who I'm always fuming (frothing at the mouth) about:   Mother!! Sister - as if they have to behave in a certain manner before I take leave of their bullshit. I think I check in with it all the time because I am avoiding the work I need to do. (What a list.)

I think I have to be strong enough to fight 10 battles, to create - but all I have to do is be strong enough to consistently do what makes me happy.

I'm angry at them because they have hurt my self esteem with their hateful bullshit - but I have to take responsibility for allowing them to - that is who they are. They can deny their behavior, blame me for their behavior, etc. but I know, so what's my problem? I'm avoiding. I can't heal them, and if they don't want to have a truthful conversation, what is the point of talking to them, at any rate?

I have to add a girlfriend to the list as well. I don't feel good about myself after hanging out - but I do love writing her. Since that is the direction the relationship seems to be going ( and following her lead), I think I'm just going to go with it. There are too many other people out there. An old mentor once told me "Only the best and highest will understand you". After being around certain people, I find it hard to believe. So. I have to steer my way past them and make sure my heart/self esteem are protected.

Dropped and Found

Over the weekend another woman got in touch with me regarding babysitting - full time. I stressed about it big time - what was I going to about my present babysitting job??

Then, this morning, I was headed to work and I decided to check my email - The mother let me know via email -- this morning, that she had found her German Au Pair. Good Luck.

I can't believe I stressed about letting her down and I am feeling so lucky that something else showed up.

More of the Same

I'm angry at my mother, again. She always says this thing to me - "You don't have a sense of family!!" Once I start focusing on my life and not her, being an all or nothing person, I am not in touch very much. I feel like I should read the book "Between Me and Life" about an artist's difficult relationship with her mother.

As much as I feel like I'm a cool, good person that, still feeling like I need my mother's permission to live fully (She'll yell!! I think) is just not cool. Tackier and stranger than the most ridiculous fashion I've ever seen, and always judge so harshly.

My parents, however, left their home country to move here in the summer of  1969. They forgot that they were rebellious once and didn't go home for about 10 years. The hypocrisy my siblings and ignore - its unspoken. 

I posted yesterday on Craig's List for a woman. I'm headed over to Gmail. I like the feeling of anticipating all those emails.  In homage to my mother and heritage, maybe I should date an Iranian. Ha. Ha. I think she may know, deep down, that I swing that way. I can't imagine that my parents would understand or be supportive.

All Anger All the Time

I am finding it strange to observe how relentlessly angry at people I am - the same people.

Everytime I move forward in a positive direction, it seems like I first pick up old arguments -- fuck you!! It's like a psychic chew toy.

Which, maybe it makes sense, now that I write it. I'm moving past them.

I am angry at my mom and sister - both of them seem to think that I should accept/tolerate their abuse and apologies and maintain closeness with them. They are always like "I'm SORRY!!" (Now Come Back Here. We're cool right? Apology accepted. Repeat cycle.)

I can't create and have a good life when I give them top priority in my heart and life.

I have to go to work.

New family - Iranian. Popped up out of nowhere. Just started in Park Slope. Which I usually hate. Then when I was there I got it. The beautiful neighborhood, the co-op (that life changing co-op).

The family is typically Iranian - in each others lives and faces all the time to take care of the new baby (twins).

It's nice and very sweet, I guess, if it is healthy and positive without a connection that is as deeply rooted and gnarled like an old tree. A big fat oak.

Breathe

I am poor but not discouraged. I am taking a breather from huge lists - teacher certification, jobs long and short term I should be applying to.

I am going to be on call for babysitting this weekend. My friend's wife is a doula, and needs someone. We have been talking often and I like her alot. My list of girlfriends is growing. It has been ages since this was the case.

Am I the only one who finds this difficult? Just be honest, creative, and supportive - why is this difficult?

I have alot to offer - and I want others who are the same.

I just sent a mass email to some friends because my summer subletter is leaving. I am surprised because this one girl I don't even know that well ( we worked together briefly), put my post on NYU's List Serve and I have already gotten responses.That is the type of person I want in my life.  My sister-in-law also works at NYU and I've emailed her several times when I was looking for a roommate, and she has never done this. (Although she has done other things, I have to admit).

Inspiring Book About Joy and Creativity

I woke up unhappy - strange dreams - I was in middle school, an affair didnt work out.

I am being - or trying to be, nice to myself.  Everytime I wish for something better, I essentially feel like I am taking away from someone else. I play small.

How Much Joy Can You Stand:

http://www.peopleactiv.com/downloads-articles/downloads/HowMuchJoy.pdf

This is a book with a lot to offer. She talks about people who struggle constantly (make noise about being creative, but don't actually accomplish much). I identify with this as well as with a chapter where she talks about personal power, and that her book is about how big you are willing to be.

A Miracle

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I have a job interview today which sounds difficult; It is for a tutoring company. I was told that I would be interviewed by a group of people after completing an essay.

This, I am not looking forward to.

An amazing thing happened, though, which I don't want to lose sight of:  I was behind in my rent by a month. A friend in AA recommended going to a church and asking for a hardship donation. There are so many around Greenpoint, I didn't know which one to go to, so I went to the one close to the meeting. I spoke to 2 people: first a priest, then a pastor, who let me know he would refer me to a 3rd person for an interview. Instead when I called for an appointment, an office manager told me to come in and see her.  I did, and she agreed to pay my back rent. All of it. I thought she was going to give me a metro card and send me on my way.

I left and just sat there, in awe; I cried. Tiny demon thoughts started to creep in and I just brushed them aside.