The other day I went to the beach, which I love doing. I find living in the city to be unhealthy for me often. I'm always in my head.
After the day was over, I just felt so happy and connected to my body/spirit. I related to people differently as well. Not constantly weighing out what to say/do, be or feel, I just was. I didn't know what to attribute it to and I think it was this - I just said what I felt, behaved in a way that was natural to me without my head, the middle man.
I am being more creative and I attribute it to this - I have a list of chronic offenders in my life who I'm always fuming (frothing at the mouth) about: Mother!! Sister - as if they have to behave in a certain manner before I take leave of their bullshit. I think I check in with it all the time because I am avoiding the work I need to do. (What a list.)
I think I have to be strong enough to fight 10 battles, to create - but all I have to do is be strong enough to consistently do what makes me happy.
I'm angry at them because they have hurt my self esteem with their hateful bullshit - but I have to take responsibility for allowing them to - that is who they are. They can deny their behavior, blame me for their behavior, etc. but I know, so what's my problem? I'm avoiding. I can't heal them, and if they don't want to have a truthful conversation, what is the point of talking to them, at any rate?
I have to add a girlfriend to the list as well. I don't feel good about myself after hanging out - but I do love writing her. Since that is the direction the relationship seems to be going ( and following her lead), I think I'm just going to go with it. There are too many other people out there. An old mentor once told me "Only the best and highest will understand you". After being around certain people, I find it hard to believe. So. I have to steer my way past them and make sure my heart/self esteem are protected.
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