Follow Up

Briefly, here was my day - met with friends for breakfast. Went to the city and met another friend, who has been here for about 6 months, and was desperate to go to Jack's 99 Cents store. We went and I watched him throw two weeks worth of groceries, mostly frozen fish, into his basket. Depressing imagining him in his small apartment eating just that for dinner every night.

Its evening and my roommate is out. I have been avoiding certain things - Friday, for instance, I was working on the Upper West Side and went out for breakfast. I met an actor, who was working on Death of a Salesman in a studio nearby. We talked for awhile about the play/acting, and it turns out that his director is an Iranian female. He felt it was a sign, and insisted on giving me her name and email address. I've been stalling, as I think nothing will come of it, but I'm going to make myself do it.

I'm very tenacious, I think I just need to apply it in the right direction - interesting link below, which talks about sticking with your creative projects:

http://www.themindfulartist.com/2011/05/are-you-giving-up-too-early-on-your-creative-ideas/

Good Move?

I wake up this morning and feel dread. Yesterday, I did researched M.A programs in ESL. For some reason, this made me feel like - the end of possibilities in my life. Like admitting defeat. Why haven't I done anything bold/outrageous and, I'm thinking, can I do it now?

Also thinking that many people get masters and that maybe this may just mean the end of the possibility of catering when I'm 40.

Struggle

Pretty good day.

I spoke with M yesterday and everytime I think about our conversation I feel content. I was honest and she reciprocated and we talked about things that went unmentioned in our time living together.

Today was babysitting again, tomorrow, I start work at BAM.

After work, I was particularly bored. This boredom has been there for a long time, but I drank to occupy my time.

I am looking for a place to either take jewelry classes or someone to make my designs. Small progress on that front.

Mostly researched ESL certification possibilities and made a lot of progress. Yesterday, I was thinking about it on the way home and got overwhelmed about how to pay for it, and then, how to get out of debt, etc. etc.

I started to go over all of my life choices and thought - I would take this back, that back.Finally, I just thought -  fuck it, I'd just like to be 2 again, and take it from there. I went to sleep early.

There's a chapter in How Much Joy Can You Stand - called - The End Of Struggle. It basically talks about how struggle is your ego, making a lot of noise, while not much gets done.

I've Been Hiding

Writing a quick post before heading out to Dr's appointment.

I wake up this morning and all I can think about is that I think M is blowing me off.

I haven't heard back from her since I was in touch last Wednesday, which is not typical.

I am noticing, that I have all this creative action I could be taking instead of mulling over what could be a lapse in communication. This distance, however, is forcing me to take a look at, and take responsibility for all my wishes to be recognized for my creative work, like she is. I feel like my ambition is being uncorked, without her to hide behind.

It is more comfortable and familiar to me to angst about things -

Even a Bad Day is Better

I dragged myself to my computer.

I had a kind of miserable day. I felt depressed/exhausted. Yesterday I babysat 3 times. I felt very lucky, though. The woman was so nice. She was like - here's the computer, the remote, you probably haven't eaten, here's some food, I know you like coffee, my kids are asleep...

It was surprising after all the babysitting bullshit I've been through, and she also pays well.

I went on Facebook to see what an ex was up to. Broke my own rule about going to his home page ( I don't ever want to go back to Internet stalking). I listened for about 2 seconds to his new song, had no interest in liking it, and didnt.

Immediately went over to see friend A, whose consistently self-centered posts I have blocked. While I was dating the musician from above, I constantly thought about how he might like her, (a fellow musician,) better than me.

I thought about my old friend M, who I am contemplating being honest with, to save a relationship that has had too little of it lately, thought about Googling her, and decided against it.

All in all, the distractions, the drag me to hell ugliness, took about 15 minutes. I wrote, and read about blogs. Read a book on writing.

I am seven days sober. I am thinking of all the things I want to do, and all the things I haven't done (regret has been making an appearance these days).

I feel steady and clear, most days, but when I have an urge to drink, I call someone from the program. I have a growing list of numbers, and I've never experienced anything like this. When I make some calls, if I don't reach someone immediately, I leave messages and within an hour, I'll get all these calls back. It's like there is a fleet looking after me - I send out a distress signal, and one by one, they swoop down to help me.

Job Bullshit

I am so angry at myself. This is typical.

I started the babysitting job with the new woman, who I could tell was trouble right away. We talked prior to meeting and she let me know she would be sending me a document with a to-do list for babysitting for her son.

I get this thing and it is 5 pages long and I reviewed it before meeting her. Some was standard, some was bullshit like I've never seen:

Tell him to put his booty down before he eats
If he acts out say " I love you but you can't do that"
When you are out with him and people pay attention to him, thank them for being so nice.

When she interviewed me, her ex-husband was there and we all read the document together. He looked like a man thoroughly embarressed - by his mother. (We've all been there. You know the look).
At one point I asked her what she thought about disciplining by using time out and she said - not yet. I took that in, and she said - What was that? That expression that just went across your face? -

I almost got up and left. I would have had I not needed the job so badly, had the timing not been so perfect.

At any rate, I manage to get the job, and start. The kid is so adorable. The mom - eh.
Long story short, the next morning I was late, which, as was indicated in the document, was not good.Oh no, not at all. I was fifteen minutes behind, and totally apologized. I'm never really sure in these instances, when I find someone irritating and hateful, whether I've been late accidentally, or "accidentally on purpose".

She calls me that evening to ask all sorts of strange questions (Was the baby in the closet? Who did the baby see at the park? Was the baby too much for me to handle?)

Lady, you're whacked. I thought.

Anyhoo. The next day she texts me and asks me - on my day off - What happened to the bear? Why is the bear wet? I just want to know if I can retire it. Thanks!

 I took time getting back to her. I emailed and let her know the bear was fine, etc.

Things continued in this fashion for the next few days - her strange, demanding. Me, trying for polite, professional (outside of the lateness, granted), in a strange situation I wanted to run away from.

Then she called me and told me that while I was nice and she could see I was trying hard it, "wasn't a good fit".

I wound up angry at myself. WHY couldn't I just do whatever it took to make her happy?? I blame myself for other people's bullshit all the time.

Good/Bad

Work is good. I keep waiting for something strange to happen with the mom/kids, but it is pretty straightforward.

I also got a job backstage at BAM, which pays union wages. This is good.

I spoke with a woman briefly - we had been playing phone tag regarding a babysitting job, and we just, finally talked. She said" It is 9-5, 5 days a week. (Good). I know many people want cleaning, and other things, but this is pretty straightforward. (Totally.) And I pay $150 a week."

Perhaps she'd prefer an intern? I didn't tell her off, I was polite, and let her know I was only looking for weekend work. I got off the phone angry, stunned almost. I almost posted it on Facebook, but I am trying for  happy/busy posts, to inspire regret and longing in an ex who is a "friend".

Then I went to Facade, a website that does IChing readings, to see what it had to say about our relationship. Not much to offer. Apparently I am attempting to have relations with "non-people."

I'm writing a post, finally. Perhaps he served his purpose.I miss him.

More

I started a new babysitting job yesterday. Sigh of relief. This is the normal babysitting situation I remember from highschool. Nice kids/mom, nice pay. Done. I am looking forward to it today.

I am not drinking, and it is changing my outlook on things. I am hungry for things, better opportunities, travel.

I told this girl from AA yesterday how I felt about babysitting for someone who is probably about my age, who has a house and 2 kids, a husband and a career. (Not so good) She reminded me that right now, I am just stabalizing things - paying off some debts. This is true.

I went on Facebook after sending a resume and scrolled down past ridiculous over posters to see if there was a new one from my old fling. There was he posted a youtube link and said it was,                 " excellant'. Ha. Another nail in the coffin.

I hate people who misspell. I mean we all do it... but he dropped in my esteem. But there was also a photo from him from his summer trip. I envy people who travel. I am so hungry to do so. I am separating my desire to do so from my desire to be with him. It is something I have to do for myself.