Healthy Focus - Forget Yourself Now Darlin' It'll Be OK

Didn't mention, but am going to UA/DA. Slowly  checking out meetings. Saw this article,
http://m.vice.com/read/filthy-lucre, about money/art, and decided to write some.

Also, researched shame/fear about sharing creative work and found this

:http://riskplaycreate.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/artists-writers-are-you-scared-to-show-your-work-take-your-fears-along-for-the-ride/.

Great quote from the second article regarding doing your art, and I'm thinking of acting because I've been making myself submit for productions " Your not shaking because you're nervous, you're shaking because you are alive -- art makes us alive."

I don't want to concentrate, and it's hard to. Even with earplugs in (which I finally submitted to wearing), I can hear all this noise, like the kid outside my window who was burp/talking earlier, like woman yelling at her husband for hours at 4 in the morning: " You USED me. GO BACK TO YO BABY MAMMA".
Also -- last week, I asked a kid who was hanging out in the hallway on the floor above me to keep his voice down, and he kicked down a hair ball that had orange Cheetos powder in it)

It's not all bad - it's just a tug of war between what I want to focus on. Bullshit, or the fact that I have a nice new roommate. The beast who yells in the hallway for his dog to come down, or the fact that I have 2 closets and 2 rooms. When I finally  (why so hard?) focus on the good, it's there: I've been nesting, have money and time off from work, and feel like the hibernating I am doing will produce good results by the time the season changes.

Maybe this struggle with the contradictions in me is necessary - things like -- I say I want to be famous, but I shudder with the thought of being known. I'll be big, I'll fall, I'll do something stupid, I don't want anyone to know me at all.

Maybe it's not a coincidence that I am thinking of how I can do things just to be seen a certain way, and that later, I was thinking that the best thing to do is to forget yourself and serve. To not be self-conscious, insecure and hiding. But to not be afraid to be seen and not caring how you look.

Puppy Love

I have off from school for the next 2.5 weeks, and have been caring for a dog at my apartment for the past 3 days.

This dog is just lovely. Whenever I want a nap or a hug, he's right there. I like to think this is a change from the typical crumbs I get from my cat, and I think this is the start of my changes with others as well. It's pouring love from this dog - and I need it. There's nothing measly about it.

I went for a walk after talking with M on the phone, because I wanted to get my shoes fixed, and found a new pair of shoes on the walk - black booties that are LEATHER, because I won't stoop to pleather, (never); this too, feels fortuitous.

Last night on the train, I was sitting with the dog carrier on my lap and this young guy said to me "Pet sitting?"
and we started talking because he pet sits too, and I wondered how he had guessed. "Because" he said, "if you can afford a dog, you can afford to have someone take care of it over the holidays." This, I thought was true. But how did I wind up the pet sitter?

I was reading this article online about how we are all catering to the wealthy in NY, and everyone is leaving (not true), and I was talking to M but did not ask about how to raise and make things happen with your creative work, and I think a plan, SOME plan, is a good way to go, and there can be change from there.

I sent in my head shot and resume for a film that has several Middle Eastern characters...we'll see.

Am in a weird head space. Have done a lot all day, and still nothing feels quite done. I think the things that I AM getting done are happening because I'm not around both emotionally AND physically. I thought today that I needed a new calendar, and that if my mom could put one out with a toxic thought for every day of the year.

Qui Qui

Over the summertime, I taught at an ESL school. I had a good feeling about it, but the school was not very good. Every few days, I would get a new batch of (mostly French) teenagers, who would sit in my class very bored, chat with each other in their native tongue, and leave class constantly for "bathroom" trips.

I tried to make things interesting for them by helping to get to know their new classmates, which sometimes worked. One day, in desperation, I said, " You can also ask me questions about my life as well." After a lot of silence, one sultry French girl raised her hand and asked, " Vat does your father look like?"

There were a few, insolent teens who would not pay attention to anything, then wind up looking ridiculous, like the Italian girl who wanted complain about me but kept saying loud enough for me to hear, " I'm SO boring!", or the German who wrote, " I hate this classroom" on her teacher evaluation.

The Endless To Do List

Interesting article/links on creativity and organization, which explains a lot about how I operate (or don't)

http://www.businessofdesignonline.com/time-management-why-you-need-to-be-organised-to-be-creative/

I was feeling pretty critical of myself earlier, but gained perspective after reading this - since most of my problem seems to be follow through.

In School/Teaching

I haven't written about it, but I got funding to go to N.Y.U. for book editing, and started my copy editing class yesterday - it is wonderful.

I was worried because I got sort of a heavy feeling thinking about using those proofreading symbols which I usually think of as tedious, but I think I've changed since I took a course years ago - I actually got into being perfectionistic, and of course, if helps that it's not my writing.

A few days ago I found out I will be teaching ESL starting in July, which is a relief, because I've had horrible summers worrying about money. It suddenly seemed easy -  have a job, and have a life.

My thinking is changing - I'm starting to see how I make things difficult, and always have drama, endless tasks and struggle. I have been reading Stuart Wilde's book, " Life Was Never Meant to Be a Struggle"

I totally identified with characters in his "Strugglers Hall of Fame", to an embarrassing degree. Apparently, it makes me feel important to be angst-ridden and overwhelmed.

It's all very dramatic, and lo, reminds me of my mother, who I am not talking to btw.

Focus - Complete

Yesterday was good, because I focused and was gentle. Today, I labeled "money" day.

I like to do stupid little tasks to process creative ideas I have. I put out about 4 necklace possibilities and then got to work organizing 4 huge folders of old financial papers, which got done in about an hour.

Then I got back to the necklace.

 I hate things not being perfect. As I was going through my papers I got up and started organizing and had to re-focus, by reminding myself that today is not, "apartment " day.

Making jewelry - no - finishing it - is irritating to me. I just like designing them and ha ha - I don't like follow through and have a problem with " finishing". I took one of my necklaces to Brooklyn Charm and it didn't turn out well - kind of my fault for not explaining it properly. It took effort to not to get angst-ridden about how it's not exactly what I want, and I was only able to put it aside by counting it as one necklace. I came up with a really simple design that I liked, added a charm to it, and now I have another.

I have an envelope for jewelry funds that has 6 dollars in it, which is enough to finish like 2-3 necklaces.

Perfection/Getting Organized

I have had free time and been accomplishing a lot. It never feels like enough. My goal has been to have a day  to do everything...and I try to stick to it, and find myself distracted and frustrated and always wanting to do more.

I just woke up from a nap. I feel asleep late last night, but as it is, I love them (a little too much).

I'm going to be in touch with friends and talk, but I just started Googling perfectionism and organization and found this quote:

" We're getting organized," Love says. " We're getting all the knowledge and habits we need to move forward, one step at a time."Fear quakes at the prospect of organization; but fear has a secret weapon: her name is perfectionism.

Of course it makes sense that fear is at the bottom of this, and I don't know how I missed that. After I read that, I got up and started doing things gently, steadily, without trying to be perfect, and wound up sewing clothing that has been lingering in a dark corner of my closet for awhile. (I turned on the AC and watched 30 Rock while doing so.)

After that I organized the jewelry I want to work with, and actually chucked some useless bits I've had for too long.

Abundance in the Universe

Much as I love New Age books, some of the terms get on my nerves

I have been researching the Internet for ideas about how to change my beliefs about money, so I've come across the usual suspects: - Abundance in the Universe! Channel it. (Can it).

What was useful, was that I discovered that I have a common problem: money shame.

I feel that it is shameful to want money, and that I am greedy for wanting it. I have fallen asleep to thoughts about how money could help me: I would go to the theater all the time, out to good restaurants, take trips, I would pay off all my debt, I would do is go to a spa for the whole day, and then shopping. (This reminds me of a quote I heard : "Neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them.")

I look around my apartment and have mixed feelings - sometimes I think: my cat is here, it's pretty, all I need are Christmas lights, candles, art, etc.. Other times, the lights are on, and I look at the carpet, the hallways (both dirty), and think no this is not enough. I live in a city where luxury is available, it's all around me, and I tell myself I'm satisfied, but I'm hiding from the truth: I have to take responsibility for my desire, and not feel bad about it, instead of wishing it would appear.

And I want to be taken care of, I know, though when my parents asked if I wanted them to buy me a condo here, I cried, " NO. Get AWAY from me!"

Sigh.

I know that I can do this though, and that there would have been a high price to pay for accepting their offer.

So back to this shame...I'm finding some interesting things in the book, " The Trick to Money is Having Some," (Stuart Wilde). He talks energy/New Age stuff, but also about how people buy into the idea that poverty is spiritual.

You can see his video, "Mastery of Money" here:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sOETCTKNiE

Something for My Future Self

I have been thinking about how life is delivering what I need when I need it.

Like this: the other night I was desperate for comfort and inspiration, so I searched my old journals to find a spell for a new lover so I could finally shake off the ghost of an old one. I found my journal from about 15 years ago and it had the spell and also a dream I had given a title. It's edited for clarity:

                                                     " The Gift"

    A true romantic lives forever in the present. A history teacher they are worried about lives in the past, but teachers of the past should live to teach. A bright young teacher figures out that this is bad news. Why? Because one should always be treading new territory. Knowing when to let go. Forever. It is true intelligence. I realize that. Although I am smart, I must make up for lost time

A man comes over. He has a new BMW bike. It is green. He rides it over to dads to see me. Mom is on her way out. She has a toothache. I marry him, but he disappears and we get it annulled .

Old lovers say good bye at the proper time. Time pulls them forward. "Old soul" writes one to her lover, "it is time for me to move on."

I realize I have so much to make up for in life; having been desperately anchored to the past, I have relentlessly stood still.

People; there are so many! I must meet them, conquer them. Be proud. Standing tall at the helm of my ship.

Onward.