I've Missed You Terribly

My old roommate, G, the nightmare, has reared her ugly head again.

We had agreed that she could get her last month's rent back in September - she signed an agreement asking for only security back, which she received, but I thought she should get more back. In. September.

So she emails me today and says I want it back on or before August 31st, or I will hear from an attorney. I fucking hate her. And, since I've already spoken to 2 lawyers, I know she has no grounds for even receiving her money - which I want to give back to her (although now that she is pissing me off...)

Whatever. I deleted her email and re-routed any further emails of hers into the trash bin.

Reaching

The ESL teaching job I took was actually bogus, and I'm looking into more legitimate avenues today - like New York State Education website.

I feel positive today and very grateful for small things - a 2 dollar pair of sunglasses, and new tank top. My cat being adorable.  Also, am very glad to be on call for my friend's wife, who is a doula.

I am being productive - and disciplined, as I am looking beyond survival jobs; I want to reach higher.

Trying to Stay Postive

I hate being light on cash. It makes me really nervous and everything focuses around that.

Here are some good things -

My roommate is out of town. She wrote me a note saying that she would be gone for the week. I kept it, so that if I was ever down, I could just look at it.

My computer is working.

I got a job for an ESL company that actually seems legitimate. Maybe. I got the call out of nowhere and when I went in, a shady lady reviewed my resume and said: "Lucky you. You just sent your resume in and they told you to contact me? We have a class that starts on Monday, it's 4 hrs a day."

I'm nervous about them, though, because it is a contract position and I wont get paid for a month. So meanwhile I am thinking about jobs, cash. etc..

I woke up this morning and observed myself: obsessing about some guy who is not in my life. Worrying about my new haircut. I feel afraid - alone - and I know I'm distracting myself and avoiding things.



                                          

Apartment Comedy

Yesterday I went to a comedy show in Williamsburg. Once I got there, I felt I was just part of this new crowd who had decided to go because NY Magazine and L Magazine said it was good. Maybe. It was good, though.

I went because I love comedy - and the woman who was performing seemed pretty hilarious. She made a short film where a camera follows her around as she does every day tasks while voice overs comment on how amazing her every move is.

I'm sorry. Does no one else do that? I have tried to explain this to friends and apparently, no one else does. I have to see it.

I dealt with apartment stuff after a long day. It was at the bottom of my long to do list. My new roommate and I decided that we'd both get things that were needed, but then she comes home with this heinous leopard print bath mat/curtain, which is wildly out of place with the calm, white/blue marble thing happening in my favorite room in the apartment. So I told her I'd get it - I felt like she was passive aggressively letting me know she felt the same.

Art-Job-Rent

I am at the public library.

This is good because getting out of my apartment is good. Bad because my computer died. I think I killed it.

I am still job hunting. I owe my landlord money and though I am on their good side again, I do not feel comfortable with this at all.

I keep thinking - put the stuff you wont really have time for first - I won't have time when I get a new job to write as much, make things (like the voice over demo), research schools for an ESL certificate. It seems backwards, but it needs faith - it intuitively feels like the right thing to do.

Family

 
I am leaving my family emotionally and want to create a new one. I have been emotionally attached to them for too long and it has inhibited me - sexually, emotionally - work-wise. O.K, on all levels.

Here is something about leaving them -

At 23 years old, I was all ready to graduate college, but was more invested in obsessing about a guy, who kept letting me down, and I wouldn't let him go. I failed my final course in logic (no surprise). Around the same time, my acting teacher had cast me in his play. I was doing horribly, and he threatened to kick me out of the production. I summoned my faith, and my belief in myself; I performed beautifully, and felt incredibly happy.  A voice deep within me said " Now I have a surprise for you." I went to the restaurant where I worked to have a celebratory drink, and he was there. He'd come to see me, and it was the cherry on the cake. We talked, and I felt this voice in me again, say " Now go home." But I wouldn't. I kept trying to get him to leave with me, and he finally agreed. Then the voice said, " Now it will take longer." I didn't know what was meant by that, but we got to my apartment, he was afraid, and left.

I was livid. I felt torn between this new heaven in me, and this anger towards someone. I felt like I'd never learn, never fly again, and my faith was punctured. I remember sitting there meditating on this, and at one point, I opened the IChing randomly and saw a line, pertaining to taking the wrong path, which led to dependency on one's parents.

I tried to perform the next evening, but sank. I didn't understand that voice, and I was haunted by this idea that I had failed and would suffer the consequence of waiting for god knows how long untill I would experience that heaven again. I couldn't really live with myself.

At 23 years old, I was all ready to graduate college. I had a lot of things going on at the time that weren't going well - a relationship I couldn't get a way from - an acting class, working 4 days a week, etc. My plan was to save money, graduate and go to Europe.

I failed my logic course, (no surprise) and fell into a deep depression. I felt I had failed everything - creatively, romantically. I worked the summer through this depression so that I could travel anyway -  which was really fucking horrible and painful.

My parents (particularly my mom) did not want me to go. She said she was totally worried and since I was going anyway, set up an 800 number so that I could call her anytime. She said it was a favor to her. I used it. A lot. When I came back after a trip that was shorter than it should have been, she said that I couldn't have travelled without it. (Whatever. I would have traveled faster, longer - better - without it.)

I went to Ireland, England, France and Brussels, the last being my favorite. I met a boy in a youth hostel then. Nothing romantic, just a friend.

After Europe I moved to San Francisco. I moved in with this guy, (maybe in his 40's?), who was pretty strange. What was stranger for me was that after I moved in I saw a picture of the guy I had met in Brussels on his fridge. He had lived there - it felt like a sign.

My roommate, as it turns out, had quite a lot of emotional problems. One day I came home and saw him sitting there with his step dad doing basic math. It turns he had been in therapy for years - and had a lot of issues with his parents, obviously.

It felt that I met him to learn from him; Still tied to parents, stuck. Inert.

Why didn't I leave them before? Maybe I wasn't ready. There were always teaching me that family came first and implying that I would be nothing without them. I feel like I obeyed them;I haven't yet flourished here - and I've starved myself emotionally.

Heal My Inner Mother

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  And I'm overwhelmed by all the different things I have to do: pay bills, get a job, do more research on teacher's certification. Even though I don't feel like it, I'm writing, and this makes tasks feel more doable.

I keep listening to Madonna's song - Celebration. Its reminding me to step into the flow of life that is present in front of me: joy, creativity, sex, dancing. To be present and follow my instincts. Instead of wallowing, grief stricken, in old, old pain. I was taught to be depressed. Sometimes I feel like I'm in therapy to heal my inner mother, because she never did, and although I exited her body, my brain is still tied to her.  I'm much more of a positive, trustful person than she is. I feel like she was always telling me to shut down and reject life until I believed it.

I Would Like to Live Alone

I am up early. I don't feel like writing. I feel like editing old posts.

So, am meeting with my old roommate today, to give her security deposit back. I realized when giving my new roommate the keys, that she hadn't given me all of them - she gave me 2/3. I feel foolish.
I asked her for the keys, then she struggled with getting them off her chain, and I stepped away so she wouldn't feel bad, instead of making sure she gave me all of them.  Maybe she made a mistake? Maybe it can be easily rectified. I'm not sure. I certainly don't want her running around with my keys. I think it might even be the front door one. I hate her right now.

My new roommate is moving in here this evening. I am already not very into her. It has been very nice and peaceful here, me walking around half-dressed, doing whatever I feel like. She asked me if I had a vacuum, I was embarrassed and said no, and she said she'd bring her "dusty busty". I keep thinking of that. She can use anything she wants here - dishes, etc, and I even told her I would loan her a bike. She asked me though, if she could use my computer a few times a week, because her desktop would be at home. I was like: NO.

But then I felt guilty and started to explain. She said - that's O.K, you don't have to make an excuse 

That bugs me. Why am I so neurotic and weird about people? I don't have to feel guilty.

A part of me - (my heart?) is like - oh God - just calm down, set your boundaries, get a job and enjoy your summer. I'm always having to reconcile the differences in myself.

I know in the past, I have gone out of my way to make people feel at home here, and in the neighborhood - (I'm Julie, your Love Boat cruise director). I don't want to anymore. I want to be friendly, trustful within reason and just take care of my end of the deal. I have become friends with previous roommates. Not sure if I want to right now.

Church

I went to the church. I'm kind of surprised I made it there. I was really nervous. I thought: it's not like I'm getting married there.  Also, later I thought: God has always loved me - why am I so afraid.

Church makes me think of - high ceilings, grandeur, good acoustics, congregates filling polished wood benches, fanning themselves. This church was small, with low ceilings and about 20 people in it - amongst them a very fashion forward queen, in heels. They were nice, real, welcoming, not fake - which I've found in churches and is such a turn-off to me.

At the end, someone prayed with me/over me. I stood in a long line to receive grace. I didn't know what that entailed. There was a nice man who took over the sermon and talked about Christ, and receiving his body and blood. Once again, I nudged myself forward - O.K, food, wine - you know you want in.
.
I went up and this woman prayed with me for a job. I really liked being supported in that way --  I'm not taking anything away from you by receiving. And its ok to pray for things to be good for someone else and know that I'm included in this. Its not a competition..It's arrogant to assume that I need to hold myself back for anyone.

I can be helpful and generous, but always forget about taking care of myself first -  I know it, but I need to practice. That is the healthy way to go about things - so that I'm not jealous, hungry etc, and I can share from that place, unselfishly.

Priorities

I just came back from the park. I'm up early. (7)

Yesterday was not such a good day. I looked at my list of things to do and did a lot of slacking off.
Today feels different. I need a job. Now. I'm going to pray and make a list of places to apply to - short term (cash jobs), long term - ESL/Teaching. Its a lot of work and pretty daunting.

It's all dark and stormy out. I'm sick of being in my apartment alone, which is rare for me, because this weather makes me feel creative. New roommate doesn't move in until Tuesday evening, and old roommate stopping back for her security deposit. Whatever.

More importantly. I think I'm going to the Gay and Lesbian church today. I want spiritual support, and I think that may be the right place to find it.

My parents don't know about my interest in women, and don't need to. I think my mother suspects, but there has been enough men in there so that she just focuses on that and sweeps her doubts away.

I want to be with a woman soon-like. Advance the program. I think it's funny that I'm not talking to my parents and that's one of the very first things that I want to do... (they did always teach me that priorities are important).

Catch

"We turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them" them" -- Charles West

Things have been miserable, and as usual I have been trying to get rid of feeling bad by drinking too much.

I was kind of flailing about, not comforted by the wine I was drinking out of a jug. I started to cry, then moved to my bed and stayed there, crunched up in a ball. I was horribly tense, and have been for weeks. It was this worst it's been. It felt like there were there were many different urges in me locked in battle, and that I was being physically torn apart. There were these voices in me  "you will, you will " and this knowing, darker voice that insisted, " No she won't".

I thought about the therapist's encouragement to go to an AA meeting, and went in to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face, stumbling around, and made a decision to go.

I went down the street about a 20 minute walk, felt much longer because I was wasted, and found this church which I've walked by several times. There were all these people outside it; this woman waved me over.

Her name is L.  When I went in to the meeting she sat with me, and during the meeting I burst into tears, and afterwards, all these women came up to me, hugged me, and gave me their numbers.

L lives around the corner from me, so we walked home together with this guy R. I felt like we were 3 ghosts in Greenpoint. We were talking about drinking,  and he kept saying, "it's not a game, it's not a game", and the ground felt like it was moving.

I stopped into a store, and when I came out L said " Will you take this pack of cigarettes and smoke instead of drink this evening? If it gets to hard, you can come over".

So I took them, and then later in the evening, I went over to her apartment.

She is older than me, used to be an actress, and her birthday, like the therapist who sent me to AA,  is on Halloween. She has become my interim sponsor.

Job (Un) Promising

Just went to the lamest ESL job interview. I was kind of psyched for it - definitely prepared. I applied because they said that if you had the proper background in teaching ( I do), they would help you get certification. Seemed like bullshit... it was. The interviewer was nice - she handed me a sheet of paper after reviewing my resume and said - here is a list of things you need to do to be considered for teaching certification.

That was the help they were offering. I feel totally fresh off the boat. And sarcastic (as usual). I should have just called her on it - I kind of did, but didn't want to burn a bridge.They wasted my time. How irritating. This is how I get bent out of shape. I don't just express myself and get over it.

I went to the Jack's 99 Cents store afterwords.

I got an email to do a Skype Interview for an ESL position which seems more promising. I'm cautiously optimistic.

New roommate comes today. So many expectations to manage. There are also many interesting, free things to do this weekend. I want to balance being responsible with allowing myself to enjoy this free time on my hands -  If not, when I'm busy with work again, I will regret it.

Busy Busy

I'm up early - went to sleep early last night. I drank 4 beers - only, had cigarettes I didn't count. I read the Laurence Olivier book - he's hysterical. I felt nourished by that instead of thinking about/romanticizing an old relationship.

My new roommate shows up today. This is also the day that my landlord turns up so he can get cash (my landlady - his mom, gets the checks). I sent her back rent certified, and July, I have a grace period. So he and I are done for the moment. (According to me).

I researched the ESL company I am going on an interview for - sounded kind of like bullshit when I set up the interview, looked it up online and it seems like it is. However - at the Science/Business library I found a list of about 10 more ESL companies that specialize in corporate training. Now I have to (yawn) follow through. Aren't their jobs out there for ideas people? Yes There Are. I loved working for an arts magazine. I think trend spotting (following your intuition, traveling, capturing images of fashion) - is ideal. I would love to do this. I feel superficial admitting it. Its just like everything else in my heart I judge to be inferior.

I am listening to Everything But the Girl - The Heart Remains a Child