Background - Family - the Bold Female Escapes

My parents are Iranian, and they came to NY in '69, then moved to Philadelphia before I was born.
Everyone in my family is in medicine -  education and status is a big deal.

I came here to study theater after getting a B.A in English, 11 years ago. I've also been a part of 2 theater companies here - one Shakespeare, the other was comedy/improvisation. I've worked in education, and publishing; on the side, I've worked childcare, catering, and backstage in fashion.

I haven't really done anything that I feel is substantial. I'm well-read, and creative.  I've done a lot of interesting things. It doesn't feel like its enough anymore for me to feel O.K about myself. And it definitely is not the best I can do. I am so much stronger and more resourceful than when I moved here, and although I'm passionate about art, I haven't applied myself diligently to putting my creative work out there.

Focus is a problem for me -  I have a hard time choosing between writing, acting, singing, design, which I'm learning to do. I know I should choose something, work on it until it is self-sustaining, and do the next one. As a child this was a problem as well. In elementary school we chose an instrument to learn; I started with the flute, went back for the violin, and returned yet again to exchange it for the viola, at which point the elderly music teacher yelled "NOOO! GET OUT!!!" (I eventually studied the piano elsewhere. For a little while.)

I've had R.O's. (romantic obsessions). Focus is not an issue in this area. It's a major distraction.

I've been reading the IChing/Kuan Yin for about 15 years.  Hexagram-wise, a lot of these relationships were:  50  - The Cauldron. Vessels that help me transform. Painfully. A lot of hexagram 44 (bold female, don't marry her), as well as 56 ( The Wanderer).

I prefer the feminist Kuan Yin - because yes, I am bold (and single) but I don't feel I'm judged/condemned in that version, and I don't think anyone needs to be warned about me.

I don't live in the same city as my family because: (a) I'm the black sheep (b) Their notion of family seems to be: let's hold hands till we die. Nobody go anywhere!(d) Accepting abuse/bullshit from people who tell me I have no sense of family otherwise is ridiculous.(e)  I wanted to be in New York, and I don't believe there is a difference between being true to myself and to others.