I just got the job at a company tutoring business ESL students.. I'm glad - I worked for them ages ago doing a proofreading assignment, and something told me to go check back in with them, since I am considering ESL certification.
Otherwise, the woman L who I babysat for and who I was so enamored with -- fired me. I worked for her a week. She asked me to buy a 10 pack of train passes, she covered $30 of it; it was $60.The second time I worked for her, I overheard the neighbors talking about her "high turn over rate" Intuition kicked in and was ignored.The next week she cancelled on me. I asked her to confirm on Thursdays and she cancelled on me again. Finally she got in touch this Friday, and let me know via text, that she didn't need me; all kinds of stuff, totally disregarding my request. I wrote her a straightforward email, calling her on all that - I tried for positive, professional, and asked her for a referral, etc., and she didn't respond.
Meanwhile, I'm catering. I signed up with a new booker the other day. A cool person, but not totally. When I asked about payment he let me know what he pays (above average), but that it takes him up to 3 weeks or longer (because, "checks get lost in the mail". )Um, yeah. I hate that. You don't get charged a cancellation fee each time? Didn't adjust and just offer direct deposit, etc? I can't really deal with that right now.
I recognize my hypocrisy. I'm thinking a lot about my financial integrity. This is good. Before it was often very one-sided as in - I'm thinking a lot about financial integrity: yours towards me.
It was funny/painful, because I wound up working for this guy at an event on Saturday. Upper West Side, Food/Wine. The kind of event I love - and have been to before, via a job I had with a magazine. But I was catering. It was lame. My tie was weird, catering feels subservient because of my upbringing, and because, it is.
I really felt it when I bumped into L, the mom. She was there with her husband. He eyed me with the same appreciation he did when we met - she moved rapidly into the direction of some crudite.
I really wanted to say "Pay me. Now." I was desperately in need of money, and it ached to bite my tongue. I'd never really felt so servile, and humiliated. I felt my mother's judgements, echoing my own, about my humble station in life.
In retrospect, it was a very Les Miz, "I dreamed a dream" moment.
It's also a big reminder that I am not wrong in my assessment of people. I thought L was a flake. I think I doubt myself because my parents always thought I was woefully trustful and naive.
I am lucky to have been told, "That is your greatest gift", by the acting teacher I respect - and to have read, " I create art with the 'stupid' part of myself, and write with the intelligent part", otherwise I think I would have written myself off along time ago.
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