I Miss Him

I had a hard day  - I worked, catering; it happens to be a good company, all kinds of good people.

Throughout this past month - I have been so twisted up in this pain. My roommate, my landlord, dodging them because I haven't found consistent work.

 Its hard and hurtful that I experience this pain. It happens often but I feel I am breaking through.

More on that later though. Having been trying to distract myself with pleasant thoughts. Whatever, hard to admit, but I discovered awhile  back that I am able to have an orgasm (mild/good) by thinking about sex. I'm still weirded out by this, but out of all the crazy-ass quirks I have, this one I am pleased about.

I discovered this by working with N, my boss. Ohhh. The pleasure the intensity alone, of the fantasy. Never felt anything like it. Before I knew it, I was all sucked up into it. The whole day was all: DELICIOUS flirtation; the office was this tennis court, where we would lob innuendos back and forth.  He could also be such an asshole. (Honey, get away from him -  that's your mother, said my therapist). I asked her: Is my mother - passionate, French, ideal physically, intelligent, sexy, creative? However - I do have dependency issues -  on my mother - her money - now alcohol - and I could see how this would fit in. Intoxication? Deal. I'm was totally interested. My job was boring - more on that another time.

At any rate - we never had sex, or even kissed. It ended in a horrible argument, and here I am in default mode when I'm like - life is too painful, I need to escape by thinking about something  "positive", delicious.  I've had uglier obsessions before. A prying back of my heart and soul. Another layer.

I wonder about him and my other  "true loves?" Do I miss him or my obsession - the distraction - the vanity?

I don't want to let go of the image of myself I created through you. I am 37. My first love I didn't know what the fuck hit me. Just keep doing it, I thought. I can't let this go. Don't go away. I need you.