Money, Art, Self-Loathing

I do not feel like writing. My nephew's birthday is coming up and I don't have alot of money at the moment, and don't want to see ANYONE, but my nephew. So I may go with my sister in law, who wasn't invited. She's crashing the party

Today I have to meet with a potential roommate. OH, I don't want to. I want to make alot of money and live here on my own. I feel lame and horrible about my interaction with my landlord, who really shouldn't be in my apartment, who already said that I was selfish and a bullshit artist. However, I don't really care for him either. Well . I somehow care about him even though his behaviour makes me sick. I accept a lot of bullshit and abuse because it feels comfortable and familiar and I always find something in the person that I like so that I can cope with them. Connecting with someone - finding the good/not judging them- can be helpful in acting, but not acceptable in dealing with consistent bullshit from a sister, mother, boyfriend, best friend etc etc.

My idea is to live more openly and share my gifts, which I'm not sure anyone will care about. I always thought that was a little lame - but maybe not - when people go on about sharing their art. That speaks volumes about how I feel(?): that its selfish and wrong to have money when people are starving, to get paid money for art (???) Or is that my parents perspective. Because certainly I have been poor and not cared so that I could be creative. So that I could have time. Not money.