I'm thinking about what art form is good for me. Even though I have acted on and off as a kid, it has often been difficult for me as an adult. It hasn't been about the work itself - it's been a competition between myself and other actors (often to see who sucks and can be blamed for the failure of the scene/play. Not uncommon, but not healthy either, and hardly in service of the play).
Also, with acting, I've had this thing for some time - If I perform, I am submitting to this energy/adrenaline, and I get very fearful: what is this churning up inside of me, and where will it take me???Then, when I perform, suddenly what I had unconsciously recognized about the scene and character gets expressed; like I am turned inside out.
When I was younger I called it was scary, but I trusted it - I was more excited. Overall I tend to come and go from acting as my heart opens and closes. I remember being in high school, my sister had left home and moved in with her friend's family. My parents were heartbroken, and my mother in particular, was vicious to me. I became heartbroken that she kept her pulling me in and then pushing me away. She had done it too many times and one day I remember going to my room, and whispering over and over again : "I want to make a pact with the devil - I never, ever want to feel again."
The next time I auditioned for a play, I read for a part, and it fell flat. My friend said he had thought I was kidding, and I didn't understand why, but I hadn't been; I just felt removed. I didn't make the connection (I didn't really believe that the devil had taken me up on my pact offer), but years later I saw that I had buried my feelings.
It's hard to act when you are numb, whether from alcohol, or from shutting your heart.
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