All I Want to Do is Continue to be High & Artistictic...

Continuing with the theme of honesty. It's painful/interesting that I'm dealing with this now. I asked my therapist to be supportive. She writes down everything I say, so why not how much I drink?  Personally, I'm also trying to  keep track of how productive I really am, and how I spend my money. All of it. (Got that from my acting teacher).And none of this adds up.

I'm scattered, creatively. I'm starting to feel superficial, and pretentious. Smoking and drinking, pushing around jewelry that doesn't get finished and shared. Toying with creating a voice over demo. That is not who I am - I value honesty, integrity, creativity- but where is it now? What am I producing, really?

People I've been involved with also didn't focus on the accuracy and organization. They were like: "FUCK THAT". I'm finding it painful to step away from that and find new people.

I was more productive before moving into my present apartment. First it was like - O.K, I'm going to relax (drink/smoke cigarettes) and roll up my sleeves, and make/do something. Lately it feels like all that is left is relaxing and drinking.

I knew I'd love living in Brooklyn.  I also knew there would be trouble, and there is. It's acceptable to drink all the time, and people joke about being alcoholics.

I'm waiting for my Dr. to call back to discuss my anti-depressants. I can't stand that I am on them, and I feel ashamed and defective. She recommends A.A, and says that I'm self medicating when drinking, and that I'm a survivor - it feels like one step up from addict. Its a label I can embrace (it supports my romantic notion of myself), and also makes me feels like I have the power to change. Everything and everyone is connected. I'm working on getting support, but I don't tell people about where I feel vulnerable.

I keep thinking of the book Women who Run with the Wolves. The author wrote about how you learn things, and then you have to learn to carry them out. You practice. You go through a period (I was 25), you discover truths that you need to live by.

 I can't tell you how many times I wanted to kill myself, because all my fuck-ups feel so painful, and  if I hadn't read that, I might have. I'm still here, but feel like through depression, I've died several times. This one I am going through right now feels huge.

I keep doing my tarot cards, and getting a card where someone comes out into a new place and survives.