I'm Not Perfect Yet - Tomorrow, I think

 I always think to myself: Am I really beautiful inside and out yet?



I want it to be perfect, me to be perfect - every expression to be perfect.

Every time I act - on a stage, in life -  I hear this voice in my head that goes: are you KIDDING ME? I'm really hard on myself. Everything I do, say, think, goes through a strict bullshit detector. It's like my friend from acting school said: "You think to yourself: Is this really the truth - no really, really, really, the truth?" Ironically, actors are such good liars, devoted to the truth. Maybe this is because if you know the truth, you know how to hide it?

I'm listening to Madonna. I'm a fan, but I come and go - I pretty much like her music, but on a different front, hate her acting. One of the reasons I give it up to her is this: Cher. She was interviewed, and uncomfortably - checked her ego for a moment and truthfully admitted : she's the best at what we do.

I love Cher for her honesty - she's a good actor, she had a human response that revealed her weakness and insecurity, but told the truth. Madonna is never really real. Madonna is all mask, every moment is STRIKE A POSE (or, this is painful, am I projecting?)

I always think about acting school. I let it all hang out - a lot of weirdness and self-sabotage.It took me years to get over it. I made a fool of myself constantly, and not just in the service of art. I prayed and I got through, and at the end of the year, a particularly mean girl admitted she'd been harsh, and that she's appreciated my work.

Still. This one girl stands out - my harshest critic (next to me). We'd tried to connect after having both had a bad day in class, in the beginning of the year. I was embarrassed; so was she, but she covered it perfectly. I (horribly), did no such thing. We tried to connect. I thought she was boring, but was too devastated by just how much I'd sucked to share, and she thought I was weird. And told me so, though adding: I SUPPOSE THAT IS WHY YOU CAN ACT WELL.

(That was thoughtful.)

We both sang well. She occasionally acted well. But really. It went on hatefully between us. One time I was in a group with after class and I said something that offended her, and she said she felt sorry for me.

I held back - then. Later in a scene study I  kicked her ass. I got through to her. Everyone was like - HOORAY. But I always fucking think about her comment to me and the one I bit back: Bitch I've seen Madonna act better.