Loving Correctly - How to Move Forward

I'm thinking a lot about men/women and loving well and correctly --

I'm often in so much emotional pain; sometimes thinking and moving at the same time feels like cutting myself. I spoke with someone at the bar this evening who seemed so hurt when I stepped away from our casual conversation. I checked back in with her and said " Hope you didn't take that personally - my walking away had nothing to do with you"  and she said:" No, I'm much harder than I appear. I mean I'm sensitive, but I'm like a raw nerve that has been exposed too long".

I totally understood; I'm older than her, my drink was lighter, but I am still tending to wounds constantly. With distractions of all kinds - nothing correct, that feeds me properly, that moves me forward.

I spoke with my bartender friend about his creative projects and he said: "Whatever - I'm exhausted - I'm not fueling my creativity - I just keep barreling through."

Are we all just numbing ourselves?

I'm thinking about men and women, the correct use of energy, and the balance between heart and head.

I just got out of a short-lived relationship. It seems pointless, and I feel stupid. I keep trying to love people correctly and I'm hard on myself and others. I do use my head but I am viciously perfectionistic. Often perfectly vicious.

I went outside last night to take a photo of a "Beware of Dogs" sign to send to a girlfriend of mine who shares my cynicism and issues regarding men. I took the picture and sat down in front of an apartment building. I looked across the street and there were these lovers and it was so sweet. There was moonlight, and a shared beer and they just stood there holding each other. When she walked away, she didn't look back, but he just stood, with a look of awe on his face, watching her go for awhile. I drank it in from my stoop. Then another girl came running around the corner and sat down next to me to wait for friends to come downstairs. She told me she was a photographer and told me where she lived. It was my old street.

The synchronicity made me think: maybe the relationship wasn't completely useless; when we were together I dreamt that I had met him in order to move into the drivers seat of my creativity.

I'm thinking about synchronicity and how people can move you forward - both of you imperfect, your art can be imperfect - but these moments of sweetness are so worth it.