Back from hustling - I'm babysitting for D, a woman who works for Martha Stewart; her son has a hearing problem. It feels alright because - I've tried 2 others jobs in the city, and they sucked. Here, its like, we both live in Brooklyn and get each other somehow.
My therapist said - I think you would like working with kids who have disabilities, but I have hang-ups. My mother was judgemental (I am putting that gently. She'd say things like: "Did you hit your head? Are you retarded?"here or there, but really why ever?)
I had a friend from college - my best friend - who came to dinner and acted the fool. My mom laughed at her, and said in Farsi - " Oh, she's the one who's going to get an M.A. is special education? If I didn't know that I would think she was retarded herself." Though my heart sank, I didn't tell my mother NOT to talk in Farsi, NOT to talk about my friend this way, or just: you are hurting me.
I trusted this friend (C). But did not respect her.She didn't really respect herself - I think I asked her about her "shtick" later - why she acted the way she did, and she said her motto was " just be a dummy, they'll love you". I'm revisiting this and its painful. Because I accepted abuse from my family, because I thought it was true. I loved them and accepted their version of me (their dummy) so I wouldn't lose them.
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