Acting/Life -- Integrity - Shhh. Don't Talk, Show me

I had an acting teacher, R, when I was 23. I still think about him almost everyday. He had a lot of demons, but when I think about geniuses and their timeless art, I think about him. I am still learning from what he taught me.

I met him after a big transition. There had been a fire in my building; my neighbor died, and I had been trapped in my apartment, but survived. I moved, started to mediate, and fell in love. That summer my friend dragged me to his class, and I felt my acting come back to life for the first time in years. I wasn't afraid of flopping - mistakes didn't exist, and I flew creatively. This is a dream I had about him at the time: My mom yells at me all the time and hurts me. I cross a great river and get to R.

He invited me into his fall master class. By that time though, I was obsessed romantically, and meditation had made me self-conscious, and egotistical. He had a lot of praise for me, but I didn't do much. I just sat there, judging people, and then offering them authoritative, deep insights during critiques. I had become afraid to make mistakes.

He said at one point that I am a writer, and also a dreamer. That part hurts (as I am waking up again). He cast me in his play though, and I flew again, then died in a fire when my romantic life blew up.

I traveled, and when I came back to his class months later, I had been in a deep, ugly depression for months. I was scared, and disconnected from others. I did a monologue, which he watched expressionless - then he told me to watch his.

I'd never seen him perform before, and the experience was like a shock treatment for my spirit. I left the room and cried, suddenly aware of my living death, because I had been hurled out of depression and brought back to life.

Since I am getting moving, I've been thinking of the acting expression - show - don't tell. You can tell who a character is through their actions, but this is also what it means to have character. Saying what you believe and doing it is integrity. I want to be this person.

In improvisation, you make a decision, and commit. I haven't been applying what I know fully; I'm sometimes half-hearted. I don't believe in myself because I look at my life, see my mistakes, and I'm afraid I'll fuck up. Then there is another part of me that says: Get up - I'm learning. Trust me. I can move forward. If you give me an action, I can do it. 

To do so, I can't sit in judgement of myself, with people who aren't artists, like my parents.

 I know who I am in my heart - I am a work in progress - 

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