Growing - Connecting with My Body/Heart

I love PJ Harvey. She has a song  - Grow - that I'm thinking about right now. I also love Fionna Apple. I don't care that my ex-boyfriend K says he met her, and she was crazy. (Men always think woman are crazy and I enjoy her musical company).

I bumped into him yesterday. We both live in Greenpoint - here's how we met:

I was living with 2 older female artists in LIC. I had super cheap rent ($300 month). I met them through their post at a Midtown arts center.

I hadn't had a relationship in 5 years. Sometimes painful, but I had needed to be alone. When N, the lease holder, started driving me crazy, I started to think: Maybe I will head out of the apartment, asap. Because it was spring, summer ahead anyway, and what was on the menu for love, etc..

I lived awhile from Vernon. Blvd. I listened to Madonna's album at the time - American Life. I really like this album. I was all: Love Profusion - stretching, stretching, walking - far, and I went to LIC bar frequently. I vibrated up - love - and down, beer.

I had come out of a horrible, traumatic obsession with a guy, my acting teacher, K. When I asked the IChing about it, I frequently got 50 --  the Cauldron: a golden transformation, but for me this has usually meant an ugly, painful depression. And it was. I hadn't know such horrible obsession since I was a kid.We didn't wind up sleeping together, but it helped me change, and it delivered me here: I was hungry -  I had known pleasure before, and thought it came around everyday.

I had dated an Aries when I was 25, it was and intense and hot, but our relationship was short-lived; we actually only had sex 3 or 4 times - I had nibbled because I had assumed life would continue to offer this, but I was wrong; Now I understood better. I prayed: another Aries, please.

One evening I was particularly plagued by N, and I decided I had had enough of both her and abstinence. It is funny that I was pushed out of the apartment by her "crazy" ass - we argued, and as I left she was yelling:   " LIFE ONLY GIVES YOU SO MANY CHANCES!!!  She hounded me all the time.

I went to LIC bar, and as soon as I sat down, and guy came up ordered a beer, and introduced himself - he had the same name as my acting teacher. Cute -- we clicked, and talked. Eventually we left to go to my apartment.

He walked me home - a twenty minute stretch down Vernon Blvd. no subway, or bus, just a football field's length to my rent controlled apt. We got there had a drink, a warm, Pabst beer on my stoop. I couldn't have him in without some bullshit. He went and bought cool beer and we shared cigarettes.Dating him was looking like a good idea. We were on the same wavelength (hate the expression) but there it was. Is.

Pausing to drink a beer and smoke a cigarette.

We went back to his apartment and slept together - it was pretty nice. He asked me for my number and I wrote it down quickly and then didn't think about it.

I was at work a few days later, and he called me because he tracked me down. I worked at a local arts magazine and had told him. He was all - you scribbled your number, not sure if you want to hear from me or hang out.

We did. An awkward start, it heated up after that. We went back to his apartment and slept together again It was the beginning of a 4 year relationship; later I found out he was also an Aries. It just came. Right on time. He told me a year into our relationship: "When we slept together, I woke up and was happy". He had walked, walked -  across a bridge, before he met me.

I loved and needed the time I spent with him. Its done. Nothing disastrous happened; My fears were outrageous: but a part of me guided me through: You have nothing to worry about. The ugliness I cut through - with my heart - I was so insecure.

That's the past.

I'm Bi. I'm truthfully looking - O.K, browsing, for a woman to sleep with.

I just got in touch with this woman on Craig's List. Such bullshit for me in the dating department. I've only made friends there.

This one girl wrote in her post: "Seeking friendship first," and I thought - O.K -  because I'm the type of person who thinks friendship is the foundation of romance.

But when she got back in touch with me she clarified  "People should start as friends because jumping into bed with each other right away is disgusting, LOL." I don't agree - and because she sounded prissy and ridiculous, I didn't respond.

I can just tell by how I click with someone. I know by trusting my instincts and have been obsessed about making them accurate so that I can best connect with people.  O.K, I don't have money  -   I've cared about this -  and still do.

My body knows. I do things, I show myself in ways that can haunt me. But it connects me with the truth and with others.