Job

Slept O.K.  - Felt kind of lost this morning. Went to park and there was an old woman on a bench. I wanted to ask if she'd adopt me. I definitely want people in my life who are older than me, right now. 

I'm waiting to hear back about the babysitting job I went to yesterday - she said she'd call, and hasn't which means... I didn't get it. Pretty sure. She said she'd refer me to friends nearby who needed babysitters.

Rather boring stuff except I completely want this to be in place before new roommate appears on doorstep tomorrow (sigh). Being alone here has been delicious. The whole thing started to go awry with GW (old roommate.) because I wasn't being completely honest- I'm trying to figure it out, but I think it might be part of it.Yes, I'm working ( truly I was - but only part time.) There's more. For instance,  I said I liked wine ( I do - in manner of someone who should live in a vineyard). Just something I'm considering. I'm big on honesty - if things started going south I'm pretty sure that's where it started.

Waiting/Learning - New Therapist

Waiting to hear about a babysitting interview.

I went to see a new therapist today. R specializes in addiction. He is in AA and he wants me to go to a meeting, which I am not interested in doing. I fell in love with him a little, regardless. Former boxer, construction worker. Smart. Born on Halloween.  (Fanning myself a little, thinking about him).

I'm reading a book called  The Soloist. Its amazing - (About an artist, as usual).I was freaked out about a part in it where the main character describes his theory that a person's many selves get together to create catastrophic events to effect change. I lost my book (by accident)?

I told him, " I don't want to be in any way shape or form self-destructive. This includes losing things, making mistakes, etc.., and he said "Alcoholics have big egos -  you are human   - you can't be perfect."

 I was sobbing, "Well maybe not everyone - But --  I can." We laughed.

Goals

This morning my mood sucks. Eh. My hair mocks me - it is full of life, wild and pretty. Sometimes such things matter.

I have a lot to do and I'm tired of letting things/people get in the way of that. I'm responsible for letting these distractions in and indulging them. (Landlord I'm talking to you. Depression, I'm talking to you.)

So I want to make a list regarding certification possibilities in education.

I have a babysitting interview. I'm a little sick of parents right now - sorry. Its maybe just NYC parents.

I need more positive music: maybe more Ani, although I am really liking Empire State of Mind (still) and Moment 4 Life.

Spiritual Meeting -

I have a longtime friend who is a born again Christian. He introduced me to his church friends and now I meet with them occasionally. It's always been a little awkward for me - I do not believe in the one true Christ. If you don't curse, I think, well, I think you are a little too delicate for my taste.

I believe in a Goddess.  I believe that there are many paths to your higher power, and that it doesn't matter who/what you pray to. I like the expression Godd - both man and woman. T. Thorn Coyle uses it in her book - Kissing the Limitless, about witchcraft and spirituality. Everytime I read that book it becomes deeper and more relevant to me.

 Today I brought it up my spiritual beliefs, and let them know that I felt like an outsider, that this is where I stood: There was a moment, where I was not Miss Congeniality - but it passed. Its not like they ever demanded that I was a card-carrying Christian.

Why did it take me so long to know this - and pursue it -  people have recognized it in me before. I'm Bi and a feminist. I want to find my own church. ( I think I know where it is... ) I know its not with them. They may not have minded my belief in a Goddess but I don't think my interest in women would sit well with them.

Thanks. How did you come into my life?

I am reading over some of my old posts - I don't think its a good idea. So, here I am writing a new one.

My landlord is around. I owe him about $250. You would think its much, much more. He acts like I am: a party promoter, a prostitute, or someone who lives with a family of 5 in a one bedroom. I hate that he goes to Florida every few weeks. I hate that he's here, with his brother and that they yell in the hall, like the whole building is their house.

My next door neighbor K is leaving this morning with her 2 kids to move to North Carolina. She's divorcing her husband. We actually connected, I think, because one day I was bitching about babysitting jobs to my old roommate M, and 5 minutes later K calls and asks if I want to babysit for her. Thank God for thin walls. After that the "doors" between us opened a little at a time: Did I know she and her husband argued? Could I hear them? (No. O.K once, but she was just telling him he/men are selfish and I just rolled my eyes and thought "Tell me about it". )

 She has been similarly harassed by my landlord, and has seen me through this whole roommate thing. She has been warm and giving and totally supportive in a time when I'm for real, ignoring my mom and being very clear about her bullshit and how it - how I have let it - reign my life. I have a hard time accepting that this nice person - who today is giving me groceries and a reference and more, well how do I thank her? Actually sometimes I think I'm the type of person who's like: oh no I couldn't possibly have a slice of cake. Oh no, really, really, you sure? Oh OK. I'll take 8. Got anything else? I'm shy at first, but give me a minute).

She says she is totally appreciative because I took great care of her kids. I did - they are the only kids make me second guess having children.

(Still not going to do it).

I think I'm waiting till my landlord leaves, see if she needs any help with anything. Honestly its not that hard, I don't know why I make it so - I'm going to express my gratitude, or let her know that words can't express it, etc. I am sure that she has more on her plate than whether I get do this perfectly.

Self-Esteem

 New job, etc.. dealing with new roommate. My low feelings about myself are getting in the way.
It's ironic, but the more I put myself out there, writing honestly, makes me feel better about myself. I'm listening to 32 Flavors.

I was fine with sharing myself, insisting on my talent, when I was growing up and acting in plays and singing.

I'm reminded of the Simpson's episode where this kid doesn't get a part in the school play and starts yelling:  "I'm the best actor in this school! This is a conspiracy!" (It actually was).

That was me as a kid (right down to accusing people of conspiracy theories I was right about). I doubted myself but not enough to hold myself back I always understood my talent/worth, and was always blaring it out. Like the people who I know now, who are creative -  Like everyone I know here in NY, with their constant self-promotion.

I need to make some goals. I don't want to be hazy about things - I don't want to make that mistake.
.

Normal - Finally

Here's the good stuff I did today, among other things: Got a new roommate. She was the first one I saw and it fit, fine. It is a practical decision. I'm still looking a bit - reasonably - her check might not clear. Sewed clothes that have been sitting in a pile for months on end. Got rid of stuff, (Roommate food, ) cleaned stuff.

Got in touch with Dr. Dot, a writer I followed for years in the New York Press,  to ask about linking to her work. She let me know it was O.K and sent me her info. I mentioned I'd get in touch with them because I like her and she's not published there anymore. Those guys feel like they are going down the drain, every issue is slimmer, it comes out late. Tred of it.

Got in touch with this guy I just met, to make voice over tape - I have to follow through on that. Not perfectly. Just follow through.

I'm going to get in touch with other writers I admire (mostly women come to mind) to ask about connecting with them. Pretty sure you don't even have to ask. I am new at this, everyone does it, but its hard for me.

New York Apartment/Roommates

Living situations have plagued me since I've moved to New York.  

Briefly:

Staten Island:  What was I thinking? I'd always oversleep, and run to that ferry thinking: "This is sad, this is sad." When I was on the ferry, I'd ruminate, depressed: "My God, what have I become?I'm a ferry woman, I'm a ferry woman." However, my roommate was good, and the apt, cheap ($500). I was in theater school. It happens. My instincts had said Greenpoint. I ignored them.

That was about 12 years ago.

Washington Heights: German boy, who resembled the Muppets character, Beaker. Pretty crazy. Rent was $500. Apartment had a lot of cockroaches I sometimes kicked down the hall, but it was pre-war, beautiful, and large. He starting having personal problems, and slept in the living room, often. I asked him not to. He walked around in his underwear. I asked him to stop. I usually encountered him first thing in the morning, as we walked towards the kitchen from opposite ends of the apartment. I contemplated getting a water gun so that I could shoot him in the balls when he'd saunter towards me, snickering and half-naked.

Avenue Q - Older lady. She slept in the living room, with many books, shawls, dusty things, and memories. Usually opened the door for me when I came home late in the evening. In general pounced on my ear and spoke of many things from literature and men, to the downfall of Winona Ryder (of whom she spoke of pityingly: She had no sex appeal, she couldn't grow up.)

Montrose Ave - I lived with 2 women, in the Mckibben Lofts, one of whom wouldn't clean, aside from mopping  her path through the apartment. The building became known as "the ATM" due to constant muggings, and I started running home from the subway. Expensive rent, no window in my room. Didn't last very long. Even the mover thought the room sucked.

Astoria - Cheap rent. Nice apartment. The mover thought so, too. My Italian-American landlord was something of a racist. I think he expected me to wear a scarf, have a camel, or be something of the walking, talking stereotype that he was. I got along perfectly with my roommate for months (because she was never home), and when she started to be around we drove each other perfectly mad.
 
Greenpoint 1 - A railroad apartment. Roommate had her own entrance, but constantly chose to walk through my room. Eventually I was given the boot so her girlfriend could move in.

LIC - Crazy/Cheap theme continued.

Greenpoint 2 - I lived in the converted living room. Also cheap. One of my roommates liked to spank his girlfriends during sex with the door open (for his cat).

Greenpoint 3 -  The best hook up for me at the time. My roommate was a painter, and never home. She'd interviewed me in her kitchen, we got along and I moved in. It slowly dawned on me that all of her paintings were of bugs, which I hate. She literally studied them (sometimes live), before painting them. I was more creative/productive than I had been in quite awhile, but I also habitually chugged jugs of wine alone, watched Gossip Girl, and fantasized about my mean boss.

Greenpoint 4 - Here, where I've been for 2 years. My first time as the lease holder. Mostly good things - some sad, and some strange:  I can look out my window see into the backyard, where my landlord's father started a giant magical castle before he died. Now a single gnome stands before what looks like a large,half-melted, cement igloo.

Demons

When I was growing up I loved people to excess. My sister used to say - I love you. But stop hugging and kissing me so much!

I leaned, I was reliant on other peoples opinion of me. I imitated everyone. I didn't love myself or trust my own point of view. My feelings were lost.

I feel like artists are people who need especially, to learn to love themselves first. Express their own point of view and not get submerged in others. Maybe they need to heal their dependency, in all its forms.

My acting teacher was a sex addict. He slept with 2 people in our class and gave one of them Herpes (she hated him, but even then, raved about him as a lover).  He wanted to... love/connect with everyone? I hope I am not being overly simplistic. What's up with the demons?

Whatever. I am listening to Michael Jackson.

When I was a kid, I took in other people's poison and demons. GIMME! I didn't know or accept my boundaries. Life is an allegory. I don't love myself - I'm an adult, and I drink poison/alcohol.

The devil likes to stop by, he knows I leave the door open.

Just Do it Again

Yesterday, after my roommate left, I had a big beer in my tub with a cigarette. AHHHH. I'm counting beers and cigarettes right now. It should be 4. That's rational. Irrational is the 6 or 8 its been climbing to.

I went to the city and sat in on an AA meeting. The reason being that the 2 older artist friends in my life all have said - I nipped this in the bud and got productive. Drugs are an avoidance. This is something  I understand.

 The meeting wasn't bad. Basically when I got there they were discussing treasury issues: " Hi, I'm Joanne, I'm an alcoholic, I think the same person who gets the cookies should get the coffee". I was like, uh. I don't know about this.  I don't think I could get up there and say, " I'm an alcoholic without adding (but not as bad as you people).

I went out to see a friend. He works at a bar. It wasn't good.  He was busy. I kept wanting to talk and he was like" I'M WORKING".  I drank wine for free (more than 4), didn't keep track, ate his pizza and left. He's having a really hard time. He's trying to decide between working on his art, making a living and which one he should be doing. He's a friend. I shouldn't take it personally, I was being an asshole - but I did. I tried to talk about doing creative things  and He was like - WHERE IS THIS BLOG, no really. WHERE.
I felt terrible, what's your point really? That I'm not doing something unless I'm Googleable? I didn't show him and left.

So I am pissed off - I sometimes think I set things up so that I am - anger pushes me.- and going to work on sharing it today and get back on the Voice Over thing.

ROOMMATE GONE. ESL JOB CALLS

Finally.

Apartment/Roommate

This morning I am going to see another person about the apt. This makes about 5 total. God help me I think it might be more. There have been emails from prospective roommates that went unanwered as well.

I am a bit disappointed in myself for not: having an open house, grabbing the first job I could. Being more reasonable.

Yesterday, I dealt with my roommate. It had some ugly moments when I found out that her mom would be staying here to help her move out, which I wasn't aware of. I let her know that this was awkward  - understatement - (she has a loft bed her mom would sleep in with her) for both of us.

She and I had decided on a smooth transition and this - is not it.

WTF - Work

I just got an email from this woman I babysit for. I've totally been in this position, with this type of parent before. Its fucked up. From what I uderstand/know, parents of children with disabilities are sometimes even more difficult than their children.

I don't know if I can do this - honestly.

She lets me know that I should read to him and interact with him - which I do. I'm careful and kind.

Then she gets in touch today to let me know that her house is messy. I'm not the maid. Jesus. I got back to her in a timely manner. Communication is important - I don't do it as much as I should out of fear. My therapist says I mumble alot. I was thinking about mumblecore (sp), films made about people my age who don't communicate well.

 I feel like I should be constantly, steadily, communicating all of it. Another aspect of business I should be applying to my life. Blog.

I spent time reading, and just hopped from bed to pick up the voice over script the guy sent over to me. Exciting. I'm talented. It was pretty easy, and I practiced a bit. Next step, DO IT. What if something happens, what if nothing happens after I send this over to him?

Finished alot of job stuff yesterday, not all. So I applied to like 5 jobs, no more, counting the babysitting/tutoring positions I applied to. Did not do ESL stuff - as in look into getting certified, etc. Dealing with this mom has really made me want to get back on that right away.

The mom next door to me is really cool. I babysit for her and we've been helping each other through landlord bullshit, etc. She's writing me a reference and I'm getting one (hopefully) from the dad I used to babysit for.
She also clued me into further ESL possibilities.

Just throw it out there?

I am waiting for a friend to get back to me about my blog. Meantime I decided to do some more about sharing it. I joined a tribe network, Gemini Rising. I think I will link to it.

Maybe make a FB page under a pseudonym?Already started that and it seemed pretty lame.

Thinking... being AS hard on myself AS usual.

Was thinking of sharing on Burning Man List,  but I don't know that its for me - I already had a run in with someone named Lucifer the Light Bearer (probably an electrician by day,) after accidentely overposting (3x) my apartment there a year ago. Which felt lame, and I don't want to post it there right now.

I am such a cautious person - a control freak. Why can't I just link to 10 people and see what happens?

Honesty Continued

In the spirit of honest open communication , and business, a numbers game, I decided to just - put it out there. When my roommate came home, I asked when her mother would be here. Right away. Not the right time, just checking in. And moved forward based on that information.

I went to the Manhattan Inn to sing - Before I did, I made a pledge to myself. I took my favorite ring, the only one I wear, and put it on my left hand. I only want to put it back on my right when I do this - get in touch with apt people, and apply to 10 jobs. (3 jobs down, 7 to go, beer in hand,) I am thinking about my love of symbolism - meaning, art and now being all mind/business, practical =  move faster - I have to put it out there as much as possible, and let it decide itself. I did my part. The ring makes me think of Bjork -  Isobel. Married to myself.

I did a Smith's cover and am listening to them now.

Business -

I am trying for open, steady, honest communication. Consistently. Without an agenda. In a business-like fashion. I have been at the business library in the city recently. It feels good.

I went to the library in Greenpoint today. Weird. I found this book - perfect for right now. A woman artist, with a good voice, an actor. All kinds of things addressed. I'm a bit freaked. And another beautiful art book.

I feel bad when I go in there, generally. I've told off a few people (all justified,) Whatever. I'm liking that I'm part of a community. That I can say, yes, I know, here is where I was, I'm growing.

I went in and didn't feel too bad. I had dropped off a book to support the library and keep finding good books on their free shelves, and they are always worthwhile.

A librarian came up to me - I really like her. One day I came in and I owed some library fines - and, she said: give it to me, and checked it out for me.

Today she came up and I've been thinking about referring her to different papers, etc, for her to promote her events, and the library, which, ridiculously is being cut back. Whatever. I was there, doing MY own thing, (correctly) and she came up and asked why I didn't attend her event - there is a level of respect there, so when I referred her to an organization to promote her events, I hope it helped/mattered.

This reminds me of S, the bodega man, who I kept butting heads with, next door. I was all - hey - do you do credit. And he was like, no. One day he said - I give credit to friends before 5. After 10 only friends/ customers.

This is lame, but I'll explain later. Feels like, where I am right now: You have to have your own bases covered before you help someone else. I always forget this, but this is business. Not only will it help them, but they will respect that - you will be the worthwhile person who helped them.

Happy?

I am strangely happy this morning after strange dream:

I was working at a restaurant and this guy comes in - its G. He acts like he doesn't know me. I run to the bookstore and look up his rising sign, Gemini Rising. He's a jerk, it says. I bump into my old - hot - asshole boss who is freaking out about some gay dumb bullshit. Also a Gemini Rising.

Funnily enough, so am I.

I don't what to make of that. HOWEVER. When I wake up, I have a different perspective on G. I just feel warm, not angry. Its not my mother's version - a disaster. I just think to myself "Oh, OH. That was good. How sweet. I'd like another affair." This voice inside me said," Now that's the spirit" (That must be my hearts boxing coach).

Long Day

I just came back from work. It was exhausting. It's the boy with a hearing disorder. He's fine. The mother is exhausting.

I did not like my day at all. I thought about this guy throughout - I thought about my viciousness towards myself and others.

I have thought about acting and this. How good actors are penetrable and influenced by something, changed, informed and... reflect? What gets in the way is ego. I hope I am not being too vague.

I'm at my best when I recognize the good other people brought into my life, let it inform me and let them go.

My former roommate - when I write, I am thinking of her - she brings out my best voice.

This guy I met - we were involved  - helped me. When I now turn to my creativity, in that sense, I am informed by him. He's not in my life now.  Here my ego gets stuck. I would rather focus on the pain and drama, than recognize the gift, be inspired and move forward.

I know I think of myself as someone who "gives credit where it's due", but I'm not sure that I am.
Ha. What is my problem? It's ego, resentments. I'm somehow caught up in the idea that someone will take credit for the direction my life takes. Just like in acting, I get stuck in my ego, and refused to be transformed.

Oklahoma

I just got back from "brunch" (a Bloody Mary) with my friend A. She is from Oklahoma, as was my roommate M, and the guy I was involved with G. 

I am Iranian - so when I become friends with not one, but three people from OKLAHOMA, its like I'm being told to sit up and take notice.  Pay attention. They are all putting themselves out there. They are sharing, creatively, more or less successfully.

Meeting with A hurts. There is common ground: Love of books, fashion - issues we are going through with men seem similar. Also interested in women. We met through Craig's List. I find strength in our friendship, but also feel lost, hurt, and awkward in manner of adolescent. Today I have a pimple. It fits.

Roommate M. I met her after a horrendous summer battling bed bugs. I liked her, and she became my roommate. We write, but don't see one another at the moment.

(A and M do not get along, they met at A's party and were repelled by one another. M stole A's pot.)

Sorry A.

Tick Tock

Waiting on prospective roommate. He is late...

 Back now.

 Potential roommate was lame. Going out to meet A.

Dealing?

In the midst of dealing I thought it was a good idea to call my sister. She had a baby a year ago - who I've seen twice. His birthday is tomorrow and I'm not going. I feel selfish and horrible. She feels the same about me.

That was not good timing.

This person I was involved with is going out of the country for a few months. I'm jealous. Looking at my summer and thinking is this it? Struggling - Dodging a landlord. I think I'm going to spend about 3 hours on this roommate thing tomorrow. There is always going to be shit. I can't let it be my life.

Potential New Roommate?

Dealing with my fuck-ups

Seeing new roommates, just saw a nice one. He was very green. Been there before - not eager to go back.

Others - Only July. Only August and I want someone long-term

G, my present roommate is not here. What a debacle. What was I thinking.

 I have a list of people to go through, and I'm going to eat pasta and deal.

No More Blow Jobs For You

I'm at the library doing a bunch of stuff I really don't want to do, so I've been avoiding tasks, as usual, by thinking about a guy.

This is ridiculous since most women turn me on more than men... just a few men stand out. I think I may be a lesbian who likes men.

Also, I was talking to my friend the other day and we discussed blow job techniques - I have read about them practiced, and excelled at times, but I'm over it. Especially since most guys turn pretty selfish - as I grow more into them. 

 I am not going to hang out with guys anymore, who don't bother to ask me how it was for me. (However, I also don't know why I didn't tell them). I've been around too many of them who after sex, grade the experience for them: (Example, Irish: "Not bad. Jaysus").

When I let go during sex, there's a rhythm that takes over, it moves me; it's invisible, but always there.

I want it all to be exquisite, I just don't want to go there unless you can engage my heart, my mind and my body. Talk dirty to me - I want you to use your mouth (properly).

Facebook

I am trying to upload photos from my cell phone to Facebook. I have grown weary of this task. Facebook is like - going out into the world in the right outfit. I'm constantly changing it and re-creating my image in my eyes and in others.

Books I am reading: Feel it Real. A book about energy, emotions and how we make things happen. I believe we are energy. That we are all starting to focus on energy in the world, managing it, and that there is a reason all of this "New Age" stuff is focused on it as well. When my energy is up, I connect with different types of people. When it is down, even on the subway, and I am angry (often) other people respond to me differently. I can think of many other examples.

Re-reading. Diary of a Call Girl. I am kind of obsessed with this book. Her wit sizzles. It is hot, fun and smart. (And also the reason I was inspired to use people's initials. I am a credit, where credit is due type of girl).

Job/Apartment - An Old Fling on Facebook

Here's what I did today:

I woke up super early, like 6:30, and I was like "No - too early for me". Not even 8 hours of sleep, up before my roommate, like my Dad/Benjamin Franklin/a farmer, I don't think so.

I have my period, slept fine, but still stressed about apartment/job stuff. I saw a potential roommate today. He was O.K.. Nice, liked the place. He was like: "I will let you know" I hate that.

Dodged my landlady's call, (I wrote her, told her I was having a brief problem after about 2 years of paying on time, in cash, and she doesn't read her email or is being egged on by her son. I don't know.) I did an I Ching reading - 6/Conflict - bottom line: There is good fortune if she gathers information and does not speak - so I'm sticking with that

I went to the library  - I love to read, write, I can't live without it. It was cool because I gave them a book recently and when I went in there was a pile of free books, one of which I have actually looked for at bookstores and didn't find- (Oh Radiant Heart), and another spiritual book which I think would be helpful right now.

I also checked in on Facebook, which I know is a waste of my time. Over posters - etc. Also, briefly (very briefly!) checked in on this guy I was involved with.

He looked hot - but I accurately remember the sex and think - it could be better. We were not perfect for each other, but maybe were helpful to each other. He was helpful to me.

I get him - I think: Same type of guy I'm always into, but he's also spiritual -- a new age player.

I don't want to be judgemental - there's a reason I'm attracted to these people; they are similar to me. I just am starting to want more. I kind of don't want to play games anymore.

We talked recently and I was drunk, happy and excited --but I listened carefully to my inner voice, and the mother of my heart said: I don't think so.

Money, Art, Self-Loathing

I do not feel like writing. My nephew's birthday is coming up and I don't have alot of money at the moment, and don't want to see ANYONE, but my nephew. So I may go with my sister in law, who wasn't invited. She's crashing the party

Today I have to meet with a potential roommate. OH, I don't want to. I want to make alot of money and live here on my own. I feel lame and horrible about my interaction with my landlord, who really shouldn't be in my apartment, who already said that I was selfish and a bullshit artist. However, I don't really care for him either. Well . I somehow care about him even though his behaviour makes me sick. I accept a lot of bullshit and abuse because it feels comfortable and familiar and I always find something in the person that I like so that I can cope with them. Connecting with someone - finding the good/not judging them- can be helpful in acting, but not acceptable in dealing with consistent bullshit from a sister, mother, boyfriend, best friend etc etc.

My idea is to live more openly and share my gifts, which I'm not sure anyone will care about. I always thought that was a little lame - but maybe not - when people go on about sharing their art. That speaks volumes about how I feel(?): that its selfish and wrong to have money when people are starving, to get paid money for art (???) Or is that my parents perspective. Because certainly I have been poor and not cared so that I could be creative. So that I could have time. Not money.

Roommate

Just had conversation with roommate about returning her security deposit.

It may not happen. 

Feel like Greenpoint scoundrel.

Happy Sunday

I feel really stupid. I sent my landlady money yesterday - her son D turns up at my door anyway. He's all buzzed (as was I) and said:  Sweetheart.. where's the money -  I told him I sent her some and tried to talk to him about my roommate. I even invited him into my home and tried to be all nice - which in my buzzed state included inviting him to sit on  my bed, covered in a blue blanket 'cause I was doing the wash,and inviting him to share my Bud light. Jesus. As I write this though, I realize that I didn't completely fuck things. I didn't for instance, tell him I would give him a blow job.

Anyways, I hatched my little plan which was to be brief and to the point, and told him that it was not O.K for him to turn up at my door and ask for money, because he freaks my roommate out, and I don't want/can't afford for her to leave. He got this fearful look in his eyes, got up and said: She's not scared of me, she's scared of you. You took 3 months of her money. Your a bullshit artist - And he left.

Ok, So - ouch. I feel such self-loathing right now. Like - you fuck up everything. No one likes you. etc. etc.

I know I shouldn't have tried to talk to him - let alone the rest of the deal - he's toxic and dreadful and the last time he called me a selfish bitch, and I was reeling from that for weeks.

Also, no more talking to G, my roommate. I went over to my neighbors house (K) after babysitting for her kids.. I told her the basic story. She invited me back over to dinner. She told me she had bed bugs again (we had them last summer), And I'm like FUCK. FUUUUCCCKK.

Anyways, I got home and realized G was home, probably hearing every word. I was like - Hello...? She said hi back but she sounded treacherous. OK, this is maybe me reading into things.

I am going to therapy. And posting my apartment. And getting a job - any job. I am not talking to my landlord, or my roommate. He can talk to his therapist. She can talk to my attorney.

More later.

Plunging Ahead

Today - Weird. Particularly weird. I woke up to babysit and went over to my neighbor's house. Her kids are adorable. A lot to say but don't feel like writing. It went well. I just had moments where I felt joy (connecting with them) and then disconnecting and feeling - whoa - what am I doing + where is this going. FUCK. This is fucked.

I felt different and better when I got out of there.

Whatever. Its' Friday.

Yesterday went well - I am surprised but not. The kid is like nice and plays fair, similiarly, his mom.

I found myself in a playroom with all moms and nannies. You could tell who was who. I was with the ones who needed facials.

I dont really want to write about this right now. I want to get rid of my roommate and do the right thing - however I loathe her, and her headband, and her elephant print dress - and I want to get a new one.

I went to see my friend J yesterday. We went to college together in Philadelphia. He's been here for years and buys me drinks all the time at his bartending gig in the city. He's also kind of a big brother. I played it pretty cool about the whole thing.. I usually bitch like practically walking in the door (isnt that what you do with a bartender, Jesus.) But lately he's been like - OK, what's the matter this time, or who is the guy this time -  and I'm like oh... don't want to be that girl.

We talked about the Weiner thing - July 4th will make headlines worse, and what the fuck is wrong with everyone for caring about this - etc. My suggestion is that every public official who supports weiner should send in a photo of their dick to their twitter account, etc..

J was like "oh. HA HA HA. Ok what's the problem this time. (He already knows there is a problem - he referred me to his friend the attourney). I told him -  and he's like FUCK HER. and I'm like but the the truth! the justice! the and he keeps interjecting FUCK HER. FUCK HER, like a mantra. I think he actually said at one point. I want you to say it to yourself like a mantra - FUCK HER, GET HER OUT, or something.

I love J. He puts me back in touch with my anger and clarity - while I get nervous and poetic.

Good/Bad Today

Bullshit I've encountered along the way/day -

I dont want to write about it but I will - I went to work today - Yay me. I've been buffered by big deal therapy session yesterday.

So I wake up and encounter bullshit resistance - or not? I'm tired, I've made it through and now I'm thinking I've got a super huge list of tasks to do. A beer... maybe? So I gave in. Accomplished some stuff, fell into other stupid familar stuff along the way. (Maybe that guy wasn't so bad? Let me take my mind off this.. ) And so on.

So I did get stuff done. Even got back to the Dad (B) who could provide babysitting/special ed reference - Stopped into a reading after work - that was good/not. Later will explain.

Whatever. So I'm worried about some things with the mom I babysit for (especially after the last mom wife of above- what a nightmare she was, the shit I put up with.  Everyday - the communication book, the homework, the dishes, the shoes out in the hallway, but don't turn the light on, ... blah blah blah. I tried, I tried, I tried).

So when this new woman (D) gets in touch and says - there's ink on my floor! What happened??? I'm thinking: Oh, shit, here we go again.

It all worries me - I'm an anxious pleaser/perfectionist - I don't draw the line.. or something.

I feel stupid. She asked me to do what I'm best at: read, interact with her son and I was like YES!

She says: GREAT. put his hearing device on IN THE BATHROOM and then let him out. I tried, he splashes water everywhere, I don't want to man handle him, so I move him, trying to cooperate with him to get my way... out he goes and blah.

Anyway, she comes home and there's a piece of his hearing device missing - small - could've come off anywhere and she's like "WHERE?WHERE? And I'm like - he was throwing water at me - I looked around and - found it.

I want to treat myself fairly first ( a bit new - I know where it lives, but I don't live there).

I get your mistrust - but.. I'm worried. How much can I trust you -- I didn't even know about the ridiculousness of this hundred thousand dollar thing. For REAL??

I"m making too much of this -- more later

Work/Drama

I wake up and I tell you, I feel self destructive.

Not wildly, just my usual tendencies. I want to revisit past affairs and avoid moving forward. I want to drink a beer. I was tempted. Had one. Finally, I did my morning pages and started rumniating on how/what I was going to say to the booking  manager who I have to cancel on, so that I can work all day elsewhere on Thursday. I think I've already gotten on his nerves and stood out as like this ... dunno. I'm not star material in the catering world

New York City in the Summer

Everyone hot, tired, and wishing they were dressed better.

They Should Serve Alcohol in This Place

Not sure where I left off - but today is all about: getting a new roommate, going into the city to get a "one shot deal" to have my electric bill paid - if I can - and then going to have a double therapy session.

It is kind of painful to walk by this real estate office that claims that Greenpoint is "awash in 7 billion dollars." REALLY?

God how embarrassing. I mean I know here, I walk down the street, hanging my head in shame if I owe someone a quarter or what have you, and meanwhile everyone is pretty much in debt on a larger scale.

My phone is fucked up. All I can think about is how quality lasts and this phone is not it. Everything feels so dramatic and meaningful; I've needed my phone because of my money and work situation being all fucked up, and what if I needed it to get a job that would save me, and the people at Metro PCS didn't care, and that would cost me, because I was poor, and it should have been quality, I should have been quality, and instead I'm not, and am just awash in shoddy shit.

And then I get down to the government agency for my electric bill, and I was sad, because I love 14th street, and now I felt like I would never be able to look at it the same way again, having done the walk of shame on it. The building and people were dreadful - abrasive, loud, fluorescent lights, people and children yelling, 4 flights up to this room where I took a number (300), to have someone determine your fate.

I filled out a long application, and every once in awhile, looked over at this woman who was casually reading a paper, looking mildly interested in everything around her. This was not my situation. I called the electric company who had said that they would stop by between 12 and 3 to turn off my electricity, and I asked them again to wait, and started sobbing. I tried to but into line by saying that I was number 200, and had lost my ticket, but was shooed away, so I waited some more.

Eventually, I met with someone who listened to my story and she really seemed to have her own problems. I imagined her thinking , "Lord, what did I do to deserve this job?" and again thought about how important we all are, and how we have to be quality for each other, and you never know who you are helping, and this means being happy and grateful in mundane moments at your bullshit job - that you really have to trust - you are fulfilling your purpose even here, now.

I got to meet with another counselor, who told me that I would get assistance, and promised me that my electricity would not get shut off, and it did not.

I went home and drank, and thought about how even my relationship with my roommate was strained, to put it lightly, it was nothing close to what it would have been if I had had to explain that we had no electricity in the apartment.

I Miss Him

I had a hard day  - I worked, catering; it happens to be a good company, all kinds of good people.

Throughout this past month - I have been so twisted up in this pain. My roommate, my landlord, dodging them because I haven't found consistent work.

 Its hard and hurtful that I experience this pain. It happens often but I feel I am breaking through.

More on that later though. Having been trying to distract myself with pleasant thoughts. Whatever, hard to admit, but I discovered awhile  back that I am able to have an orgasm (mild/good) by thinking about sex. I'm still weirded out by this, but out of all the crazy-ass quirks I have, this one I am pleased about.

I discovered this by working with N, my boss. Ohhh. The pleasure the intensity alone, of the fantasy. Never felt anything like it. Before I knew it, I was all sucked up into it. The whole day was all: DELICIOUS flirtation; the office was this tennis court, where we would lob innuendos back and forth.  He could also be such an asshole. (Honey, get away from him -  that's your mother, said my therapist). I asked her: Is my mother - passionate, French, ideal physically, intelligent, sexy, creative? However - I do have dependency issues -  on my mother - her money - now alcohol - and I could see how this would fit in. Intoxication? Deal. I'm was totally interested. My job was boring - more on that another time.

At any rate - we never had sex, or even kissed. It ended in a horrible argument, and here I am in default mode when I'm like - life is too painful, I need to escape by thinking about something  "positive", delicious.  I've had uglier obsessions before. A prying back of my heart and soul. Another layer.

I wonder about him and my other  "true loves?" Do I miss him or my obsession - the distraction - the vanity?

I don't want to let go of the image of myself I created through you. I am 37. My first love I didn't know what the fuck hit me. Just keep doing it, I thought. I can't let this go. Don't go away. I need you.

Stretch - Losing or extending my truth center -

I am - here. Mentioned to my therapist that I could feel things - know what was true/what feels true. She seemed intimidated, daunted(?) Didnt check. Maybe its like this quote - that I love: those who know do not say, those who say do not know.." Because I don't want to talk about it with her right now. I'm shielding myself, afraid to grow, growing, waiting for the right light. A ground hog.

I remember dealing with this artist - working/ a painter - I explained how I related to designing jewelry ( I just move it around till it feels right). He said, Yes. That's right.

Hard to write about - I am in the present moment - tired, stressed, transforming my relationship to writing, work, etc. I see a long, tired, drawn out future, but I'm dramatic.

I have this fear - Voices of Christmas future, a line from a movie where the guy says.-- : "I could'a been somebody, been somebody".

There is also this voice that says: I guess I will die with my secret. It is a voice that gets pleasure from my demise. Demon. Works in acting.  Devours my pain. Makes it art.. A voice in the background that says - Always been here - the pain, my pleasure. Something like that.

I know that's weird, but I feel its pretty true. I wonder how this relates to my sexuality - (submissive feels hot). The dominant - likewise. Having an equal that is pretty hard. I don't know if the relationship will work out, and I wish I did. I get highly anxious - I try to hold steady in the center and its hard to wait -- What if it doesnt happen?? At least with guys I don't respect, I know they are not right, the be all end all.

The Latest Bullshit/Reminiscing

The latest bullshit is this - how to start?

Brief is good. I am so angry at everyone and trying to focus on what is right which means getting my money right - what a trial. I cannot do it with these people on/around me.

Its not just my roommate. I have a landlord - D - who I got in touch with - through my roommate, who saved me just in time. her name was S

I let her know, before meeting with her landlord that I didn't have money ( I don't now) but that I could honestly pay her rent that she asked. We went to meet with him and he was like - no, no. I don't know. I looked up and asked godd, please if this is right for me, let it happen. And what happened is this:

She said - D- I have 600 dollars for you - will that do it? And he said O.K. - we got a lease -
Later I asked her - what happened? and she said - I don't know, I looked up at the sky - and the sun came out.

So we moved in together. Didn't really get along - it was O.K.  but.. just. I was running around doing my job, she was living in the living room/bedroom - and I walked through everytime to the kitchen - Frequently.

It was weird - we got along - I don't know what her deal was, but in the evening I drank - she said she didn't drink or smoke, but I dont know. what I do know is this:

One day - soon after I moved in - she went to a shitty job and never came back -

I was glad she was out -

And later - I stepped out and saw an accident - all these people - and asked, didn't find out, and came back to the apartment to drink. Later, I found out through her friends, that she had ridden her bike - in the rain - in the street - to go to hand out flyers -  She had gotten hit by a truck - and a spectacle surrounded her - a woman saying - cover her underpants! A friend saying - you stupid bitch, that doesn't matter. She wasn't really conscious, she was blinking - she was hit in her gut- and was taken to the emergency room -

I found this out later - through my upstairs neighbor. (W) I knocked on his door - and called him -
He and his partner showed up at my door - I said she died - W said - I thought so, we didn't know what to do, they said she would be OK, we went out to brunch. His partner - sobbed - horribly.

My landlord came by and said - is this true? is this true? and cried. We all did.