Stretch - Losing or extending my truth center -

I am - here. Mentioned to my therapist that I could feel things - know what was true/what feels true. She seemed intimidated, daunted(?) Didnt check. Maybe its like this quote - that I love: those who know do not say, those who say do not know.." Because I don't want to talk about it with her right now. I'm shielding myself, afraid to grow, growing, waiting for the right light. A ground hog.

I remember dealing with this artist - working/ a painter - I explained how I related to designing jewelry ( I just move it around till it feels right). He said, Yes. That's right.

Hard to write about - I am in the present moment - tired, stressed, transforming my relationship to writing, work, etc. I see a long, tired, drawn out future, but I'm dramatic.

I have this fear - Voices of Christmas future, a line from a movie where the guy says.-- : "I could'a been somebody, been somebody".

There is also this voice that says: I guess I will die with my secret. It is a voice that gets pleasure from my demise. Demon. Works in acting.  Devours my pain. Makes it art.. A voice in the background that says - Always been here - the pain, my pleasure. Something like that.

I know that's weird, but I feel its pretty true. I wonder how this relates to my sexuality - (submissive feels hot). The dominant - likewise. Having an equal that is pretty hard. I don't know if the relationship will work out, and I wish I did. I get highly anxious - I try to hold steady in the center and its hard to wait -- What if it doesnt happen?? At least with guys I don't respect, I know they are not right, the be all end all.