Synchronicity/I Ching

I am reading a book called "The Path of Synchronicity", and am looking out for them, but haven't seen any so far.

I've mentioned it before, though, and I have read the I Ching for about 20 years. I sometimes take it's accuracy for granted, but sometimes am still blown away by readings that get exact months, and nail relationship dynamics that I have asked about.

Here is the website I use, which has a member's forum, and also provides readings: http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/

Not This

Today I started my application to NYC Teaching Fellows. There are a few essays, and I know I will be perfectionistic about it, and it will be grueling, and I'm a bit wary.

Also, today, the 12 year old I babysit for was kind of obnoxious. His mom wants him to do these chores when he gets in, and for the first few weeks he was alright with it. Now, he comes home everyday and has this scowl on his face, and refuses to do things. I asked him today to take his lunch box out of his bag and he said," You do it. You're right next to it." I was all, " NO, I'm not your maid". He did it eventually, but it bothered me for awhile. I think I'm going to start to look for other things. It has been in the back of my mind - I like them and all, and I'm sure I can talk to his mom and she will be understanding and back off - but I just want more. SO MUCH MORE.

I was on my way home thinking of the exciting life people think we all live in NY, and how I should be out every night, meeting people who are dazzling, who will change my life. Usually, I'm pretty tired at the end of the day, and just want to read, and hang out with my cat. I don't think I'm the only one who feels that way either.

Hmmm..

My horoscope says I will meet a handsome and exotic stranger.

Maybe I will meet someone from the Bronx.

Stop That

I realized the other day that I avoid a lot of things that irritate me in life by taking refuge in a romantic fixation.

Today, for instance, waiting for the subway that was taking too long, I started to think about an ex. Now, this is a guy who I know is not perfect for me - but thinking of the moments that were promising, is preferable to sitting there bored or frustrated.

There are so many of these moments - the subway isnt running, or it is and it is too crowded, and someone elbows me and/or talks too loud (or there kid does, and they think it's charming, and I'm fuming). Sometimes I will even be in my apartment by myself and find myself interacting with him in my mind - and it's freaky to me.

I realized that my tendency to do this can be likened to having a really delicious chicken dinner and then for weeks, and months, holding on to the chicken bone. And realizing that I am responsible for getting that new thing. That I shouldn't judge myself into the ground, either. But that I should, you know, put it down.

Follow Up

Briefly, here was my day - met with friends for breakfast. Went to the city and met another friend, who has been here for about 6 months, and was desperate to go to Jack's 99 Cents store. We went and I watched him throw two weeks worth of groceries, mostly frozen fish, into his basket. Depressing imagining him in his small apartment eating just that for dinner every night.

Its evening and my roommate is out. I have been avoiding certain things - Friday, for instance, I was working on the Upper West Side and went out for breakfast. I met an actor, who was working on Death of a Salesman in a studio nearby. We talked for awhile about the play/acting, and it turns out that his director is an Iranian female. He felt it was a sign, and insisted on giving me her name and email address. I've been stalling, as I think nothing will come of it, but I'm going to make myself do it.

I'm very tenacious, I think I just need to apply it in the right direction - interesting link below, which talks about sticking with your creative projects:

http://www.themindfulartist.com/2011/05/are-you-giving-up-too-early-on-your-creative-ideas/

Good Move?

I wake up this morning and feel dread. Yesterday, I did researched M.A programs in ESL. For some reason, this made me feel like - the end of possibilities in my life. Like admitting defeat. Why haven't I done anything bold/outrageous and, I'm thinking, can I do it now?

Also thinking that many people get masters and that maybe this may just mean the end of the possibility of catering when I'm 40.

Struggle

Pretty good day.

I spoke with M yesterday and everytime I think about our conversation I feel content. I was honest and she reciprocated and we talked about things that went unmentioned in our time living together.

Today was babysitting again, tomorrow, I start work at BAM.

After work, I was particularly bored. This boredom has been there for a long time, but I drank to occupy my time.

I am looking for a place to either take jewelry classes or someone to make my designs. Small progress on that front.

Mostly researched ESL certification possibilities and made a lot of progress. Yesterday, I was thinking about it on the way home and got overwhelmed about how to pay for it, and then, how to get out of debt, etc. etc.

I started to go over all of my life choices and thought - I would take this back, that back.Finally, I just thought -  fuck it, I'd just like to be 2 again, and take it from there. I went to sleep early.

There's a chapter in How Much Joy Can You Stand - called - The End Of Struggle. It basically talks about how struggle is your ego, making a lot of noise, while not much gets done.

I've Been Hiding

Writing a quick post before heading out to Dr's appointment.

I wake up this morning and all I can think about is that I think M is blowing me off.

I haven't heard back from her since I was in touch last Wednesday, which is not typical.

I am noticing, that I have all this creative action I could be taking instead of mulling over what could be a lapse in communication. This distance, however, is forcing me to take a look at, and take responsibility for all my wishes to be recognized for my creative work, like she is. I feel like my ambition is being uncorked, without her to hide behind.

It is more comfortable and familiar to me to angst about things -

Even a Bad Day is Better

I dragged myself to my computer.

I had a kind of miserable day. I felt depressed/exhausted. Yesterday I babysat 3 times. I felt very lucky, though. The woman was so nice. She was like - here's the computer, the remote, you probably haven't eaten, here's some food, I know you like coffee, my kids are asleep...

It was surprising after all the babysitting bullshit I've been through, and she also pays well.

I went on Facebook to see what an ex was up to. Broke my own rule about going to his home page ( I don't ever want to go back to Internet stalking). I listened for about 2 seconds to his new song, had no interest in liking it, and didnt.

Immediately went over to see friend A, whose consistently self-centered posts I have blocked. While I was dating the musician from above, I constantly thought about how he might like her, (a fellow musician,) better than me.

I thought about my old friend M, who I am contemplating being honest with, to save a relationship that has had too little of it lately, thought about Googling her, and decided against it.

All in all, the distractions, the drag me to hell ugliness, took about 15 minutes. I wrote, and read about blogs. Read a book on writing.

I am seven days sober. I am thinking of all the things I want to do, and all the things I haven't done (regret has been making an appearance these days).

I feel steady and clear, most days, but when I have an urge to drink, I call someone from the program. I have a growing list of numbers, and I've never experienced anything like this. When I make some calls, if I don't reach someone immediately, I leave messages and within an hour, I'll get all these calls back. It's like there is a fleet looking after me - I send out a distress signal, and one by one, they swoop down to help me.

Job Bullshit

I am so angry at myself. This is typical.

I started the babysitting job with the new woman, who I could tell was trouble right away. We talked prior to meeting and she let me know she would be sending me a document with a to-do list for babysitting for her son.

I get this thing and it is 5 pages long and I reviewed it before meeting her. Some was standard, some was bullshit like I've never seen:

Tell him to put his booty down before he eats
If he acts out say " I love you but you can't do that"
When you are out with him and people pay attention to him, thank them for being so nice.

When she interviewed me, her ex-husband was there and we all read the document together. He looked like a man thoroughly embarressed - by his mother. (We've all been there. You know the look).
At one point I asked her what she thought about disciplining by using time out and she said - not yet. I took that in, and she said - What was that? That expression that just went across your face? -

I almost got up and left. I would have had I not needed the job so badly, had the timing not been so perfect.

At any rate, I manage to get the job, and start. The kid is so adorable. The mom - eh.
Long story short, the next morning I was late, which, as was indicated in the document, was not good.Oh no, not at all. I was fifteen minutes behind, and totally apologized. I'm never really sure in these instances, when I find someone irritating and hateful, whether I've been late accidentally, or "accidentally on purpose".

She calls me that evening to ask all sorts of strange questions (Was the baby in the closet? Who did the baby see at the park? Was the baby too much for me to handle?)

Lady, you're whacked. I thought.

Anyhoo. The next day she texts me and asks me - on my day off - What happened to the bear? Why is the bear wet? I just want to know if I can retire it. Thanks!

 I took time getting back to her. I emailed and let her know the bear was fine, etc.

Things continued in this fashion for the next few days - her strange, demanding. Me, trying for polite, professional (outside of the lateness, granted), in a strange situation I wanted to run away from.

Then she called me and told me that while I was nice and she could see I was trying hard it, "wasn't a good fit".

I wound up angry at myself. WHY couldn't I just do whatever it took to make her happy?? I blame myself for other people's bullshit all the time.

Good/Bad

Work is good. I keep waiting for something strange to happen with the mom/kids, but it is pretty straightforward.

I also got a job backstage at BAM, which pays union wages. This is good.

I spoke with a woman briefly - we had been playing phone tag regarding a babysitting job, and we just, finally talked. She said" It is 9-5, 5 days a week. (Good). I know many people want cleaning, and other things, but this is pretty straightforward. (Totally.) And I pay $150 a week."

Perhaps she'd prefer an intern? I didn't tell her off, I was polite, and let her know I was only looking for weekend work. I got off the phone angry, stunned almost. I almost posted it on Facebook, but I am trying for  happy/busy posts, to inspire regret and longing in an ex who is a "friend".

Then I went to Facade, a website that does IChing readings, to see what it had to say about our relationship. Not much to offer. Apparently I am attempting to have relations with "non-people."

I'm writing a post, finally. Perhaps he served his purpose.I miss him.

More

I started a new babysitting job yesterday. Sigh of relief. This is the normal babysitting situation I remember from highschool. Nice kids/mom, nice pay. Done. I am looking forward to it today.

I am not drinking, and it is changing my outlook on things. I am hungry for things, better opportunities, travel.

I told this girl from AA yesterday how I felt about babysitting for someone who is probably about my age, who has a house and 2 kids, a husband and a career. (Not so good) She reminded me that right now, I am just stabalizing things - paying off some debts. This is true.

I went on Facebook after sending a resume and scrolled down past ridiculous over posters to see if there was a new one from my old fling. There was he posted a youtube link and said it was,                 " excellant'. Ha. Another nail in the coffin.

I hate people who misspell. I mean we all do it... but he dropped in my esteem. But there was also a photo from him from his summer trip. I envy people who travel. I am so hungry to do so. I am separating my desire to do so from my desire to be with him. It is something I have to do for myself.

Staying Away from Hell. Mine and Others

The other day I went to the beach, which I love doing.  I find living in the city to be unhealthy for me often. I'm always in my head.

After the day was over, I just felt so happy and connected to my body/spirit. I related to people differently as well. Not constantly weighing out what to say/do, be or feel, I just was. I didn't know what to attribute it to and I think it was this - I just said what I felt, behaved in a way that was natural to me without my head, the middle man.

I am being more creative and I attribute it to this - I have a list of chronic offenders in my life who I'm always fuming (frothing at the mouth) about:   Mother!! Sister - as if they have to behave in a certain manner before I take leave of their bullshit. I think I check in with it all the time because I am avoiding the work I need to do. (What a list.)

I think I have to be strong enough to fight 10 battles, to create - but all I have to do is be strong enough to consistently do what makes me happy.

I'm angry at them because they have hurt my self esteem with their hateful bullshit - but I have to take responsibility for allowing them to - that is who they are. They can deny their behavior, blame me for their behavior, etc. but I know, so what's my problem? I'm avoiding. I can't heal them, and if they don't want to have a truthful conversation, what is the point of talking to them, at any rate?

I have to add a girlfriend to the list as well. I don't feel good about myself after hanging out - but I do love writing her. Since that is the direction the relationship seems to be going ( and following her lead), I think I'm just going to go with it. There are too many other people out there. An old mentor once told me "Only the best and highest will understand you". After being around certain people, I find it hard to believe. So. I have to steer my way past them and make sure my heart/self esteem are protected.

Dropped and Found

Over the weekend another woman got in touch with me regarding babysitting - full time. I stressed about it big time - what was I going to about my present babysitting job??

Then, this morning, I was headed to work and I decided to check my email - The mother let me know via email -- this morning, that she had found her German Au Pair. Good Luck.

I can't believe I stressed about letting her down and I am feeling so lucky that something else showed up.

More of the Same

I'm angry at my mother, again. She always says this thing to me - "You don't have a sense of family!!" Once I start focusing on my life and not her, being an all or nothing person, I am not in touch very much. I feel like I should read the book "Between Me and Life" about an artist's difficult relationship with her mother.

As much as I feel like I'm a cool, good person that, still feeling like I need my mother's permission to live fully (She'll yell!! I think) is just not cool. Tackier and stranger than the most ridiculous fashion I've ever seen, and always judge so harshly.

My parents, however, left their home country to move here in the summer of  1969. They forgot that they were rebellious once and didn't go home for about 10 years. The hypocrisy my siblings and ignore - its unspoken. 

I posted yesterday on Craig's List for a woman. I'm headed over to Gmail. I like the feeling of anticipating all those emails.  In homage to my mother and heritage, maybe I should date an Iranian. Ha. Ha. I think she may know, deep down, that I swing that way. I can't imagine that my parents would understand or be supportive.

All Anger All the Time

I am finding it strange to observe how relentlessly angry at people I am - the same people.

Everytime I move forward in a positive direction, it seems like I first pick up old arguments -- fuck you!! It's like a psychic chew toy.

Which, maybe it makes sense, now that I write it. I'm moving past them.

I am angry at my mom and sister - both of them seem to think that I should accept/tolerate their abuse and apologies and maintain closeness with them. They are always like "I'm SORRY!!" (Now Come Back Here. We're cool right? Apology accepted. Repeat cycle.)

I can't create and have a good life when I give them top priority in my heart and life.

I have to go to work.

New family - Iranian. Popped up out of nowhere. Just started in Park Slope. Which I usually hate. Then when I was there I got it. The beautiful neighborhood, the co-op (that life changing co-op).

The family is typically Iranian - in each others lives and faces all the time to take care of the new baby (twins).

It's nice and very sweet, I guess, if it is healthy and positive without a connection that is as deeply rooted and gnarled like an old tree. A big fat oak.

Breathe

I am poor but not discouraged. I am taking a breather from huge lists - teacher certification, jobs long and short term I should be applying to.

I am going to be on call for babysitting this weekend. My friend's wife is a doula, and needs someone. We have been talking often and I like her alot. My list of girlfriends is growing. It has been ages since this was the case.

Am I the only one who finds this difficult? Just be honest, creative, and supportive - why is this difficult?

I have alot to offer - and I want others who are the same.

I just sent a mass email to some friends because my summer subletter is leaving. I am surprised because this one girl I don't even know that well ( we worked together briefly), put my post on NYU's List Serve and I have already gotten responses.That is the type of person I want in my life.  My sister-in-law also works at NYU and I've emailed her several times when I was looking for a roommate, and she has never done this. (Although she has done other things, I have to admit).

Inspiring Book About Joy and Creativity

I woke up unhappy - strange dreams - I was in middle school, an affair didnt work out.

I am being - or trying to be, nice to myself.  Everytime I wish for something better, I essentially feel like I am taking away from someone else. I play small.

How Much Joy Can You Stand:

http://www.peopleactiv.com/downloads-articles/downloads/HowMuchJoy.pdf

This is a book with a lot to offer. She talks about people who struggle constantly (make noise about being creative, but don't actually accomplish much). I identify with this as well as with a chapter where she talks about personal power, and that her book is about how big you are willing to be.

A Miracle

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I have a job interview today which sounds difficult; It is for a tutoring company. I was told that I would be interviewed by a group of people after completing an essay.

This, I am not looking forward to.

An amazing thing happened, though, which I don't want to lose sight of:  I was behind in my rent by a month. A friend in AA recommended going to a church and asking for a hardship donation. There are so many around Greenpoint, I didn't know which one to go to, so I went to the one close to the meeting. I spoke to 2 people: first a priest, then a pastor, who let me know he would refer me to a 3rd person for an interview. Instead when I called for an appointment, an office manager told me to come in and see her.  I did, and she agreed to pay my back rent. All of it. I thought she was going to give me a metro card and send me on my way.

I left and just sat there, in awe; I cried. Tiny demon thoughts started to creep in and I just brushed them aside.

I've Missed You Terribly

My old roommate, G, the nightmare, has reared her ugly head again.

We had agreed that she could get her last month's rent back in September - she signed an agreement asking for only security back, which she received, but I thought she should get more back. In. September.

So she emails me today and says I want it back on or before August 31st, or I will hear from an attorney. I fucking hate her. And, since I've already spoken to 2 lawyers, I know she has no grounds for even receiving her money - which I want to give back to her (although now that she is pissing me off...)

Whatever. I deleted her email and re-routed any further emails of hers into the trash bin.

Reaching

The ESL teaching job I took was actually bogus, and I'm looking into more legitimate avenues today - like New York State Education website.

I feel positive today and very grateful for small things - a 2 dollar pair of sunglasses, and new tank top. My cat being adorable.  Also, am very glad to be on call for my friend's wife, who is a doula.

I am being productive - and disciplined, as I am looking beyond survival jobs; I want to reach higher.

Trying to Stay Postive

I hate being light on cash. It makes me really nervous and everything focuses around that.

Here are some good things -

My roommate is out of town. She wrote me a note saying that she would be gone for the week. I kept it, so that if I was ever down, I could just look at it.

My computer is working.

I got a job for an ESL company that actually seems legitimate. Maybe. I got the call out of nowhere and when I went in, a shady lady reviewed my resume and said: "Lucky you. You just sent your resume in and they told you to contact me? We have a class that starts on Monday, it's 4 hrs a day."

I'm nervous about them, though, because it is a contract position and I wont get paid for a month. So meanwhile I am thinking about jobs, cash. etc..

I woke up this morning and observed myself: obsessing about some guy who is not in my life. Worrying about my new haircut. I feel afraid - alone - and I know I'm distracting myself and avoiding things.



                                          

Apartment Comedy

Yesterday I went to a comedy show in Williamsburg. Once I got there, I felt I was just part of this new crowd who had decided to go because NY Magazine and L Magazine said it was good. Maybe. It was good, though.

I went because I love comedy - and the woman who was performing seemed pretty hilarious. She made a short film where a camera follows her around as she does every day tasks while voice overs comment on how amazing her every move is.

I'm sorry. Does no one else do that? I have tried to explain this to friends and apparently, no one else does. I have to see it.

I dealt with apartment stuff after a long day. It was at the bottom of my long to do list. My new roommate and I decided that we'd both get things that were needed, but then she comes home with this heinous leopard print bath mat/curtain, which is wildly out of place with the calm, white/blue marble thing happening in my favorite room in the apartment. So I told her I'd get it - I felt like she was passive aggressively letting me know she felt the same.

Art-Job-Rent

I am at the public library.

This is good because getting out of my apartment is good. Bad because my computer died. I think I killed it.

I am still job hunting. I owe my landlord money and though I am on their good side again, I do not feel comfortable with this at all.

I keep thinking - put the stuff you wont really have time for first - I won't have time when I get a new job to write as much, make things (like the voice over demo), research schools for an ESL certificate. It seems backwards, but it needs faith - it intuitively feels like the right thing to do.

Family

 
I am leaving my family emotionally and want to create a new one. I have been emotionally attached to them for too long and it has inhibited me - sexually, emotionally - work-wise. O.K, on all levels.

Here is something about leaving them -

At 23 years old, I was all ready to graduate college, but was more invested in obsessing about a guy, who kept letting me down, and I wouldn't let him go. I failed my final course in logic (no surprise). Around the same time, my acting teacher had cast me in his play. I was doing horribly, and he threatened to kick me out of the production. I summoned my faith, and my belief in myself; I performed beautifully, and felt incredibly happy.  A voice deep within me said " Now I have a surprise for you." I went to the restaurant where I worked to have a celebratory drink, and he was there. He'd come to see me, and it was the cherry on the cake. We talked, and I felt this voice in me again, say " Now go home." But I wouldn't. I kept trying to get him to leave with me, and he finally agreed. Then the voice said, " Now it will take longer." I didn't know what was meant by that, but we got to my apartment, he was afraid, and left.

I was livid. I felt torn between this new heaven in me, and this anger towards someone. I felt like I'd never learn, never fly again, and my faith was punctured. I remember sitting there meditating on this, and at one point, I opened the IChing randomly and saw a line, pertaining to taking the wrong path, which led to dependency on one's parents.

I tried to perform the next evening, but sank. I didn't understand that voice, and I was haunted by this idea that I had failed and would suffer the consequence of waiting for god knows how long untill I would experience that heaven again. I couldn't really live with myself.

At 23 years old, I was all ready to graduate college. I had a lot of things going on at the time that weren't going well - a relationship I couldn't get a way from - an acting class, working 4 days a week, etc. My plan was to save money, graduate and go to Europe.

I failed my logic course, (no surprise) and fell into a deep depression. I felt I had failed everything - creatively, romantically. I worked the summer through this depression so that I could travel anyway -  which was really fucking horrible and painful.

My parents (particularly my mom) did not want me to go. She said she was totally worried and since I was going anyway, set up an 800 number so that I could call her anytime. She said it was a favor to her. I used it. A lot. When I came back after a trip that was shorter than it should have been, she said that I couldn't have travelled without it. (Whatever. I would have traveled faster, longer - better - without it.)

I went to Ireland, England, France and Brussels, the last being my favorite. I met a boy in a youth hostel then. Nothing romantic, just a friend.

After Europe I moved to San Francisco. I moved in with this guy, (maybe in his 40's?), who was pretty strange. What was stranger for me was that after I moved in I saw a picture of the guy I had met in Brussels on his fridge. He had lived there - it felt like a sign.

My roommate, as it turns out, had quite a lot of emotional problems. One day I came home and saw him sitting there with his step dad doing basic math. It turns he had been in therapy for years - and had a lot of issues with his parents, obviously.

It felt that I met him to learn from him; Still tied to parents, stuck. Inert.

Why didn't I leave them before? Maybe I wasn't ready. There were always teaching me that family came first and implying that I would be nothing without them. I feel like I obeyed them;I haven't yet flourished here - and I've starved myself emotionally.

Heal My Inner Mother

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  And I'm overwhelmed by all the different things I have to do: pay bills, get a job, do more research on teacher's certification. Even though I don't feel like it, I'm writing, and this makes tasks feel more doable.

I keep listening to Madonna's song - Celebration. Its reminding me to step into the flow of life that is present in front of me: joy, creativity, sex, dancing. To be present and follow my instincts. Instead of wallowing, grief stricken, in old, old pain. I was taught to be depressed. Sometimes I feel like I'm in therapy to heal my inner mother, because she never did, and although I exited her body, my brain is still tied to her.  I'm much more of a positive, trustful person than she is. I feel like she was always telling me to shut down and reject life until I believed it.

I Would Like to Live Alone

I am up early. I don't feel like writing. I feel like editing old posts.

So, am meeting with my old roommate today, to give her security deposit back. I realized when giving my new roommate the keys, that she hadn't given me all of them - she gave me 2/3. I feel foolish.
I asked her for the keys, then she struggled with getting them off her chain, and I stepped away so she wouldn't feel bad, instead of making sure she gave me all of them.  Maybe she made a mistake? Maybe it can be easily rectified. I'm not sure. I certainly don't want her running around with my keys. I think it might even be the front door one. I hate her right now.

My new roommate is moving in here this evening. I am already not very into her. It has been very nice and peaceful here, me walking around half-dressed, doing whatever I feel like. She asked me if I had a vacuum, I was embarrassed and said no, and she said she'd bring her "dusty busty". I keep thinking of that. She can use anything she wants here - dishes, etc, and I even told her I would loan her a bike. She asked me though, if she could use my computer a few times a week, because her desktop would be at home. I was like: NO.

But then I felt guilty and started to explain. She said - that's O.K, you don't have to make an excuse 

That bugs me. Why am I so neurotic and weird about people? I don't have to feel guilty.

A part of me - (my heart?) is like - oh God - just calm down, set your boundaries, get a job and enjoy your summer. I'm always having to reconcile the differences in myself.

I know in the past, I have gone out of my way to make people feel at home here, and in the neighborhood - (I'm Julie, your Love Boat cruise director). I don't want to anymore. I want to be friendly, trustful within reason and just take care of my end of the deal. I have become friends with previous roommates. Not sure if I want to right now.

Church

I went to the church. I'm kind of surprised I made it there. I was really nervous. I thought: it's not like I'm getting married there.  Also, later I thought: God has always loved me - why am I so afraid.

Church makes me think of - high ceilings, grandeur, good acoustics, congregates filling polished wood benches, fanning themselves. This church was small, with low ceilings and about 20 people in it - amongst them a very fashion forward queen, in heels. They were nice, real, welcoming, not fake - which I've found in churches and is such a turn-off to me.

At the end, someone prayed with me/over me. I stood in a long line to receive grace. I didn't know what that entailed. There was a nice man who took over the sermon and talked about Christ, and receiving his body and blood. Once again, I nudged myself forward - O.K, food, wine - you know you want in.
.
I went up and this woman prayed with me for a job. I really liked being supported in that way --  I'm not taking anything away from you by receiving. And its ok to pray for things to be good for someone else and know that I'm included in this. Its not a competition..It's arrogant to assume that I need to hold myself back for anyone.

I can be helpful and generous, but always forget about taking care of myself first -  I know it, but I need to practice. That is the healthy way to go about things - so that I'm not jealous, hungry etc, and I can share from that place, unselfishly.

Priorities

I just came back from the park. I'm up early. (7)

Yesterday was not such a good day. I looked at my list of things to do and did a lot of slacking off.
Today feels different. I need a job. Now. I'm going to pray and make a list of places to apply to - short term (cash jobs), long term - ESL/Teaching. Its a lot of work and pretty daunting.

It's all dark and stormy out. I'm sick of being in my apartment alone, which is rare for me, because this weather makes me feel creative. New roommate doesn't move in until Tuesday evening, and old roommate stopping back for her security deposit. Whatever.

More importantly. I think I'm going to the Gay and Lesbian church today. I want spiritual support, and I think that may be the right place to find it.

My parents don't know about my interest in women, and don't need to. I think my mother suspects, but there has been enough men in there so that she just focuses on that and sweeps her doubts away.

I want to be with a woman soon-like. Advance the program. I think it's funny that I'm not talking to my parents and that's one of the very first things that I want to do... (they did always teach me that priorities are important).

Catch

"We turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them" them" -- Charles West

Things have been miserable, and as usual I have been trying to get rid of feeling bad by drinking too much.

I was kind of flailing about, not comforted by the wine I was drinking out of a jug. I started to cry, then moved to my bed and stayed there, crunched up in a ball. I was horribly tense, and have been for weeks. It was this worst it's been. It felt like there were there were many different urges in me locked in battle, and that I was being physically torn apart. There were these voices in me  "you will, you will " and this knowing, darker voice that insisted, " No she won't".

I thought about the therapist's encouragement to go to an AA meeting, and went in to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face, stumbling around, and made a decision to go.

I went down the street about a 20 minute walk, felt much longer because I was wasted, and found this church which I've walked by several times. There were all these people outside it; this woman waved me over.

Her name is L.  When I went in to the meeting she sat with me, and during the meeting I burst into tears, and afterwards, all these women came up to me, hugged me, and gave me their numbers.

L lives around the corner from me, so we walked home together with this guy R. I felt like we were 3 ghosts in Greenpoint. We were talking about drinking,  and he kept saying, "it's not a game, it's not a game", and the ground felt like it was moving.

I stopped into a store, and when I came out L said " Will you take this pack of cigarettes and smoke instead of drink this evening? If it gets to hard, you can come over".

So I took them, and then later in the evening, I went over to her apartment.

She is older than me, used to be an actress, and her birthday, like the therapist who sent me to AA,  is on Halloween. She has become my interim sponsor.

Job (Un) Promising

Just went to the lamest ESL job interview. I was kind of psyched for it - definitely prepared. I applied because they said that if you had the proper background in teaching ( I do), they would help you get certification. Seemed like bullshit... it was. The interviewer was nice - she handed me a sheet of paper after reviewing my resume and said - here is a list of things you need to do to be considered for teaching certification.

That was the help they were offering. I feel totally fresh off the boat. And sarcastic (as usual). I should have just called her on it - I kind of did, but didn't want to burn a bridge.They wasted my time. How irritating. This is how I get bent out of shape. I don't just express myself and get over it.

I went to the Jack's 99 Cents store afterwords.

I got an email to do a Skype Interview for an ESL position which seems more promising. I'm cautiously optimistic.

New roommate comes today. So many expectations to manage. There are also many interesting, free things to do this weekend. I want to balance being responsible with allowing myself to enjoy this free time on my hands -  If not, when I'm busy with work again, I will regret it.

Busy Busy

I'm up early - went to sleep early last night. I drank 4 beers - only, had cigarettes I didn't count. I read the Laurence Olivier book - he's hysterical. I felt nourished by that instead of thinking about/romanticizing an old relationship.

My new roommate shows up today. This is also the day that my landlord turns up so he can get cash (my landlady - his mom, gets the checks). I sent her back rent certified, and July, I have a grace period. So he and I are done for the moment. (According to me).

I researched the ESL company I am going on an interview for - sounded kind of like bullshit when I set up the interview, looked it up online and it seems like it is. However - at the Science/Business library I found a list of about 10 more ESL companies that specialize in corporate training. Now I have to (yawn) follow through. Aren't their jobs out there for ideas people? Yes There Are. I loved working for an arts magazine. I think trend spotting (following your intuition, traveling, capturing images of fashion) - is ideal. I would love to do this. I feel superficial admitting it. Its just like everything else in my heart I judge to be inferior.

I am listening to Everything But the Girl - The Heart Remains a Child

Job

Slept O.K.  - Felt kind of lost this morning. Went to park and there was an old woman on a bench. I wanted to ask if she'd adopt me. I definitely want people in my life who are older than me, right now. 

I'm waiting to hear back about the babysitting job I went to yesterday - she said she'd call, and hasn't which means... I didn't get it. Pretty sure. She said she'd refer me to friends nearby who needed babysitters.

Rather boring stuff except I completely want this to be in place before new roommate appears on doorstep tomorrow (sigh). Being alone here has been delicious. The whole thing started to go awry with GW (old roommate.) because I wasn't being completely honest- I'm trying to figure it out, but I think it might be part of it.Yes, I'm working ( truly I was - but only part time.) There's more. For instance,  I said I liked wine ( I do - in manner of someone who should live in a vineyard). Just something I'm considering. I'm big on honesty - if things started going south I'm pretty sure that's where it started.

Waiting/Learning - New Therapist

Waiting to hear about a babysitting interview.

I went to see a new therapist today. R specializes in addiction. He is in AA and he wants me to go to a meeting, which I am not interested in doing. I fell in love with him a little, regardless. Former boxer, construction worker. Smart. Born on Halloween.  (Fanning myself a little, thinking about him).

I'm reading a book called  The Soloist. Its amazing - (About an artist, as usual).I was freaked out about a part in it where the main character describes his theory that a person's many selves get together to create catastrophic events to effect change. I lost my book (by accident)?

I told him, " I don't want to be in any way shape or form self-destructive. This includes losing things, making mistakes, etc.., and he said "Alcoholics have big egos -  you are human   - you can't be perfect."

 I was sobbing, "Well maybe not everyone - But --  I can." We laughed.

Goals

This morning my mood sucks. Eh. My hair mocks me - it is full of life, wild and pretty. Sometimes such things matter.

I have a lot to do and I'm tired of letting things/people get in the way of that. I'm responsible for letting these distractions in and indulging them. (Landlord I'm talking to you. Depression, I'm talking to you.)

So I want to make a list regarding certification possibilities in education.

I have a babysitting interview. I'm a little sick of parents right now - sorry. Its maybe just NYC parents.

I need more positive music: maybe more Ani, although I am really liking Empire State of Mind (still) and Moment 4 Life.

Spiritual Meeting -

I have a longtime friend who is a born again Christian. He introduced me to his church friends and now I meet with them occasionally. It's always been a little awkward for me - I do not believe in the one true Christ. If you don't curse, I think, well, I think you are a little too delicate for my taste.

I believe in a Goddess.  I believe that there are many paths to your higher power, and that it doesn't matter who/what you pray to. I like the expression Godd - both man and woman. T. Thorn Coyle uses it in her book - Kissing the Limitless, about witchcraft and spirituality. Everytime I read that book it becomes deeper and more relevant to me.

 Today I brought it up my spiritual beliefs, and let them know that I felt like an outsider, that this is where I stood: There was a moment, where I was not Miss Congeniality - but it passed. Its not like they ever demanded that I was a card-carrying Christian.

Why did it take me so long to know this - and pursue it -  people have recognized it in me before. I'm Bi and a feminist. I want to find my own church. ( I think I know where it is... ) I know its not with them. They may not have minded my belief in a Goddess but I don't think my interest in women would sit well with them.

Thanks. How did you come into my life?

I am reading over some of my old posts - I don't think its a good idea. So, here I am writing a new one.

My landlord is around. I owe him about $250. You would think its much, much more. He acts like I am: a party promoter, a prostitute, or someone who lives with a family of 5 in a one bedroom. I hate that he goes to Florida every few weeks. I hate that he's here, with his brother and that they yell in the hall, like the whole building is their house.

My next door neighbor K is leaving this morning with her 2 kids to move to North Carolina. She's divorcing her husband. We actually connected, I think, because one day I was bitching about babysitting jobs to my old roommate M, and 5 minutes later K calls and asks if I want to babysit for her. Thank God for thin walls. After that the "doors" between us opened a little at a time: Did I know she and her husband argued? Could I hear them? (No. O.K once, but she was just telling him he/men are selfish and I just rolled my eyes and thought "Tell me about it". )

 She has been similarly harassed by my landlord, and has seen me through this whole roommate thing. She has been warm and giving and totally supportive in a time when I'm for real, ignoring my mom and being very clear about her bullshit and how it - how I have let it - reign my life. I have a hard time accepting that this nice person - who today is giving me groceries and a reference and more, well how do I thank her? Actually sometimes I think I'm the type of person who's like: oh no I couldn't possibly have a slice of cake. Oh no, really, really, you sure? Oh OK. I'll take 8. Got anything else? I'm shy at first, but give me a minute).

She says she is totally appreciative because I took great care of her kids. I did - they are the only kids make me second guess having children.

(Still not going to do it).

I think I'm waiting till my landlord leaves, see if she needs any help with anything. Honestly its not that hard, I don't know why I make it so - I'm going to express my gratitude, or let her know that words can't express it, etc. I am sure that she has more on her plate than whether I get do this perfectly.

Self-Esteem

 New job, etc.. dealing with new roommate. My low feelings about myself are getting in the way.
It's ironic, but the more I put myself out there, writing honestly, makes me feel better about myself. I'm listening to 32 Flavors.

I was fine with sharing myself, insisting on my talent, when I was growing up and acting in plays and singing.

I'm reminded of the Simpson's episode where this kid doesn't get a part in the school play and starts yelling:  "I'm the best actor in this school! This is a conspiracy!" (It actually was).

That was me as a kid (right down to accusing people of conspiracy theories I was right about). I doubted myself but not enough to hold myself back I always understood my talent/worth, and was always blaring it out. Like the people who I know now, who are creative -  Like everyone I know here in NY, with their constant self-promotion.

I need to make some goals. I don't want to be hazy about things - I don't want to make that mistake.
.

Normal - Finally

Here's the good stuff I did today, among other things: Got a new roommate. She was the first one I saw and it fit, fine. It is a practical decision. I'm still looking a bit - reasonably - her check might not clear. Sewed clothes that have been sitting in a pile for months on end. Got rid of stuff, (Roommate food, ) cleaned stuff.

Got in touch with Dr. Dot, a writer I followed for years in the New York Press,  to ask about linking to her work. She let me know it was O.K and sent me her info. I mentioned I'd get in touch with them because I like her and she's not published there anymore. Those guys feel like they are going down the drain, every issue is slimmer, it comes out late. Tred of it.

Got in touch with this guy I just met, to make voice over tape - I have to follow through on that. Not perfectly. Just follow through.

I'm going to get in touch with other writers I admire (mostly women come to mind) to ask about connecting with them. Pretty sure you don't even have to ask. I am new at this, everyone does it, but its hard for me.

New York Apartment/Roommates

Living situations have plagued me since I've moved to New York.  

Briefly:

Staten Island:  What was I thinking? I'd always oversleep, and run to that ferry thinking: "This is sad, this is sad." When I was on the ferry, I'd ruminate, depressed: "My God, what have I become?I'm a ferry woman, I'm a ferry woman." However, my roommate was good, and the apt, cheap ($500). I was in theater school. It happens. My instincts had said Greenpoint. I ignored them.

That was about 12 years ago.

Washington Heights: German boy, who resembled the Muppets character, Beaker. Pretty crazy. Rent was $500. Apartment had a lot of cockroaches I sometimes kicked down the hall, but it was pre-war, beautiful, and large. He starting having personal problems, and slept in the living room, often. I asked him not to. He walked around in his underwear. I asked him to stop. I usually encountered him first thing in the morning, as we walked towards the kitchen from opposite ends of the apartment. I contemplated getting a water gun so that I could shoot him in the balls when he'd saunter towards me, snickering and half-naked.

Avenue Q - Older lady. She slept in the living room, with many books, shawls, dusty things, and memories. Usually opened the door for me when I came home late in the evening. In general pounced on my ear and spoke of many things from literature and men, to the downfall of Winona Ryder (of whom she spoke of pityingly: She had no sex appeal, she couldn't grow up.)

Montrose Ave - I lived with 2 women, in the Mckibben Lofts, one of whom wouldn't clean, aside from mopping  her path through the apartment. The building became known as "the ATM" due to constant muggings, and I started running home from the subway. Expensive rent, no window in my room. Didn't last very long. Even the mover thought the room sucked.

Astoria - Cheap rent. Nice apartment. The mover thought so, too. My Italian-American landlord was something of a racist. I think he expected me to wear a scarf, have a camel, or be something of the walking, talking stereotype that he was. I got along perfectly with my roommate for months (because she was never home), and when she started to be around we drove each other perfectly mad.
 
Greenpoint 1 - A railroad apartment. Roommate had her own entrance, but constantly chose to walk through my room. Eventually I was given the boot so her girlfriend could move in.

LIC - Crazy/Cheap theme continued.

Greenpoint 2 - I lived in the converted living room. Also cheap. One of my roommates liked to spank his girlfriends during sex with the door open (for his cat).

Greenpoint 3 -  The best hook up for me at the time. My roommate was a painter, and never home. She'd interviewed me in her kitchen, we got along and I moved in. It slowly dawned on me that all of her paintings were of bugs, which I hate. She literally studied them (sometimes live), before painting them. I was more creative/productive than I had been in quite awhile, but I also habitually chugged jugs of wine alone, watched Gossip Girl, and fantasized about my mean boss.

Greenpoint 4 - Here, where I've been for 2 years. My first time as the lease holder. Mostly good things - some sad, and some strange:  I can look out my window see into the backyard, where my landlord's father started a giant magical castle before he died. Now a single gnome stands before what looks like a large,half-melted, cement igloo.

Demons

When I was growing up I loved people to excess. My sister used to say - I love you. But stop hugging and kissing me so much!

I leaned, I was reliant on other peoples opinion of me. I imitated everyone. I didn't love myself or trust my own point of view. My feelings were lost.

I feel like artists are people who need especially, to learn to love themselves first. Express their own point of view and not get submerged in others. Maybe they need to heal their dependency, in all its forms.

My acting teacher was a sex addict. He slept with 2 people in our class and gave one of them Herpes (she hated him, but even then, raved about him as a lover).  He wanted to... love/connect with everyone? I hope I am not being overly simplistic. What's up with the demons?

Whatever. I am listening to Michael Jackson.

When I was a kid, I took in other people's poison and demons. GIMME! I didn't know or accept my boundaries. Life is an allegory. I don't love myself - I'm an adult, and I drink poison/alcohol.

The devil likes to stop by, he knows I leave the door open.

Just Do it Again

Yesterday, after my roommate left, I had a big beer in my tub with a cigarette. AHHHH. I'm counting beers and cigarettes right now. It should be 4. That's rational. Irrational is the 6 or 8 its been climbing to.

I went to the city and sat in on an AA meeting. The reason being that the 2 older artist friends in my life all have said - I nipped this in the bud and got productive. Drugs are an avoidance. This is something  I understand.

 The meeting wasn't bad. Basically when I got there they were discussing treasury issues: " Hi, I'm Joanne, I'm an alcoholic, I think the same person who gets the cookies should get the coffee". I was like, uh. I don't know about this.  I don't think I could get up there and say, " I'm an alcoholic without adding (but not as bad as you people).

I went out to see a friend. He works at a bar. It wasn't good.  He was busy. I kept wanting to talk and he was like" I'M WORKING".  I drank wine for free (more than 4), didn't keep track, ate his pizza and left. He's having a really hard time. He's trying to decide between working on his art, making a living and which one he should be doing. He's a friend. I shouldn't take it personally, I was being an asshole - but I did. I tried to talk about doing creative things  and He was like - WHERE IS THIS BLOG, no really. WHERE.
I felt terrible, what's your point really? That I'm not doing something unless I'm Googleable? I didn't show him and left.

So I am pissed off - I sometimes think I set things up so that I am - anger pushes me.- and going to work on sharing it today and get back on the Voice Over thing.

ROOMMATE GONE. ESL JOB CALLS

Finally.

Apartment/Roommate

This morning I am going to see another person about the apt. This makes about 5 total. God help me I think it might be more. There have been emails from prospective roommates that went unanwered as well.

I am a bit disappointed in myself for not: having an open house, grabbing the first job I could. Being more reasonable.

Yesterday, I dealt with my roommate. It had some ugly moments when I found out that her mom would be staying here to help her move out, which I wasn't aware of. I let her know that this was awkward  - understatement - (she has a loft bed her mom would sleep in with her) for both of us.

She and I had decided on a smooth transition and this - is not it.

WTF - Work

I just got an email from this woman I babysit for. I've totally been in this position, with this type of parent before. Its fucked up. From what I uderstand/know, parents of children with disabilities are sometimes even more difficult than their children.

I don't know if I can do this - honestly.

She lets me know that I should read to him and interact with him - which I do. I'm careful and kind.

Then she gets in touch today to let me know that her house is messy. I'm not the maid. Jesus. I got back to her in a timely manner. Communication is important - I don't do it as much as I should out of fear. My therapist says I mumble alot. I was thinking about mumblecore (sp), films made about people my age who don't communicate well.

 I feel like I should be constantly, steadily, communicating all of it. Another aspect of business I should be applying to my life. Blog.

I spent time reading, and just hopped from bed to pick up the voice over script the guy sent over to me. Exciting. I'm talented. It was pretty easy, and I practiced a bit. Next step, DO IT. What if something happens, what if nothing happens after I send this over to him?

Finished alot of job stuff yesterday, not all. So I applied to like 5 jobs, no more, counting the babysitting/tutoring positions I applied to. Did not do ESL stuff - as in look into getting certified, etc. Dealing with this mom has really made me want to get back on that right away.

The mom next door to me is really cool. I babysit for her and we've been helping each other through landlord bullshit, etc. She's writing me a reference and I'm getting one (hopefully) from the dad I used to babysit for.
She also clued me into further ESL possibilities.

Just throw it out there?

I am waiting for a friend to get back to me about my blog. Meantime I decided to do some more about sharing it. I joined a tribe network, Gemini Rising. I think I will link to it.

Maybe make a FB page under a pseudonym?Already started that and it seemed pretty lame.

Thinking... being AS hard on myself AS usual.

Was thinking of sharing on Burning Man List,  but I don't know that its for me - I already had a run in with someone named Lucifer the Light Bearer (probably an electrician by day,) after accidentely overposting (3x) my apartment there a year ago. Which felt lame, and I don't want to post it there right now.

I am such a cautious person - a control freak. Why can't I just link to 10 people and see what happens?

Honesty Continued

In the spirit of honest open communication , and business, a numbers game, I decided to just - put it out there. When my roommate came home, I asked when her mother would be here. Right away. Not the right time, just checking in. And moved forward based on that information.

I went to the Manhattan Inn to sing - Before I did, I made a pledge to myself. I took my favorite ring, the only one I wear, and put it on my left hand. I only want to put it back on my right when I do this - get in touch with apt people, and apply to 10 jobs. (3 jobs down, 7 to go, beer in hand,) I am thinking about my love of symbolism - meaning, art and now being all mind/business, practical =  move faster - I have to put it out there as much as possible, and let it decide itself. I did my part. The ring makes me think of Bjork -  Isobel. Married to myself.

I did a Smith's cover and am listening to them now.

Business -

I am trying for open, steady, honest communication. Consistently. Without an agenda. In a business-like fashion. I have been at the business library in the city recently. It feels good.

I went to the library in Greenpoint today. Weird. I found this book - perfect for right now. A woman artist, with a good voice, an actor. All kinds of things addressed. I'm a bit freaked. And another beautiful art book.

I feel bad when I go in there, generally. I've told off a few people (all justified,) Whatever. I'm liking that I'm part of a community. That I can say, yes, I know, here is where I was, I'm growing.

I went in and didn't feel too bad. I had dropped off a book to support the library and keep finding good books on their free shelves, and they are always worthwhile.

A librarian came up to me - I really like her. One day I came in and I owed some library fines - and, she said: give it to me, and checked it out for me.

Today she came up and I've been thinking about referring her to different papers, etc, for her to promote her events, and the library, which, ridiculously is being cut back. Whatever. I was there, doing MY own thing, (correctly) and she came up and asked why I didn't attend her event - there is a level of respect there, so when I referred her to an organization to promote her events, I hope it helped/mattered.

This reminds me of S, the bodega man, who I kept butting heads with, next door. I was all - hey - do you do credit. And he was like, no. One day he said - I give credit to friends before 5. After 10 only friends/ customers.

This is lame, but I'll explain later. Feels like, where I am right now: You have to have your own bases covered before you help someone else. I always forget this, but this is business. Not only will it help them, but they will respect that - you will be the worthwhile person who helped them.

Happy?

I am strangely happy this morning after strange dream:

I was working at a restaurant and this guy comes in - its G. He acts like he doesn't know me. I run to the bookstore and look up his rising sign, Gemini Rising. He's a jerk, it says. I bump into my old - hot - asshole boss who is freaking out about some gay dumb bullshit. Also a Gemini Rising.

Funnily enough, so am I.

I don't what to make of that. HOWEVER. When I wake up, I have a different perspective on G. I just feel warm, not angry. Its not my mother's version - a disaster. I just think to myself "Oh, OH. That was good. How sweet. I'd like another affair." This voice inside me said," Now that's the spirit" (That must be my hearts boxing coach).

Long Day

I just came back from work. It was exhausting. It's the boy with a hearing disorder. He's fine. The mother is exhausting.

I did not like my day at all. I thought about this guy throughout - I thought about my viciousness towards myself and others.

I have thought about acting and this. How good actors are penetrable and influenced by something, changed, informed and... reflect? What gets in the way is ego. I hope I am not being too vague.

I'm at my best when I recognize the good other people brought into my life, let it inform me and let them go.

My former roommate - when I write, I am thinking of her - she brings out my best voice.

This guy I met - we were involved  - helped me. When I now turn to my creativity, in that sense, I am informed by him. He's not in my life now.  Here my ego gets stuck. I would rather focus on the pain and drama, than recognize the gift, be inspired and move forward.

I know I think of myself as someone who "gives credit where it's due", but I'm not sure that I am.
Ha. What is my problem? It's ego, resentments. I'm somehow caught up in the idea that someone will take credit for the direction my life takes. Just like in acting, I get stuck in my ego, and refused to be transformed.

Oklahoma

I just got back from "brunch" (a Bloody Mary) with my friend A. She is from Oklahoma, as was my roommate M, and the guy I was involved with G. 

I am Iranian - so when I become friends with not one, but three people from OKLAHOMA, its like I'm being told to sit up and take notice.  Pay attention. They are all putting themselves out there. They are sharing, creatively, more or less successfully.

Meeting with A hurts. There is common ground: Love of books, fashion - issues we are going through with men seem similar. Also interested in women. We met through Craig's List. I find strength in our friendship, but also feel lost, hurt, and awkward in manner of adolescent. Today I have a pimple. It fits.

Roommate M. I met her after a horrendous summer battling bed bugs. I liked her, and she became my roommate. We write, but don't see one another at the moment.

(A and M do not get along, they met at A's party and were repelled by one another. M stole A's pot.)

Sorry A.

Tick Tock

Waiting on prospective roommate. He is late...

 Back now.

 Potential roommate was lame. Going out to meet A.

Dealing?

In the midst of dealing I thought it was a good idea to call my sister. She had a baby a year ago - who I've seen twice. His birthday is tomorrow and I'm not going. I feel selfish and horrible. She feels the same about me.

That was not good timing.

This person I was involved with is going out of the country for a few months. I'm jealous. Looking at my summer and thinking is this it? Struggling - Dodging a landlord. I think I'm going to spend about 3 hours on this roommate thing tomorrow. There is always going to be shit. I can't let it be my life.

Potential New Roommate?

Dealing with my fuck-ups

Seeing new roommates, just saw a nice one. He was very green. Been there before - not eager to go back.

Others - Only July. Only August and I want someone long-term

G, my present roommate is not here. What a debacle. What was I thinking.

 I have a list of people to go through, and I'm going to eat pasta and deal.

No More Blow Jobs For You

I'm at the library doing a bunch of stuff I really don't want to do, so I've been avoiding tasks, as usual, by thinking about a guy.

This is ridiculous since most women turn me on more than men... just a few men stand out. I think I may be a lesbian who likes men.

Also, I was talking to my friend the other day and we discussed blow job techniques - I have read about them practiced, and excelled at times, but I'm over it. Especially since most guys turn pretty selfish - as I grow more into them. 

 I am not going to hang out with guys anymore, who don't bother to ask me how it was for me. (However, I also don't know why I didn't tell them). I've been around too many of them who after sex, grade the experience for them: (Example, Irish: "Not bad. Jaysus").

When I let go during sex, there's a rhythm that takes over, it moves me; it's invisible, but always there.

I want it all to be exquisite, I just don't want to go there unless you can engage my heart, my mind and my body. Talk dirty to me - I want you to use your mouth (properly).

Facebook

I am trying to upload photos from my cell phone to Facebook. I have grown weary of this task. Facebook is like - going out into the world in the right outfit. I'm constantly changing it and re-creating my image in my eyes and in others.

Books I am reading: Feel it Real. A book about energy, emotions and how we make things happen. I believe we are energy. That we are all starting to focus on energy in the world, managing it, and that there is a reason all of this "New Age" stuff is focused on it as well. When my energy is up, I connect with different types of people. When it is down, even on the subway, and I am angry (often) other people respond to me differently. I can think of many other examples.

Re-reading. Diary of a Call Girl. I am kind of obsessed with this book. Her wit sizzles. It is hot, fun and smart. (And also the reason I was inspired to use people's initials. I am a credit, where credit is due type of girl).

Job/Apartment - An Old Fling on Facebook

Here's what I did today:

I woke up super early, like 6:30, and I was like "No - too early for me". Not even 8 hours of sleep, up before my roommate, like my Dad/Benjamin Franklin/a farmer, I don't think so.

I have my period, slept fine, but still stressed about apartment/job stuff. I saw a potential roommate today. He was O.K.. Nice, liked the place. He was like: "I will let you know" I hate that.

Dodged my landlady's call, (I wrote her, told her I was having a brief problem after about 2 years of paying on time, in cash, and she doesn't read her email or is being egged on by her son. I don't know.) I did an I Ching reading - 6/Conflict - bottom line: There is good fortune if she gathers information and does not speak - so I'm sticking with that

I went to the library  - I love to read, write, I can't live without it. It was cool because I gave them a book recently and when I went in there was a pile of free books, one of which I have actually looked for at bookstores and didn't find- (Oh Radiant Heart), and another spiritual book which I think would be helpful right now.

I also checked in on Facebook, which I know is a waste of my time. Over posters - etc. Also, briefly (very briefly!) checked in on this guy I was involved with.

He looked hot - but I accurately remember the sex and think - it could be better. We were not perfect for each other, but maybe were helpful to each other. He was helpful to me.

I get him - I think: Same type of guy I'm always into, but he's also spiritual -- a new age player.

I don't want to be judgemental - there's a reason I'm attracted to these people; they are similar to me. I just am starting to want more. I kind of don't want to play games anymore.

We talked recently and I was drunk, happy and excited --but I listened carefully to my inner voice, and the mother of my heart said: I don't think so.

Money, Art, Self-Loathing

I do not feel like writing. My nephew's birthday is coming up and I don't have alot of money at the moment, and don't want to see ANYONE, but my nephew. So I may go with my sister in law, who wasn't invited. She's crashing the party

Today I have to meet with a potential roommate. OH, I don't want to. I want to make alot of money and live here on my own. I feel lame and horrible about my interaction with my landlord, who really shouldn't be in my apartment, who already said that I was selfish and a bullshit artist. However, I don't really care for him either. Well . I somehow care about him even though his behaviour makes me sick. I accept a lot of bullshit and abuse because it feels comfortable and familiar and I always find something in the person that I like so that I can cope with them. Connecting with someone - finding the good/not judging them- can be helpful in acting, but not acceptable in dealing with consistent bullshit from a sister, mother, boyfriend, best friend etc etc.

My idea is to live more openly and share my gifts, which I'm not sure anyone will care about. I always thought that was a little lame - but maybe not - when people go on about sharing their art. That speaks volumes about how I feel(?): that its selfish and wrong to have money when people are starving, to get paid money for art (???) Or is that my parents perspective. Because certainly I have been poor and not cared so that I could be creative. So that I could have time. Not money.

Roommate

Just had conversation with roommate about returning her security deposit.

It may not happen. 

Feel like Greenpoint scoundrel.

Happy Sunday

I feel really stupid. I sent my landlady money yesterday - her son D turns up at my door anyway. He's all buzzed (as was I) and said:  Sweetheart.. where's the money -  I told him I sent her some and tried to talk to him about my roommate. I even invited him into my home and tried to be all nice - which in my buzzed state included inviting him to sit on  my bed, covered in a blue blanket 'cause I was doing the wash,and inviting him to share my Bud light. Jesus. As I write this though, I realize that I didn't completely fuck things. I didn't for instance, tell him I would give him a blow job.

Anyways, I hatched my little plan which was to be brief and to the point, and told him that it was not O.K for him to turn up at my door and ask for money, because he freaks my roommate out, and I don't want/can't afford for her to leave. He got this fearful look in his eyes, got up and said: She's not scared of me, she's scared of you. You took 3 months of her money. Your a bullshit artist - And he left.

Ok, So - ouch. I feel such self-loathing right now. Like - you fuck up everything. No one likes you. etc. etc.

I know I shouldn't have tried to talk to him - let alone the rest of the deal - he's toxic and dreadful and the last time he called me a selfish bitch, and I was reeling from that for weeks.

Also, no more talking to G, my roommate. I went over to my neighbors house (K) after babysitting for her kids.. I told her the basic story. She invited me back over to dinner. She told me she had bed bugs again (we had them last summer), And I'm like FUCK. FUUUUCCCKK.

Anyways, I got home and realized G was home, probably hearing every word. I was like - Hello...? She said hi back but she sounded treacherous. OK, this is maybe me reading into things.

I am going to therapy. And posting my apartment. And getting a job - any job. I am not talking to my landlord, or my roommate. He can talk to his therapist. She can talk to my attorney.

More later.

Plunging Ahead

Today - Weird. Particularly weird. I woke up to babysit and went over to my neighbor's house. Her kids are adorable. A lot to say but don't feel like writing. It went well. I just had moments where I felt joy (connecting with them) and then disconnecting and feeling - whoa - what am I doing + where is this going. FUCK. This is fucked.

I felt different and better when I got out of there.

Whatever. Its' Friday.

Yesterday went well - I am surprised but not. The kid is like nice and plays fair, similiarly, his mom.

I found myself in a playroom with all moms and nannies. You could tell who was who. I was with the ones who needed facials.

I dont really want to write about this right now. I want to get rid of my roommate and do the right thing - however I loathe her, and her headband, and her elephant print dress - and I want to get a new one.

I went to see my friend J yesterday. We went to college together in Philadelphia. He's been here for years and buys me drinks all the time at his bartending gig in the city. He's also kind of a big brother. I played it pretty cool about the whole thing.. I usually bitch like practically walking in the door (isnt that what you do with a bartender, Jesus.) But lately he's been like - OK, what's the matter this time, or who is the guy this time -  and I'm like oh... don't want to be that girl.

We talked about the Weiner thing - July 4th will make headlines worse, and what the fuck is wrong with everyone for caring about this - etc. My suggestion is that every public official who supports weiner should send in a photo of their dick to their twitter account, etc..

J was like "oh. HA HA HA. Ok what's the problem this time. (He already knows there is a problem - he referred me to his friend the attourney). I told him -  and he's like FUCK HER. and I'm like but the the truth! the justice! the and he keeps interjecting FUCK HER. FUCK HER, like a mantra. I think he actually said at one point. I want you to say it to yourself like a mantra - FUCK HER, GET HER OUT, or something.

I love J. He puts me back in touch with my anger and clarity - while I get nervous and poetic.

Good/Bad Today

Bullshit I've encountered along the way/day -

I dont want to write about it but I will - I went to work today - Yay me. I've been buffered by big deal therapy session yesterday.

So I wake up and encounter bullshit resistance - or not? I'm tired, I've made it through and now I'm thinking I've got a super huge list of tasks to do. A beer... maybe? So I gave in. Accomplished some stuff, fell into other stupid familar stuff along the way. (Maybe that guy wasn't so bad? Let me take my mind off this.. ) And so on.

So I did get stuff done. Even got back to the Dad (B) who could provide babysitting/special ed reference - Stopped into a reading after work - that was good/not. Later will explain.

Whatever. So I'm worried about some things with the mom I babysit for (especially after the last mom wife of above- what a nightmare she was, the shit I put up with.  Everyday - the communication book, the homework, the dishes, the shoes out in the hallway, but don't turn the light on, ... blah blah blah. I tried, I tried, I tried).

So when this new woman (D) gets in touch and says - there's ink on my floor! What happened??? I'm thinking: Oh, shit, here we go again.

It all worries me - I'm an anxious pleaser/perfectionist - I don't draw the line.. or something.

I feel stupid. She asked me to do what I'm best at: read, interact with her son and I was like YES!

She says: GREAT. put his hearing device on IN THE BATHROOM and then let him out. I tried, he splashes water everywhere, I don't want to man handle him, so I move him, trying to cooperate with him to get my way... out he goes and blah.

Anyway, she comes home and there's a piece of his hearing device missing - small - could've come off anywhere and she's like "WHERE?WHERE? And I'm like - he was throwing water at me - I looked around and - found it.

I want to treat myself fairly first ( a bit new - I know where it lives, but I don't live there).

I get your mistrust - but.. I'm worried. How much can I trust you -- I didn't even know about the ridiculousness of this hundred thousand dollar thing. For REAL??

I"m making too much of this -- more later

Work/Drama

I wake up and I tell you, I feel self destructive.

Not wildly, just my usual tendencies. I want to revisit past affairs and avoid moving forward. I want to drink a beer. I was tempted. Had one. Finally, I did my morning pages and started rumniating on how/what I was going to say to the booking  manager who I have to cancel on, so that I can work all day elsewhere on Thursday. I think I've already gotten on his nerves and stood out as like this ... dunno. I'm not star material in the catering world

New York City in the Summer

Everyone hot, tired, and wishing they were dressed better.

They Should Serve Alcohol in This Place

Not sure where I left off - but today is all about: getting a new roommate, going into the city to get a "one shot deal" to have my electric bill paid - if I can - and then going to have a double therapy session.

It is kind of painful to walk by this real estate office that claims that Greenpoint is "awash in 7 billion dollars." REALLY?

God how embarrassing. I mean I know here, I walk down the street, hanging my head in shame if I owe someone a quarter or what have you, and meanwhile everyone is pretty much in debt on a larger scale.

My phone is fucked up. All I can think about is how quality lasts and this phone is not it. Everything feels so dramatic and meaningful; I've needed my phone because of my money and work situation being all fucked up, and what if I needed it to get a job that would save me, and the people at Metro PCS didn't care, and that would cost me, because I was poor, and it should have been quality, I should have been quality, and instead I'm not, and am just awash in shoddy shit.

And then I get down to the government agency for my electric bill, and I was sad, because I love 14th street, and now I felt like I would never be able to look at it the same way again, having done the walk of shame on it. The building and people were dreadful - abrasive, loud, fluorescent lights, people and children yelling, 4 flights up to this room where I took a number (300), to have someone determine your fate.

I filled out a long application, and every once in awhile, looked over at this woman who was casually reading a paper, looking mildly interested in everything around her. This was not my situation. I called the electric company who had said that they would stop by between 12 and 3 to turn off my electricity, and I asked them again to wait, and started sobbing. I tried to but into line by saying that I was number 200, and had lost my ticket, but was shooed away, so I waited some more.

Eventually, I met with someone who listened to my story and she really seemed to have her own problems. I imagined her thinking , "Lord, what did I do to deserve this job?" and again thought about how important we all are, and how we have to be quality for each other, and you never know who you are helping, and this means being happy and grateful in mundane moments at your bullshit job - that you really have to trust - you are fulfilling your purpose even here, now.

I got to meet with another counselor, who told me that I would get assistance, and promised me that my electricity would not get shut off, and it did not.

I went home and drank, and thought about how even my relationship with my roommate was strained, to put it lightly, it was nothing close to what it would have been if I had had to explain that we had no electricity in the apartment.

I Miss Him

I had a hard day  - I worked, catering; it happens to be a good company, all kinds of good people.

Throughout this past month - I have been so twisted up in this pain. My roommate, my landlord, dodging them because I haven't found consistent work.

 Its hard and hurtful that I experience this pain. It happens often but I feel I am breaking through.

More on that later though. Having been trying to distract myself with pleasant thoughts. Whatever, hard to admit, but I discovered awhile  back that I am able to have an orgasm (mild/good) by thinking about sex. I'm still weirded out by this, but out of all the crazy-ass quirks I have, this one I am pleased about.

I discovered this by working with N, my boss. Ohhh. The pleasure the intensity alone, of the fantasy. Never felt anything like it. Before I knew it, I was all sucked up into it. The whole day was all: DELICIOUS flirtation; the office was this tennis court, where we would lob innuendos back and forth.  He could also be such an asshole. (Honey, get away from him -  that's your mother, said my therapist). I asked her: Is my mother - passionate, French, ideal physically, intelligent, sexy, creative? However - I do have dependency issues -  on my mother - her money - now alcohol - and I could see how this would fit in. Intoxication? Deal. I'm was totally interested. My job was boring - more on that another time.

At any rate - we never had sex, or even kissed. It ended in a horrible argument, and here I am in default mode when I'm like - life is too painful, I need to escape by thinking about something  "positive", delicious.  I've had uglier obsessions before. A prying back of my heart and soul. Another layer.

I wonder about him and my other  "true loves?" Do I miss him or my obsession - the distraction - the vanity?

I don't want to let go of the image of myself I created through you. I am 37. My first love I didn't know what the fuck hit me. Just keep doing it, I thought. I can't let this go. Don't go away. I need you.

Stretch - Losing or extending my truth center -

I am - here. Mentioned to my therapist that I could feel things - know what was true/what feels true. She seemed intimidated, daunted(?) Didnt check. Maybe its like this quote - that I love: those who know do not say, those who say do not know.." Because I don't want to talk about it with her right now. I'm shielding myself, afraid to grow, growing, waiting for the right light. A ground hog.

I remember dealing with this artist - working/ a painter - I explained how I related to designing jewelry ( I just move it around till it feels right). He said, Yes. That's right.

Hard to write about - I am in the present moment - tired, stressed, transforming my relationship to writing, work, etc. I see a long, tired, drawn out future, but I'm dramatic.

I have this fear - Voices of Christmas future, a line from a movie where the guy says.-- : "I could'a been somebody, been somebody".

There is also this voice that says: I guess I will die with my secret. It is a voice that gets pleasure from my demise. Demon. Works in acting.  Devours my pain. Makes it art.. A voice in the background that says - Always been here - the pain, my pleasure. Something like that.

I know that's weird, but I feel its pretty true. I wonder how this relates to my sexuality - (submissive feels hot). The dominant - likewise. Having an equal that is pretty hard. I don't know if the relationship will work out, and I wish I did. I get highly anxious - I try to hold steady in the center and its hard to wait -- What if it doesnt happen?? At least with guys I don't respect, I know they are not right, the be all end all.

The Latest Bullshit/Reminiscing

The latest bullshit is this - how to start?

Brief is good. I am so angry at everyone and trying to focus on what is right which means getting my money right - what a trial. I cannot do it with these people on/around me.

Its not just my roommate. I have a landlord - D - who I got in touch with - through my roommate, who saved me just in time. her name was S

I let her know, before meeting with her landlord that I didn't have money ( I don't now) but that I could honestly pay her rent that she asked. We went to meet with him and he was like - no, no. I don't know. I looked up and asked godd, please if this is right for me, let it happen. And what happened is this:

She said - D- I have 600 dollars for you - will that do it? And he said O.K. - we got a lease -
Later I asked her - what happened? and she said - I don't know, I looked up at the sky - and the sun came out.

So we moved in together. Didn't really get along - it was O.K.  but.. just. I was running around doing my job, she was living in the living room/bedroom - and I walked through everytime to the kitchen - Frequently.

It was weird - we got along - I don't know what her deal was, but in the evening I drank - she said she didn't drink or smoke, but I dont know. what I do know is this:

One day - soon after I moved in - she went to a shitty job and never came back -

I was glad she was out -

And later - I stepped out and saw an accident - all these people - and asked, didn't find out, and came back to the apartment to drink. Later, I found out through her friends, that she had ridden her bike - in the rain - in the street - to go to hand out flyers -  She had gotten hit by a truck - and a spectacle surrounded her - a woman saying - cover her underpants! A friend saying - you stupid bitch, that doesn't matter. She wasn't really conscious, she was blinking - she was hit in her gut- and was taken to the emergency room -

I found this out later - through my upstairs neighbor. (W) I knocked on his door - and called him -
He and his partner showed up at my door - I said she died - W said - I thought so, we didn't know what to do, they said she would be OK, we went out to brunch. His partner - sobbed - horribly.

My landlord came by and said - is this true? is this true? and cried. We all did.

Going to Work - Alone.

I talked to G the other day, the person I may direct to email, because he didn't call me back. This is the second time he's done that - He'll say - I'd love to talk this evening, I'll give you a call when I'm in! -- And then sometimes there's like an emoticon or something, which is just not acceptable.

Anyway, I feel bad - sort of - his inconsistencies aren't my fault, but I feel like I can't accept him and keep giving so much to him.

It was good to talk - it was a month since we spoke. He said - you have such a beautiful voice have you ever thought of voice overs? And I just signed up with an agency that does business ESL, and they have a media department which does. So, I'm going to do it.

Typically, now I want to write about him and how awesome he is, when deep, deep down, I know he's not for me. When I asked the I Ching about him I got 2 Hexagrams - 51 and 50. Sex and creativity.

When he and I first got together I dreamt: I am a lesbian, I go up these stairs to meet people, these famous designers. They say " We have been waiting for you". I thought about it:  I woked up thinking, I'm taking this relationship the wrong way. He is going to help put me in my creative drivers seat.

 Here is a little peep though. I don't know if I will wind up with a woman or man, but if it was a man, it should be someone like him.

Be truthful - and Patient

I am writing instead of watching a Julia Roberts movie, this is good. I don't hate all of her stuff, but this is the low, hateful, "Something to talk about".  Must love Dogs, on previously, was much, much better. I'm serious.

Good truthful actors in an agreeable movie, that I did not expect to catch late night. T.V gold.The John Cusack character was this deep, truthseeking philosophical artist who brooded over his lost love, who fell for a ridiculous, cheesy asshole. She gets back together with him after telling the truth. He waited, it came just in time. It's a movie, I know.

I am still thinking alot about the most previous guy I was involved with. So much good there! I wonder if he still thinks about me... probably not. I think I should probably cast him in my mind as the dickhead character and move forward. I think I will go chuck his number right now... hmm. Is he horribly ridiculous, pretty inconsistent, as am I?  I don't want to be a hypocrite. I think I will gently direct him to email.

Also, I like women as well. Something I should be more honest about. Whatever with my hang ups; I am LUCKY. I am an NYC bisexual - my dating pool is VAST.

I'm a Woman's Man, No Time to Talk

I almost bumped into an old lover last Saturday. He was headed down the street, a determined look on his face, he is still completely sexy.

When I met him, I thought: who gets to date this guy? C is elegant, and witty, handsome and smart. It meant something to me that he thought I was beautiful. I got to know him, he told me he was wounded from exes. We dated, flirted. There was a lot of smoke but no fire when we got down to it. He is, I hope still, in AA. I may be there. If I saw things through my mother's eyes, I would say : he wound up in AA. I don't see things her way, really.

I am trying NOT TO. I judge myself through her eyes.I'm not in AA, but if I was to be, I'm almost afraid I'd be done for - not, as I'm seeing myself (maybe too much?) as a work in progress, but like it is all here's where you are, here's what you are, you are totally damned: You are a cater waiter, you are 37, (no, almost 38).

I am in trouble, but I need to believe in myself - I let that go a long time ago, in terms of putting myself out there. Consistently. Openly.

Acting - Heart - Comes and Goes

I'm thinking about what art form is good for me. Even though I have acted on and off as a kid, it has often been difficult for me as an adult. It hasn't been about the work itself - it's been a competition between myself and other actors (often to see who sucks and can be blamed for the failure of the scene/play. Not uncommon, but not healthy either, and hardly in service of the play).

Also, with acting, I've had this thing for some time - If I perform, I am submitting to this energy/adrenaline, and I get very fearful: what is this churning up inside of me, and where will it take me???Then, when I perform, suddenly what I had unconsciously recognized about the scene and character gets expressed; like I am turned inside out.

When I was younger I called it was scary, but I trusted it -  I was more excited. Overall I tend to come and go from acting as my heart opens and closes. I remember being in high school, my sister had left home and moved in with her friend's family. My parents were heartbroken, and my mother in particular, was vicious to me. I became heartbroken that she kept her pulling me in and then pushing me away. She had done it too many times and one day I remember going to my room, and whispering over and over again : "I want to make a pact with the devil - I never, ever want to feel again."

The next time I auditioned for a play, I read for a part, and it fell flat. My friend said he had thought I was kidding, and I didn't understand why, but I hadn't been; I just felt removed. I didn't make the connection (I didn't really believe that the devil had taken me up on my pact offer), but years later I saw that I had buried my feelings.

It's hard to act when you are numb, whether from alcohol, or from shutting your heart.

Perfectly Good Heart

I meant to connect with my friend A this evening - I couldn't, we couldn't. All I can say about how we connect is" perfect, perfect perfect - I want to be perfect". (We both like Black Swan).
 I feel, "I know, I know, I know - I want perfect expression of that".

Probably better that we didn't hang out; Here's what I did instead:

I went to work at D's. Out of the 3 babysitting jobs, she remains - I really connect with them. But it was hard today. Just, she is the woman who works for Martha Stewart. I'm impressed, but not. She comes home tired, talks about how Martha likes her writing, "this time" (she looked down when she said it), I meant to connect - you know? It got lost - I would love to ask her - how did you get your job? Can you refer me? But, how do you do that? Still getting to know her and not sure if it's "appropriate". Maybe I could just be straightforward/business-like?

I was so exhausted, (like my acting teacher had said he was at 37)  - I didn't go home though. I thought of A how much she works, struggles and hustles. I bought myself a cup of coffee , which was believe it or not a budget stretch, and forced myself to go out.

I went to an event at SC that was so cool. There were about 8 people there and it was a superhero event to help homeless people. We made care packages for the homeless (toothpaste, soap, razors), that the men in costume would then bring to them. One of the guys said " Yeah a lot of these homeless people are schizophrenic, and you have to be careful not to scare them when you approach them. (Probably easier if you are not wearing a cape).

However. The point is that our task as participants was to make a costume that represents your best gift, your "super power" and make sure it is the one that serves the community and then take the package and give it to a homeless person.

I thought about mine - I think - I am good at making images with words, but was fuzzy about it. Everyone had a great time, but I couldn't really think of a costume to represent this. Is it a mirror? Wasn't sure.

I bumped into B on the bus ride home. I used to work for him - he has an autistic son, and I slaved away at that job for months and didn't get a reference finally because I got into an argument with his wife over my "habitual messiness" and other bullshit, and she refused to sign it on my last day. Months of anger blew out of me like a giant gust of wind --  I let her know that I wasn't her maid or personal assistant, and I left without it.

He happens to be an artist and he gave me his business card - I think he'll give me the reference, ha ha. I didn't know that he makes documentaries on artists. Interesting that we wouldn't have met today had I not been inspired by A and pushed myself to go out.

I gave my package to a homeless person yesterday and it felt so good. We understood each other - He said thank you, and we connected, perfectly.

I'm Not Perfect Yet - Tomorrow, I think

 I always think to myself: Am I really beautiful inside and out yet?



I want it to be perfect, me to be perfect - every expression to be perfect.

Every time I act - on a stage, in life -  I hear this voice in my head that goes: are you KIDDING ME? I'm really hard on myself. Everything I do, say, think, goes through a strict bullshit detector. It's like my friend from acting school said: "You think to yourself: Is this really the truth - no really, really, really, the truth?" Ironically, actors are such good liars, devoted to the truth. Maybe this is because if you know the truth, you know how to hide it?

I'm listening to Madonna. I'm a fan, but I come and go - I pretty much like her music, but on a different front, hate her acting. One of the reasons I give it up to her is this: Cher. She was interviewed, and uncomfortably - checked her ego for a moment and truthfully admitted : she's the best at what we do.

I love Cher for her honesty - she's a good actor, she had a human response that revealed her weakness and insecurity, but told the truth. Madonna is never really real. Madonna is all mask, every moment is STRIKE A POSE (or, this is painful, am I projecting?)

I always think about acting school. I let it all hang out - a lot of weirdness and self-sabotage.It took me years to get over it. I made a fool of myself constantly, and not just in the service of art. I prayed and I got through, and at the end of the year, a particularly mean girl admitted she'd been harsh, and that she's appreciated my work.

Still. This one girl stands out - my harshest critic (next to me). We'd tried to connect after having both had a bad day in class, in the beginning of the year. I was embarrassed; so was she, but she covered it perfectly. I (horribly), did no such thing. We tried to connect. I thought she was boring, but was too devastated by just how much I'd sucked to share, and she thought I was weird. And told me so, though adding: I SUPPOSE THAT IS WHY YOU CAN ACT WELL.

(That was thoughtful.)

We both sang well. She occasionally acted well. But really. It went on hatefully between us. One time I was in a group with after class and I said something that offended her, and she said she felt sorry for me.

I held back - then. Later in a scene study I  kicked her ass. I got through to her. Everyone was like - HOORAY. But I always fucking think about her comment to me and the one I bit back: Bitch I've seen Madonna act better.